The Big 3-0

Ugghh. I don't know why I am hating that number so much. And I can't believe in less than a month, I will be 30. *shiver

I will say what I do hate is when people make stupid comments about 30. Like when Dean and I were out to eat the other night and he starts to say something when talking about my birthday and then says "Oh never mind." And I said "What?? Just tell me." Because honestly, who isn't more curious when someone says that??? So he tells me how his girlfriend had said to him "OMG, if I am not married before I'm 30, just shoot me!!"

Reasons why this statement bothers me:
1) She told her boyfriend and guy she's only known for 4 months this.
and
2) She's almost 27.

So what I wanted to say to him was this "Ummm. . . you do realize then by her calculations either you will be her fiance or husband in the next 2 years or she's going to be shooting herself." But what I did say was this "I used to think I was going to be married by the time I was 30 and maybe even have a kid, but God has a different plan for me. Hopefully I haven't met my future husband though and really jacked things up already."

I remember thinking back about what my life was going to be like at 30. I was going to be a sports medicine doctor, more than likely living on Michigan Avenue, married, and possibly even have a kid.

I look back on those things and think that I made some pretty good decisions even though I am no where where I thought I was going to be. I chose to not go to Osteopathic School, but I got to spend time with my family and my Grandpas. I didn't settle for some guy. I'm saving money living in Iowa?!? :)

I will say that I am thankful for many things as I get closer to 30:

• I am thankful that I have a wonderful family-both immediate and extended that I am close to. I know some of my cousins who I am close with don't realize the awesome cousins they are missing out on.
• I am thankful that no one in my immediate family has passed away. I can't imagine not being able to call my sister or my Mom and Dad at any given moment. My friend Katie lost her Mom when she was 25, my friend Jennie lost her Dad last year when she was 30, and Jessica can never call Josie again just to chat. So while they sometimes annoy me, I'd rather have the annoyance than no annoyance at all.
• I am thankful that I have wonderful friends who I know would be there for me if I ever needed them. And I can't imagine that had I never moved here the awesome people I never would have known. (But again, I guess I never would have known what I was missing out on!)
• I am thankful that I am single, single and not single because I was divorced or widowed by the time I was 30. I couldn't live with that heartache of ever wondering if I'd get married again. Or thinking that I'd met my soul mate and then he died and I'd always wonder if I'd find true love again. That seems too heart wrenching.
• I am happy that I have a job.
• I am thankful for my health.
• I am thankful for life. My life.

I would of course be more thankful had say a cure for cancer existed because then I wouldn't be as sad sometimes. And maybe a cure for ALS, Alzheimer's, and Parkinson's while they are at it!

"Life is not measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the moments that take your breath away." --Author unknown

Happy Holidays!!!

I'm sorry all! You would have thought that since I was home on vacation all last week that I would have been able to log on and say "Merry Christmas!!!" to everyone, but alas, as I mentioned to my entire family, I never get to actually relax when I was home on vacation. I am always helping my parents do things around the house, dishes, and no time whatsoever to relax.

Every time I was up doing the dishes my Dad so nicely said "Hey guys, A is on vacation, she shouldn't be doing work." And you know what?? I'm going to remember this when he comes to my house in a few weeks. NO waiting on him. :)

I was happy to be home and spend time with my family though because I know too many people this year that got stuck at their homes and couldn't go home to their families. Stupid winter weather!!! And my nephew keeps getting more and more adorable. . .I'm not sure how he does it, but he does!

Happy Holidays everyone!!!!

Does anyone hate compliments??

I mean sure I hate backhanded compliments. . . but I mean, genuinely I love receiving compliments from people. . . but then this happened yesterday from a gal that works in my building:

"A-you are looking great! How much weight have you lost??"

My response "Thanks! It sure doesn't feel like it!!" You see. . . I haven't lost any weight. In fact, I think I've gained weight. So much for my "30 before 30!" But I digress. . .

When someone gives me a compliment like that, I feel inclined to give them a compliment back because in all honesty, it's not a true compliment. And maybe I haven't really lost weight but have just switched up my exercise routine so much that I'm reshaping my body?? I don't know.

Maybe I do in fact look like I lost weight but haven't. I mean, my clothes don't fit tighter, so that's good, but they sure aren't really fitting much looser. And I was wearing my pants that are really loose. Maybe that's the trick. Buy clothes that are too big for you in hopes that people will say you lost weight! :)

And on a completely unrelated side note: I was talking to one of my friends that I talk to rather randomly but always try to see when I'm back over the holidays or in Chicago. Ryan and I have been good friends since the summer of my Freshmen year and worked together for 3 years. And the last few years, we haven't talked like we used to since he started studying for his CPA and all. . . well we're talking about getting together when I'm home and he says "Well if we don't see each other this weekend, when will you be coming to visit Josie??" I had forgotten to tell him about Josie. He was soo sad when I got off the phone. How did I forget to tell him?? I don't know. I know my mind was crazy and all but still. I had forgotten to tell him. I felt horrible and he felt horrible because she passed away and he couldn't be there for me. He's not on Facebook either, so he didn't even know if people had written me something. Now I keep wondering who of my good college friends that used to hang out with her often also don't know??

Sometimes miracles do happen. . .

I would like to thank my bestest cousin (and good friend) H for being awesome. Words cannot describe her awesomeness.

I'm sure most people have had this happen to them. And I guess by people I mean women. This rarely happens to guys.

You know how you as ladies we find something that we love and then all of a sudden they no longer make it. Like lipstick? Or nail polish? This happened to me and Secret #55 at Victoria Secret. Which is a perfume and not a bra. I wear a few perfumes on a regular basis: Heavenly by Victoria Secret and Burberry Brit, and last year (or 2 years ago) discovered and fell in love with Covet by Sarah Jessica Parker. Well I'm that person, that once I discovered Gordman's realized that I could buy my perfume at discounted prices and it's the same thing as the department store. And I only buy the department store perfume if I am getting a free gift with it, so it's more worth the price.

Anyway, I went to Gordman's because I am almost out of Covet, and they didn't have it. So I checked back about every week for a month, and nothing. So then I went to Younkers and Dillards, and they don't carry it either anymore. I talked to the rep and was told they don't make it anymore. WHAT?!?

So about a month later as I use my Covet now only for nights out, I get the idea to check Ebay. And low and behold, it's on there!! YEAH!!!!! Well I don't Ebay, so I ask H if she can help me. And since I really didn't want to create an account and then create a paypal account, she got it for me. I love her. It's a 7.6 oz bottle. I'm hoping that will last me a long time! I'm wondering if I should just keep buying stuff on Ebay of it. I'm contemplating. . . but who knows. . . by then I could have moved on to some other fragrance. . . :)

Open Letter to Jason Segel

Dear Jason,

May I call you Jason?? Or Mr. Segel? Or just Jason Segel. Or former lover. Whatever.

First off, I would like to say that I love you. Or at least I love your character Marshall on HIMYM. I mean, I think I used to love you. I, at one time, especially (or not especially because it makes me sound like a perv) after watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall, thought, that maybe we could be together. Maybe, just maybe, I would have an intimate relationship with you.

But then. But THEN. I read this. Again. This is the 2nd time I've read this. TWICE. TWO. Numero Dos. I am appalled. I am shocked. I would like to say I am at a loss of words, but that has never been a problem for me.

Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay "I'm a mess" Lohan?? Really??? If you're that desperate, I will fly out to you. I will take a train. I will drive. Anything to keep you from her. Anything. I'm afraid you probably have a few diseases. And her parents sound and act nuts. You don't want that. Usually crazy is hereditary. Well at least your chances increase if both parents are crazy.
There is a chance that she is completely normal and just acts that way in front of the paparazzi. And that she didn't go off the deep end and is still headed there. But Seriously. I mean seriously.

Why oh why oh why???

I think that is all I have.

Sincerely,

Your maybe future girlfriend depending on your actions with Lindsay Lohan.

Want to win a new laptop???

I obviously am not an awesome blogger, but luckily one of the people's blogs I read is!!

Check at Alexa's Blog from the 18th-25th of November and comment, and you could win a laptop that she's able to give away!!

Sorry I'm not near as awesome as she is. . . but still. . . :)

Oh and if you win, maybe the nice thing to do would be to give it to me. . . just saying. . . ;)

In between posts. . .and life. . .

I just realized that I keep getting mad at other bloggers for not posting anything new and am like "Seriously people, I'm trying to avoid doing work and you can't effing post??" Then I saw that I hadn't posted in near a month. . . Touche! (I don't know how to accent the 'e' so. . .)

I do have some freaking hilarious stories to share. . . and cute stories. . .and life stories. . . and I'll get to them. . . maybe this weekend. Or tomorrow. I don't have to work. Thank you Veterans!!

But I did want to share some really depressing news. . .

The love of my life is now engaged. And I found out via text from H. . . who found out on Perez Hilton. I'm really sad that Jensen Ackles is now engaged. I'll give you all a minute. . . I know. . . but we'll get through this. We will. It will be tough for awhile. But hey, maybe there are other guys out there, right?? I mean, it's okay that he didn't call to tell me, even though he visited my dream like a week ago. I'm fine. Really. I just need a minute . . . :)

I have some issues. . .

So I was going through my Posts and realized I have started and not completed about 10 of them. 10 you say?? Yes. 10. Wait maybe 7. . . there's more than just 5 anyway! Who does that?!?

And now, being months and months later, it seems kind of foolish to finish them you know?? Like I tell you that I'm writing something and then I don't post it or finish the last sentence for some reason. . . and it's not like my readers are mad that I haven't finished them. Unless you are. . . then comment, and I'll finish all my posts that I never actually posted and still show as Drafts.

One was from my friend Kaci's wedding. . . one from May when my friend Meghan visited. . . I mean seriously. Maybe I just don't like finishing things anymore. Or maybe I am trying too hard to be witty?? I don't now. . . in life, witty comes to me. . . in writing. . . I struggle a little.

Anyway, my IL friends come to visit on FRIDAY!! Can you tell I'm excited!?!? I can't wait. It sucks Sarah can't come. . . mainly because she's set to give birth any day now. She jokingly said that maybe she could have the baby like on Wednesday and then be all set to come on Friday! haha!! Oooh if only it worked like that!!

Phrases I wish my Father would not say to me . . .

I love my Dad. I do. I get him. He's funny. He's moody. He's extremely generous. He can be a pain in everyone's a$$ sometimes. . . you know. . . typical male. :) Oh and did I mention he says extremely inappropriate things to his daughter(s)??? Or will send me dirty jokes??

I think I have mentioned that I have a pretty close knit family. Extended and Immediate.

So my Dad called to see how my 2nd date went with the one guy. I tell him and he says "Well yeah, I mean, it's the 2nd date, he should be trying to get into your pants by now."

I say "DAD!!!"

And then he laughs hysterically and says "What?!? It's the 2nd date. By the 1st date, I'd be already trying to figure out ways to get into your pants!"

"DAD!! Seriously! I'm your daughter!!! Your baby girl!!! Really??? That's what you say to me??"

Laughing. "You're cute. I'm just saying. He should be trying to get into your pants and you into his. I mean if he's not trying, he might just not like women."

"DAD! This conversation is wrong on soo many levels. First of all, I don't consider myself a slut, so I wouldn't be trying to sleep with him on the 2nd date. And I do appreciate the fact when guys don't try to do that to me."

"Are you telling me you like women?" Laughs.

"No. I'm just saying, I'm apparently not as easy as you think I am!!"

"Just checking. You're not getting any younger. And you do have a lot of guy friends. Maybe you're just sleeping with them!!"

"Dad, we are done talking about my sex life."

"What sex life?? The guy didn't even try to get into your pants on the 2nd date!!" Laughing hysterically again.

"Dad, I'm done talking. How are you feeling???"

I mean seriously. He's my Dad. Do I have a sign on me that says "Please Dad and Gramps, say inappropriate things to me."

What to do. . . What to do. . .

My dear friend asked me today what I was wanting to do for my birthday. . . the dreaded 30th Birthday. And the truth is. . . I don't know.

What I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

She said that she needs to know so we can start planning something. She doesn't want my birthday to come and go and me wish that I had a party and be disappointed that I didn't.

I can't even figure out what to be for Halloween, let alone figure out what I want to do for my birthday. I don't even know what to do with my life!

I feel bad that in recent months I've been a Debbie Downer on this blog. I can't help it. But as I grow closer to my 30th bday, I realize more and more that my life is no where, where I thought it would be. I am doing nothing that I thought at the age of 21 that I would be doing when I reached 30.

What I thought I would be doing:

• I would be a Dr in Sports Medicine.
• I would be happily married to my prince charming.
• I may or may not have a kid or 2.
• I would be happy in life.
• I would be happy in my career.
• I would be settled.

In case you were keeping track. . . my life isn't anywhere near that. I think the important thing is that on the first one, I realized that I am pretty sure that's not where I want to be. The other 5, I'm pretty sure that's what I want. Maybe not now even. And I know when I was 25, and I saw my former prince charming getting married. . . I realized that's not what I wanted at the time, so maybe that's good. I would just take being happy and settled. But. . . I'm not even feeling that lately.

I do know H said that she feels I am doing surprisingly well for my recent circumstances. And I say thank you. I'm glad to know that it's perfectly normal to cry almost every night albeit a lot more recently.

And as much as I complain about my life I am so thankful for those people that are in my life. I'm thankful for my wonderful family, my wonderful friends (well some of them are more wonderful than others lately *cough, cough), and that I am in good health (knock on wood). I am thankful for the people that I had the chance to know that are no longer with me, and I think that because of them I am a better person.

And maybe it's hard because Josie won't be here to celebrate my birthday like she had for so many years. I don't know. And maybe it's hard for me because I'm not that person that thinks about myself. I think it's sort of a fault of mine. I'm so used to thinking of other people and used to doing things for other people rather than myself, that it's hard for me to think of things for myself.

Would just telling her to surprise me be appropriate???

Eh?!?

So. . . I'm going on a 3rd date. . .after the not so promising 2nd date. . . maybe 3rd time's a charm??? Or am I just that desperate to find love?? It could be a combo of both. But I also think it's because everyone keeps saying maybe one more time. . . . My friend also said "Well hey, Free Meal, right??" To which I replied. . . "He didn't even buy me frickin ice cream after I made him dinner. . . so not really sure that whole "Free Meal" thing would exist!!"

But back to more important things. . . like this. . .

In case you're lazy and don't want to click on the button. . . here is the Cliff's Note version:

This kid started stealing around age 12/13 and now is 18 years-old. In 2007, he was sentenced to a juvenile facility and was doing well so they released him to a half-way house where he escaped. And now, for the last 18 months he's been stealing money, etc and now has started to steal airplanes and take them for joy rides. The cops have been unable to catch him.

But just in case you were wondering. . .here is what his Mom had to say about her child's behaviors:

His mother said she doesn't see anything wrong with what he's suspected of doing. "I hope to hell he stole those airplanes — I would be so proud," Pam Kohler told a reporter, noting her son's lack of training. "But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time."

And then this gem:
Kohler hopes her son makes his way to a country that won't extradite him. She said she sometimes talks to him on the phone, but she won't let on if she knows where he is.
"I figure I'll spend my time with him in a positive way," she said, "because who knows if he'll be shot tomorrow?"

Well, maybe it's just me. . . but while it sounds fun what he is doing much like the movie, shouldn't your parental instincts tell you, "Hey, I want to spend my time with him in a positive way and not be shot, so maybe I should just have him turn himself in so it doesn't come to that." Or say so he doesn't DIE in a plane crash?? I do understand jail isn't what you would call "positive" but still. . . I bet his Mom is getting some of this money he's stealing . . .

The 411 on my date. . .

I feel bad that D$ and I have been playing phone tag and that she said "Well you haven't even updated your blog either and I'm dying to know!!" So. . . here it is. . . (Hopefully you'll read this after work tonight. . .)

To say I was disappointed in my date would be an understatement. And maybe I'm too picky and expect too much for the 2nd date. . . but also, isn't the 2nd date where you're trying to win me over??

Here's what we did:
He was already at my place when I got home from work. I made the cheese bread/tomato thing that I had talked about on Date #1 that he wanted to try. We ate it. We talked. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said "I don't care." And since I didn't want to just sit around my house on the 2nd date, I suggested going to the bar and playing pool, darts, or SilverStrike. So we went to one of my favorite dive bars and played 6 games of darts in which I beat him in every game. :) I'm really not the type to let people beat me. . . unless it's children. I'll usually lose to children. We went and got ice cream then came home and he left around 9ish because he had to be at work at like 7am the next day. So. . .

Here's why I'm not sure there will be a 3rd date:

• He said he wasn't hungry for dinner after we had the appetizer which was fine, but I might have still been hungry. (Am I wrong??)
• I gave him a Laffy Taffy. . . and he didn't read me the joke. I had eaten mine after he ate his and read him my jokes yet he didn't even make mention that he didn't read me his. They are Laffy Taffy's. . . they have frickin jokes! (Not necessarily a deal breaker though.)
• While he did buy the pitcher and 3 out of the 6 games of darts, he did not buy my ice cream when we went to get ice cream. Even though I made him dinner AND gave him the leftovers to take home. He did not spend the $2.94 for my ice cream. I thought this was weird. We were on a date. My guy friends buy me pitchers.
• He didn't even try and dress up for the 2nd date. He wore a hooded sweatshirt. Which really isn't a big deal to me what you wear and say if I knew you already and it wasn't our 2nd meeting. I mean TRY a little for the 2nd date. I should have just put on a sweatshirt too!
• He didn't hug me goodbye and I had at least been consciously trying to flirt all night!!
• I'm still not feeling the physical attraction to him.

Of course, these might seem pretty petty in not really liking someone. But I'm thinking that if I was physically attracted to him that maybe it wouldn't matter. But even my friend Jeremy said that he should have bought the ice cream. I think that's the one that gets me the most. And Jeremy is the one that asked what he wore on the date. Haha! I think he was just seeing if the guy was trying everywhere else. Jeremy also didn't get the not reading of the Laffy Taffy. As did the complete random stranger in the bathroom at the bar on Friday night after Jamie followed me into the bathroom basically yelling at me. But that's for later. . .

What also gets me is how some of my friends feel it's okay that guys don't try on dates. If you're trying on the date, shouldn't the guy try?? I mean, if I was dating someone where I knew he was tight on money, would I expect him to buy the ice cream? No. But he's got a lot of money. He's a pharmacist. And he's been living with his parents the last 3 years saving up to build a house. So yes, he's got money. And I'm the one that made the dinner. He brought the tomato from his Dad's garden and a loaf of french bread. I supplied the cheese, miracle whip, and seasoning as well as made and cooked the meal. So I basically contributed the most to the original "meal." Am I wrong?? Do I not deserve some wining and dining?

Now for my Friday night. . . I was out for Jamie's birthday and while pretty much everyone told me that I should wait and see if he calls me (which by the way he did. . . on Friday night. . . a day later) Jamie basically got mad at me for not even really wanting to try a 3rd date. Her husband agreed with me, especially because I wasn't feeling it. But Jamie felt (very firmly) that I needed to have a 3rd date because she doesn't want me to be alone anymore and wants me to get married and have babies. Then she followed me into the bathroom and brings up Dean. As in Dean is the reason that I'm not attracted to this guy. Which probably didn't help that Dean brought the new girl he's seeing out. And I said "Well I can name on both hands, guys that I am attracted to that I have met in the last 4 months, and I'm not attracted to this guy at the moment." And she said "Whatever" and walked out of the bathroom. So that's when I apologized to the person in the other stall and told her what was up. And she agreed with me. Her actual deal breaker was the Laffy Taffy! hahaha!!!!

So that's it. That's all I have. Any advice?? I'm going to call him back and try a 3rd date. But if I'm still not feeling it, I don't think that I can go out with again. And maybe it's because I'm not in the same frame of mind I was 2 months ago. But I would think that I would still feel love if it was around me you know?? Plus I keep going back to Wine Rep and although he was a full blown douche bag, he really did wine and dine me. Literally. I would get meals, drinks, and cases of wine. Sometimes, I would just get wine. Whenever. By the case. . . so. . . perhaps I'm just wanted to be treated like a princess for awhile. Is that wrong??

Date #2

Tonight is Date #2!! Or did you not get that from the title??

Well I'm hoping it goes well. . . I also love the things my friends' have given me for advice.

My neighbor and friend Mike just emailed me with this "Hope you have fun tonight, our game got canceled so I'll be sitting on my deck having a PBR and holding my softball bat in my lap when he comes to get you..." That's sooo sweet!

There are a few things that exist though with this guy.

One is that I'm not 100% sure I'm physically attracted to him. But am assured that this might not happen right off the bat. I hope so. The girls told me to wait until after the 3rd date to see. My guy friends said the 5th. Do you notice something different???

Two is that I suggested cooking but really wasn't wanting to cook. He is bringing me tomatoes so I can make the tomato thing I was telling him about. I was told that I should make that as an appetizer and then make him take me out to dinner. I tend to agree. Do I really want to sit around my place all night on the 2nd date??? No.

Third is that I have no idea what to do. It's raining outside and cold. I guess no walks outside tonight. Perhaps we can go to Karaoke somewhere.

Fourth is that Mac brought up that I should not mention Dean whatsoever. I did already pre-mention that I have a lot of guy friends as I have noticed that this can be a problem with some guys. I did not mention Dean. I guess Dean and I have some sort of weird friendship that other guys might find threatening. Whatever.

Fifth is that my friend told me today that I haven't been myself. I'm not my happy, chipper self which she knows why and says that I'm allowed to be that way. Which I know I'll grow out of and H said that she's sure my bubbly self will pull through when I'm on my date. I hope so. I hate to think he's meeting the downer me. Or the fake happy me. Which I know I am not myself right now, but do you really tell the guy on the 2nd date "Oh hey, by the way, my close friend died about 5 weeks ago. I'm not really myself right now. Hope you can deal with it!!" Yeah. . . probably not.

I don't have a sixth. Let's hoping it goes well!!!

My Thoughts Exactly. . .

So I'm sort of stealing the title from Chelsea Lately. . . but. . .

I read this and I thought. . . wait one second. . . wait. . .

We all know how I slightly despise The Hills. And how I just don't understand how people on this show become famous. But after reading this I almost fainted and vowed right then and there that I will quit reading Gossip columns and whatnot. I know. I know.

You see, Lauren Conrad "wrote" a book. And I was reading somewhere that it's exactly like her show The Hills.

Here is a review of the book L.A. Candy:

Now, though, what Conrad really wants to do is write: L.A. Candy, her first novel, is also the first fruit of a three-book deal. In it, 19-year-old California girl ''Jane Roberts'' becomes famous for living her life on a reality TV show called...L.A. Candy. She works as an intern in L.A. She has boy troubles, a falling-out with a girlfriend, and a sweet, stunned affect. So far, ''Jane'' hasn't gotten a three-book deal. But then, there are still two books to go.

And another from Amazon:

Obvious excerpts of her life and deliciously entertaining. I read through this book within 24 hrs, true Hills fans will adore it. The ending...leaves possibilities for a continuance just like the shows. LC great job for your first book, i loved it and hope to read more of such lives of your characters. Great and entertaining book.

As for whether the book is based on Lauren’s own life, well, a peek at the copyright page reveals it is filed under ’self-perception: fiction’. So basically if I'm reading everything correctly, it's basically a book about her life which was basically played out on The Hills.

So what I am understanding is that they are making a movie based about this book which is based about The Hills. Why are movie people putting money into this?? Don't they know that most TV shows don't do well on the Big Screen?? Guess which movie I won't be going to see??

Also, I am slightly shameful as in that I watched 5 minutes of The Hills last night just to see. I used to watch it every now and then when they had those marathons on the weekend. And well. . . I never can get those 5 minutes back.

I need your help. . .

Okay. . . so some strange things are a happening with me lately.

And I don't know how to explain them.

I think I've talked about my sixth sense before on this blog. . . and I hate it.

Lately, especially lately, I can't sleep. I miss Josie soo much. I hate that I have a date and I can't call/text/email her. I hate that something will happen and it reminds me of her and I can't call her. I hate that she was supposed to come and visit me in September, and she couldn't anymore. I hate that. So last weekend, luckily I had plans to go home for my friend/old roommate Sarah's shower and spend time with my family. I needed that time. I was slowly sinking.

My sister was busy working on her Master's homework, so I went and hung out with her for a couple of hours and we started talking. And I told her how I had these goosebumps all the time lately. And I couldn't explain it. At Stacey's wedding, goosebumps when we were dancing. The wedding Josie was supposed to be at. Goosebumps randomly sitting watching TV. Goosebumps at work. Goosebumps driving. Goosebumps the day she died. MAJOR Goosebumps. And then my sister tells me how 3 days before Josie died she had a dream that we were all out to eat and while Josie was there, we were all talking about her like she had died. She was a ghost in her dream. She never told me because she didn't want to be right.

Flashback 9 years. When our close family friend Matt died, the 2 mornings I was home from college after it, the door bell rang and the fax machine went off at the same time at around 7am each morning. It was 2 days later we discovered that the fax machine wasn't plugged in. Only the phone jack was plugged in. The fax machine shouldn't have turned on. Then for 4 months after Matt died, in the middle of the night, my sister's bedroom door would open. And one night, she saw a dark figure come down the hallway after her door had opened. She thought it was my Dad, so she got up and went into my Mom and Dad's room only to discover my Dad laying in bed snoring. She sprinted back to her bed and covered her head and said "Matt, I'm okay." And her door never opened in the middle of the night again.

So. . . if these goosebumps I'm feeling are Josie, I keep wondering if there's a way that I can talk to her. If there's some way. I don't know a lot about spirits. I know they exist. I'm just wondering how I can talk to it, if it's her.

I hope this doesn't become me. . .

So I read FMYLIFE on like a regular basis. Pretty much when I feel down about life, which apparently is like every day. Well I came across this gem and I cried a little inside.

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML.

FML indeed. And then I fear this will be me. What if this happens to me?? I thought it might happen to me when the love of my life got married (as did my friends who were afraid I would stand up and say "I object!!" is that the right word? Object?? It doesn't seem right, but you all know what I mean, but then I realized that while I loved him, I couldn't see myself standing up there with him. Which is good. And while I do still get giddy when he calls me and when I get to see him, it's a different kind of giddy. Anywho. . . let's hope this doesn't happen to me!!

I think I just vomited in my mouth a little. . .

I realize I read the gossip columns and skim through the gossip magazines, but after I read this I'm pretty sure I vomited in my mouth a little. And gagged.

Long story short, MacKenzie Phillips said she had a consensual incestuous relationship for 10 years with her father.

I feel bad for her. I read cases all the time about children who are molested by a parent, grandparent, uncle, sibling, cousin, etc. . . and they are effed up to put it mildly. It's something that's not really supposed to happen naturally. Do most of those kids turn to drugs to forget about it and block the pain?? Yes.

Heck, once I started kissing boys, I quit kissing my Dad on the lips!

But I digress. . . I don't get it. I realize that she was apparently blacked out when it first happened and then woke up during it. But wouldn't something tell you, "ummm... my dad is having sex with me I need to roll over?!?" I don't know.

I come from a very huggy and loving family, but I don't think I ever found my Dad even REMOTELY attractive. Or ever been remotely attracted to my Dad. My friends' Dads yes, heck some of my Dad's Friends, but my Dad. . .NO. And I know many guys that have Hot Moms that are really repulsed by the fact their friends find their Mom hot.

So was it the drugs that made her feel this was an okay thing for TEN YEARS?? I don't know. I just don't get it. I do know that up until about a year ago my nephew (when he was 3) said that he was going to marry his mom (my sister) and live happily ever after. And he also said that he would marry his Aunt A. Will I take my nephew up on this in 20 years when I'm desperate?? Probably not.

Sorry I brought this up. I just couldn't help it. I needed to write it out because it disturbed me soo much. I am disturbed. Perhaps she should have been seeing a psychiatrist for the last 35 years instead of doing the drugs. . .

And for H. . . I do realize that I have inappropriate dreams with both Morgan Freeman and Craig T Nelson circa Coach in the last 2 years, but they are not my Dad. . . just old enough to be. . . :)

When it Rains. . .It pours. . .Men?!?

For starters, Amanda, I'm sorry you're finding out this way. But I will be sure to tell you first after it's over, before I put anything on my blog about it. :)

I have a date Sunday. A date. It's been a long time since I had a date. And no, I don't count anytime I have with Dean as a date even if he pays for my meal or buys my drinks. We're friends. That's just what some guy friends do. Even if H disagrees. . .

Anyway, I haven't had a date since the bad Internet date debacle. But I was set up by an acquaintance, and I've talked to him on the phone and through email and he sounds really cool.

For starters, he has a cute sounding phone voice. (And I've seen his picture, so I know he's cute too!) This is a pre-requisite for me, mainly because if your voice annoys me on the phone, there's no way that I'll be able to date you because I enjoy talking on the phone on my long drives.

Secondly, he asked if I wanted to go miniature golfing for our date. I'm not sure if you remember, but I told Jeremy he should take his date miniature golfing because it's something fun and what I would want to do on a date.

Thirdly, he asked if we wanted to meet or he would come get me, which ever was more convenient for me. He wasn't sure if it would be weird, since we're practically strangers for him to come meet me at my house. Adorable!!

I don't have a fourth reason of why it's starting out well.

Anyway, Sarah, Em, and I went to a Tyrone Wells concert on Tuesday and they ran into one of their high school friends who they haven't seen in like 10 years. He's cute. I mean REAL cute. And he sang along to Tyrone with us. Oh did I mention he's single?? And they're trying to set me up with him? Oooh and the kicker?? He just moved to town and just so happens to live with one of the guys I play softball with! Yes. And he's trying to set us up too. Kelso asked in his email if the other girls were single and I replied back that I WAS SINGLE and he was just surprised. He didn't realize I was single still. . .I know I am a catch, but no man has actually tried to catch me recently. Or within the last year or so. . . so. . . thanks. . . I think. . .

So then last night while at Kickball, Sarah tells me "Soo. . . remember Tues night we were talking about when it rains, it pours??" And I say "Yeah..." And she says "Well remember that one guy I thought you would be good with but he had just gotten out of a relationship and said he'd let me know when he's ready? Well, he's ready. He just told me to try and set it up!!"

See. . . back a few years ago when I was younger and thinner (Okay it was like 2 years ago almost now) I had 3 guys calling me and I was spending a lot of time with 3 different guys. I basically kind of liked one and really liked the other. The other being Dean. Well, there was an instance when out with the other 2 guys that one of my guy friends brought up Dean, and the other 2 said "Wait, you're dating someone????" Which well, I didn't really think that I was dating any of them. But apparently we were doing "date-like" things, so I guess I was inadvertently dating all 3.

So basically, my life could be raining men. . . but right now I'm just concentrating on Sunday. That's the only date set in stone. I just hope my competitive side doesn't come out in miniature golf!!!

Things I know that I wish I didn't. . .

I'm not sure, but I will probably watch at least the 1st episode of the New Melrose Place, just to see what it's like. Because for awhile, I couldn't go a week without watching it. I quit watching it, but once Rob Estes, came back to it, I started to watch it again.

So today, to avoid work, I see that MSN has the whole "Where are they now?" for the original Melrose Place cast. . .and I spotted an error. Yep. I watched the show enough, that I spotted an error. I hope by the time you see it, it's been changed.

They actually have a picture of Vanessa Williams singer and actress from Horrible movies with Arnold and Ugly Betty fame (I do love her in Ugly Betty). Not the Vanessa Williams that was actually on the original Melrose Place.

I, someone, who doesn't get paid to do these little articles found this out. ME. I sent a Feedback comment to the page.

When Will I Learn?!?

So last night after our awesome 12-2 victory in our first Kickball game. . . and yes, we 10-run ruled them in the 5th. . . we went out for some beverages at one of my favorite dive bars. Which by the way, is the same bar where I gave the 45-year-old bartender my number to prove my point that Dean and I weren't dating nor hooking up. But guess who never called?!? Okay, so I wasn't too upset that he never called, but still. . .it's the principle of the matter! Oh and said bartender was working. . . anyway. . .

My friend who I will call Moon and I were talking about his girlfriend and how when they broke up back in January, they never changed their Facebook status and if you don't change your Facebook status it means it's not really "official" you know?!? Sorry this is an inside joke with a bunch of my friends and I, but in reality, it does seem to hold true. . . So then he just lets out this big sigh in the midst of talking about her. And I'm like "what's the big sigh for??" So he starts telling me all these things. All these negative things. And he says how they've been together for 2 1/2 years and how it's like do or die now time.

I then tell him that it's not really do or die time if you can see yourself marrying her and being with her forever. To which he responds that he doesn't know and isn't sure. I then start going on about how when you're in college or high school and you've been dating someone for 2 1/2 years or 6 years and it continues into your adult world, it might take longer than 2 1/2 years into your adult world* to determine if that person is the one or the person you've just grown comfortable with them.

In the adult world, it's different. You should know in 2 years now. It shouldn't take that long to realize this is "the one." So I go into the stories of my friends who dated the same person since high school and got married years after college. Or the ones that started dating their junior year of college and now just got married. And with all of them it took them the year or two into their adult lives to realize that who they were with were "the one." And then I told him of my 2 high school friends who dated all through high school and all through college only to break up their first year out of college. Dustin ended up meeting his wife Kristin later that year and married her with in 3 years of meeting her. Because he realized right away she was the person he couldn't live without. I told Moon that you just know. When you start to be a grown up, I fully believe you just know.

So he contemplates this and says "Oh so I should break up with her then??" And I say, "Wait. . .NO, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you need to think about all these things before you make any decisions." Which I would like to believe he's been thinking about these things for awhile now. Then Moon says "Yeah, thanks for telling me I should just break up with her. I think that's what I'm going to do." And then Dean says "Way to tell him to break up with his girlfriend!!" I hate myself now.

The problem with this: I like Moon's girlfriend. I really like her. She's really nice and sweet. But with all the things he was telling me with regards to their relationship, maybe it isn't good for them to be together. And as a girl, if I could have a relationship for over 2 years, I would like to think that this was the person I would be thinking about spending my life with. Granted, I don't go into first dates thinking this. . .but after a few dates, the thought crosses my mind if this is someone that's going to annoy me years down the road. Maybe this is why my longest relationship has been 6 months and I have a problem with commitment and lean towards awkward friendships. . .but that my friends is a different post.

*Adult World to me is when you start to make your own money and don't have to rely on your parents anymore or not as much for money to live on. . .

Random Thought for the Day

Why do I keep getting Male Enhancement spam to my email junk folder?

I am a girl. That doesn't have any plans to switch genders. . . .

And why do I keep getting spam about increasing my sexual experience??

Does my computer know something I don't?!?!?!?

My thoughts on celebrities this week. . .

First off, I want to say that I am saddened by DJ AM's death. I didn't know this until Monday morning which shows how I didn't watch nor read anything this past weekend while home for the services. DJ AM has come here a few times and DJ'd. I'm also sad that he died from an apparent drug overdose. I think that's what saddens me the most especially since he had just done a show about kids doing drugs. It's sad. But I know Josie is up there dancing with the beats he's throwing down.

Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to say anything about him anymore, but Wonderwall on MSN keeps sucking Speidi into my eye space, and I can't seem to look away from reading about them. Reasons I know you're a douche in real life and aren't just faking it: You want to change your name to King Spencer Pratt, you said you would divorce Heidi if she got pregnant and didn't give it up for adoption, and you got mad at Al Roker, to just to name a few. Here's your sign and it says that not only are you stupid, but you're a douche.

Chris Brown temporarily forgot what he did to Rihanna?? Well I guess I have heard of people blacking out in complete fits of rage but still. Yikes.

I was also saddened to hear that John Krasinski (Jim Halpert, the Office) is getting married to Emily Blunt. I like Emily Blunt, but first she was with Michael Buble and now John!! This makes me sad. Maybe I need to move to LA or something to meet these guys. . .

Also David Boreanaz had another baby with his wife. I'm happy for this. And can't wait for Bones to start up again. I love that show!!!

Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have apparently made their relationship go public. That's nice. . . Does anyone else find it weird that their relationship was made public before their Lifetime Movie and then now they've "come out" before CSI:Miami starts, which is the show that he is going to be on now?!? Anyone?!?

I think that's all I have.

Smile

There's that song that says:

Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Though there are clouds in the sky, you get by... If you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through.
If you just light up your face with gladness, Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever, ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find life is worthwhile
If you'll just smile, come on and smile.

That's what I'm trying to do everyday. I did that a lot this weekend. I would laugh and then cry and then smile just thinking about her. It was good to see some old college friends and friends from high school. It was nice that all of us college girls got to hang out again. It just massively sucks that the reason we all got together was because Josie died. And we all talked about how sick she had gotten the last couple of months. And we all knew it wasn't good. But none of us ever thought she wouldn't beat cancer. She had beaten breast cancer once already. We really thought she could do anything. That's why all of us were soo surprised. She woke up on Saturday (I originally thought it was Friday) and she said that she couldn't fight anymore. She was ready. And two hours later she died in the arms of her husband and her Dad.

I guess sometimes you never realize the impact your friends have on you until they're gone. I am just lucky to have known her. Blessed to be able to call her a friend. I do promise that most of my posts following this will be happier. I thought I'd let you see this about her if you'd like. Or read about her here.

I Want to go Back. . .

That's the title of one of my favorite Eddie Money songs. Josie loved 80s music as do I, and often in college we would rock out to Eddie Money's greatest hits. It's strange when something you know is probably going to happen but you somehow have this hope that it won't turn out the way you think it will.

My friend Josie passed away on Saturday. Words cannot express the heartache that I feel. I can't seem to quit crying. I don't do it as much when people are around me, but when I'm alone I just bawl. I'm not a big cryer in front of people. But I guess that's what happens when you lose someone you loved so much. My friends have been absolutely the best though about making sure I'm not alone too much. Which is nice that they put up with me getting silent and grabbing a Kleenex. I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take sometime.

I'm so happy that I got to see her a month ago. And hug her. And tell her that I love her. I will miss her trying to always get me to do things that made me really uncomfortable. She always made me step out of my box of comfortableness. I will miss her raw energy. Her strength.

I bought a card last Wednesday that I never sent. It said:

"I believe in mind over matter. I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small. I believe in the human spirit to prevail. I believe in possibilities. I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us." And in the inside it said "I believe in you."

I thought it was a great card for her while she started her radiation treatments for the tumor that was now in her brain as well as the pesky one that was growing in her liver. My heart hurts especially for her husband. They were only married for 2 years. It's not fair. Finding your soul mate and then losing her so soon. I have so many memories of her and the both of them. Her Mom wrote on Facebook that she was happy that she didn't wake up sobbing today. I can't imagine the hurt they are going through when I hurt so bad.

Josie sent updates every month or so in mass email so she wouldn't have to write different emails. Sometimes when there was no news really, she'd just text me with the results. So John that night she died, sent out something that I'm sure broke his heart. Here's John's words and Josie's last email:

Hey all, it’s John. I hate to tell everyone this way, but my wife was always prompt and organized so she would want me to get this out asap. Josie died today after 5 years of battling this shitty disease. She woke up and told us she couldn’t fight anymore and spent the rest of the day comfortable and surrounded by loved ones. Josie was in the middle of one of her famous “updates” to let everyone know what she has been going through the last few weeks and I attached it below. In true Josie form she didn’t get to finish it because she didn’t have all the information needed to give a complete (4 page) update. My wife is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and it was the honor of my life to be married to her and hold her hand through this long journey. The void she left is immeasurable and luckily we’ve had the chance to talk about her legacy the past few nights. You all were her strength and she loved having you in her life. She wanted to be cremated and some of her ashes spread in San Diego (Sunset Cliffs in OB) but the rest we’ll decide this week. Love JD

From Josie:

Goodness, goodness where to start… First of all, we don’t even know how to thank you all enough for your support, prayers and everything good you have all been sending our way – even when many of you have had very limited information over the last couple of weeks as I’m sure many of you have heard just bits and pieces of random info. As many of you know, John and my Mom admitted/took me into the hospital on Friday, August 7th, after many days of being incoherent and nodding off while working, texting, driving :)Physically, we received pretty immediate bad news. Many of my symptoms seemed to be pointing towards issues of confusion so they got me in right away for a scan of my noggin/brain and unfortunately learned that there has been metastasized disease spread to the brain – which they truly haven’t scanned for until this point. They immediately got me in for 3 radiation treatments to my brain on Wed, Thurs & Friday, and now will start the final 7 of the 10-total radiation treatments that they think may have some chance of stopping their growth and buying me some lucid quality time. I go in this morning for first of the combined brain/liver chemo.This is by far the hardest and most honest email I’m going to have to send everyone, as they have been very honest with us this time that my body can’t handle what it could even just a month ago, and it could only be weeks that I have left… Wow… what a strange thing to have to put in writing. I just want everyone to know I’m feeling better and love everyone so much. Love,Josie, John and Barker

I know my life won't ever be the same without her in it, and I can't imagine where my life would have been had she not been it. She was a ray of sunshine. I will miss her deeply.

A

Why I won't be on Reality TV anytime soon. . .

So I've been following this because true crime stuff fascinates me. I wrote a report in high school on serial killers and then couldn't sleep for weeks. But it interests me. I often wonder why people do the things they do. But this guy is CRAZY. I mean seriously. It really disturbs me. And the weird part is he was on a dating show. Don't they screen these people better??

If I was going to be on a Dating Reality show say like the Bachelorette or something, I would hope that producers would screen my dates pretty good. Like one of the questions on the application should say "Name and numbers of the last three people you went on dates with" so then they could call them and at least find out if the guy was verbally or physically abusive to them. Granted I'm pretty sure Megan Wants a Millionaire or whatever the name of the show is, probably didn't have a great quality of contestants because what self-respecting guy would want to date someone that was on the Rock of Love. I do watch that show in small increments because I have such a hard time believing there are actually people out there in society that function like that on a day to day basis.

In happier news, I got to see this really hot bartender that I have a HUGE crush on last night. Our softball team played his team and he was the pitcher, so yes, I saw/stared/gazed longingly into his blue eyes the whole night. He's so f'ing cute. I mean seriously. I also got to see hot player from my friend Tim's team, although Tim wasn't playing. There is just something about ball players. I swear!!!

If you think you're having a bad day. . .

It could be worse. . . This could be you.

I actually wish I had words for this, but really it might be a lose/lose situation. Plus, they said the tests are really time consuming. Like they can't just check to see if the person has male/female parts. And the bad thing, I can't tell by the picture.

I bet that's what people say about me too. Except I did get a "You look a lot like your Mom!" this weekend. To which my Gramps says "Yeah, she looks a lot like her other Grandpa." Thanks Gramps. Thanks buddy. He also said it like 3 other times to other people when asked which one I was.

Your brief weird news for the day. . .

Here are some good stories today:

This lady needs to be locked away forever. No joke.

I used to love you. Now, I just want to kick you. I mean seriously. Just quit it. I don't care anymore.

And for the good news. This made me hungry. Also, how do I get a job as a Guiness World Records Adjudicator.

I'm also a little sad that I never got to see this. It's now been taken down. Does it make me a perv that I wanted to see it??? I just really love McSteamy even though I quit watching Grey's after the whole Dead Denny thing last year.

Off the news subject. . . I notice that whenever Joel McHale makes fun of something on The Soup I tend to watch that show at least once or for as long as I can stand it if it's something I've never seen. I watched Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and I'm not sure that Kim Kardashian realized how b*tchy it makes her look. She definitely thinks she is a bigger star than she is. I mean, she's really just famous for a sex tape. And that's how she got famous. Like Paris Hilton. Darn it. I said I wouldn't mention her name again. Oh well. Sorry.

How to Realize God has a sense of humor. . .

So I am getting ready to leave work and have to share this mainly because my normal IM buddies *cough H *cough are no longer at work. . . .

I went down to the restroom and changed into my workout clothes, so I could just stop on my way home from work. No biggie. Change into your workout clothes, leave the building. It's that easy.

My workout clothes consist of a sort of thin white t-shirt and shorts. Again, what's the big deal?? Well, it's a big deal when you take off your bra and mean to change into your sports bra and forget to. You just put on your thin white t-shirt. That's slightly see through. Especially when you have to walk out of the building through the entrance of the Brew Pub/Restaurant that you work above. And you walk outside on a really sunny day. So your shirt is see through and you're not wearing a bra?!? Yeah. I think I sprinted back into the building as fast as I could into the elevator and high tailed to my office to put my sports bra on.

Man, those 4 floors back up to my office were REALLY slow on the elevator!!!

And why are my sports bras so comfortable that I didn't even notice?!?

I guess this is your funny for your Friday! Happy Friday!!

Just the basics, Ma'am.

I was going to write a witty sentence or 2 about how H needed update her damn blog but then I looked and she did. Maybe I should buy into that whole Google Reader thing I keep hearing about.

Also, has anyone noticed besides me that Twitter is a lot like Facebook Status update?!? Anyone?? I've thought this for a long time and now keep thinking it more and more lately.

Wait, I should put my thoughts into bullet form because it's nicer to read, isn't it?!?

• Dane Cook made a funny joke about how Vanessa Hudgen's shouldn't take nude photos in the digital age at the Teen Choice Awards. . .and he's right. But his joke got cut from the TV broadcast because it was deemed inappropriate. Say more inappropriate than a 16 or 17-year-old girl taking nude photos of herself and sending them to people?!? Really?!?
• It also makes me happy that I didn't grow up in the digital age. I'd hate to quote someone on this, but on Chelsea Lately, one of the comics made the comment that back in the day if you wanted to take nude pictures, you'd have to take it to the store to get them developed and then you knew the people developing them would see them! Plus with the digital age and email, pictures get around within seconds. How do people not realize this?!? I mean, can I tell you about the number of texts I've actually sent to the wrong person?!?
  
• I made birthday cupcakes for my friend's 30th Birthday party. I am nice.

• I seemed to have slept really well last night. I'm not sure if my exhaustiveness caught up with me or the 2 glasses of wine my aunt and I drank right before bed did.
• I got a little more excited than I should when I saw that 17 Again came out on DVD on Tuesday. Guess what movie I'll make Dean watch with me when he gets back from vacation?!?
• My other cousin is pregnant! I'm super excited! And do you know what this means?? On my Mom's side 4 cousins are having kids within 10 months of each other. And the 3 guy cousins have the initials BJ. CRAZY!!!
• This summer weather is lovely. I love the hot but not the humid. Yesterday, the heat, without the humidity. It was awesome and a great night for a baseball game.

Happy half way through the work week!!!

Why I have been in a mood. . .

My friend is dying. I hate saying that. Maybe she isn't. Maybe there will be some miracle.

I still have this hope that it is “might be” dying but alas the last time I saw her I can’t shake the image of the person I saw. The same sweet smile, the same bubbly personality, the same optimistic attitude, but alas not the same strong body I was used to seeing.

I guess here is the long story quasi short:

Josie was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 25 in Feb '05 and then was in "remission" for almost a year or so. Then in October '07, she was going in for a check up. She was literally walking out of the office with a "alls good!" when she made the comment to the doctor that she had had a cough for 2 months. The Doc ordered a CT scan and that's when they discovered she had cancer in her right lung, rib cage lining, and liver. Her lung was filled with fluid and for about 2-3 months kept collapsing because the cancer had caused a hole in her lung.

In Feb '08 they thought the cancer in her liver was rotting from the inside only to discover it was metastasizing at an alarming rate, however, the cancer in her right lung and rib cage lining had disappeared. Her doctor that she was with through the breast cancer said she couldn't do anymore and that Josie should think about Hospice. Josie said "Hell no! It's gone 2 out of 3 places!" So she then switched drs since the other one wanted to put her on Hospice.

For 10 months the liver cancer tumor shrunk to 1/2 its size. Then they put her on a chemo "holiday" for a month in November. It was a month later though the tumor grew back to over double its size and ever since then no other chemo treatment has seemed to control it. They couldn't put her back on the old chemo treatment because it had seriously depleted her bone marrow. She's hoping to qualify for a trial that might help. But she's very weak and super sick now. I was with her in March, and if you didn't know she was sick, you wouldn't have guessed it. In April, when I saw her for her 30th bday, she had lost some weight, but nothing too major.

So it was very hard to see her now. But I'm glad I went. She is nothing but skin and bones now and a 6-month preggar belly. The preggar belly being caused by all the fluid she is retaining now. 2.5 Liters a day. And so she doesn’t have to go to the hospital everyday like she has the last month, they inserted a catheter so she can drain herself. Before we ate she had to drain so she could have room in her stomach. My friend is nothing but a trooper. She honestly said to me "So I guess you know it's not good." Like I couldn't tell by looking at her.

She had to go into the hospital on Friday. Her electrolytes were out of whack. She slept mostly. Today she'll find out more. More about the tumors. More about how her life will change.

I cried all weekend. I got home from my friend's birthday and I bawled. I can't stop. I can't sleep. And I know if she knew it was affecting me this badly, she'd hit me. Tell me to snap out of it. Tell me, she's still here, living life. So I shouldn't cry now. Cry later. But it's hard. It's hard to be so far away from her. It's hard not being able to talk to her. She was never much of a talker on the phone anyway, but now she's too weak to even text back. Her husband tried to answer her emails but she gets to many he said and it would be a full time job to answer them.

Did I mention, she's still working her job?? Yeah. That's her.

The whole time I was with her a week and a half ago, I pretended she didn't look different. Pretended she didn't look sick. I pretended everything was okay. Until I left her. That's when I cried.

I watched my grandparents slowly die. And it was painful. But for some reason, for me anyway, it's soo much harder to watch my friend.

**UPDATE-Josie now has a tumor in her brain. :( But the bone scans came back clear, so that is really good. She's a fighter, and is ready to fight the brain tumor head on too. No pun intended.

I want to kill my neighbor. . .

I'm all for partying on my porch. I'm all for staying up late.



But I am not for LOUD partying on my porch and staying up late. . .on a school night.



Even on the weekend when my friends and I get loud on my porch, I worry that I am waking up my neighbors that may be sleeping when it's 2am. I feel bad. Maybe that's just who I am.



But ever since I saw Josie last Wednesday, I can't sleep well to save my life. It's like I'm sleeping, but not really. And after having a mini meltdown at like 10:30pm last night and my cousin was the only friend up, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. (Thanks again D$!)



Then I heard my neighbor and God knows what other guys. And there was a chance they were there prior, but through my sobs, I could not hear them. They were loud until 1-1:30am. On a school night. I mean LOUD. I could make out the entire conversation verbatim. It wasn't muffled loudness. I would hope at 42-years-old with 3 kids that you would know what indoor voices are.



Maybe he was just up celebrating PJ's Birthday early. . .Happy Birthday PJ!!!!!

Do you Remember the Time??

When I said that I would update my blog this week or weekend?? Yeah. . .it didn't happen. It's called "NO TIME" whatsoever.

And yes, I did quote a Michael Jackson song. I still kind of miss hearing the songs like all day on the radio for like a week.

Anywho, to wet your whistle a little I will give you a tease as to how the wedding was. I drank myself sober with shots. Yeah, I didn't think that was still possible. But it is. Even at my age. I mean, it's not like I didn't start drinking at 5pm and didn't let up until 11:30pm. I felt like "Oh I had a few beers" and I woke up feeling like I hadn't drank the night before. It's weird. And awesome seeing as I had to drive home like 5 hours. Open bars are never a good thing and an old friend of your sisters being the bartender who was making the shots is never good either. I did literally lay on my couch the rest of the night after getting home. I mean, I got ready for bed at 7pm--jammies, teeth brushed, and face washed, pretty much the minute I walked in the door.

Also this morning I was late for work. Not because of me, but because my 2nd floor neighbor went outside on her balcony to water her plants and the door jam for her sliding glass door fell and she was stuck outside on her deck. She had been sitting outside for 25 minutes waiting for someone to walk out of their house. Then I had to call her parents and sister to try and get her extra key. I felt so bad for her!! And of course her door was locked still so I couldn't just go and open it and let her out. She said she thought about shimmying down the side, but then realized it wasn't like she could get back into her place anyway.

I'm still here. . . barely. . .

I'm going to make this rather short. It should be rather long seeing as I haven't written in forever. But my friend Amanda BBM'd me and said that she loved Katy Perry's new song that I wrote in my post in June since she was just catching up on my blog and then I realized "Wait, I haven't written anything since like the end of June." And I have to tell you about the new guy* I'm dating and moving in with!!

I'm sorry for slacking!! I also got a comment from a newbie on my last post, which totally caught me by surprise! Usually the only people that comment are people's blogs I read or family and friends! So after looking at her blog, I am going to start reading it seeing as she is a great writer, funny stories, and has alcohol recipes. And well, I do like to partake in an alcoholic beverage now and then. . . :) Thanks!

The following excuses have kept me from updating my blog though:

• Work
• HBO Sunday nights. I must literally divert all my attention and if I don't, Dean says "Umm, are you even paying attention?!?" (And yes I am because like most girls, I can do 2 things at once. And I want to get the dishes done now, so I can sit and relax and not have to worry about it afterwards.)
• I enjoy being outside when it's nice out in the summer.
• More Work
• Travelling for Work
• Travelling in general
• Work

I think that about sums it up!! I swear I will try this week/weekend to write something. I do have a ton of stories.

*That's a joke to Amanda. I'm not dating anyone, nor moving in with anyone. She asked me what was new and I said "Nothing." And she said "Not even any guy stories?!?" And I said "No." And she said that she'd just have to wait and read it in my blog then. Which is funny because I would totally tell her about it first before I put it in my blog! Crazy lady!!!!! :) Love you Mo!

Things I do because apparently I am the BESTEST friend ever. . .

Usually Sundays are my day to sleep in. And by sleep in, the latest I ever let myself sleep is like 10-10:30, but that's sleeping in by my standards. I'm usually always up at 8am on Saturdays to go to my Gramps. And this Saturday I will be playing in a mud volleyball tournament at 8am.

However, yesterday morning I got up at 5am. That's 5am. . . before the sun comes up. . . to watch some of my good friends participate in the HyVee Triathlon. Anna kept reminding me she was picking me up at 5:45am. And yes, I am crazy. My friend Jamie went with us too and I told her I would make her a to go coffee mug and asked her how she took her coffee. And she said black. And I said "With Baileys?!?" To which she thought that was a great idea. Apparently in the morning I do not function and ended up with a slight cut on my finger from trying to open the mini-Bailey's bottle. So she got some coffee, Baileys, and perhaps a little iron from the blood that may or may not have gotten into it.

I was actually amazed at how many people I knew that were doing it. I only knew of 6 people off the bat, but instead I knew like 12+. . . so that was cool. My friend Jamie said "How many people do you know?!? Perhaps you should just start going with who you don't know doing this!" Especially because this guy ran and I did not insult him* this time. I only cheered him on.

My friend Emily did especially awesome. She did it in under 3 hours. A guy Adam who works in my building did it in 2 hours, 24 minutes. INSANE. My neighbor Joe and his friend Robb, did it in 3 hours, 15 minutes-ish. They were 6 minutes apart. Two other guys in my building did it in under 3 hours. I am soo proud of those people. Maybe I'll do a relay next year. . .maybe. . . My friends that did the relay portions did a great job too.

I was especially impressed with a woman who was like 80 something that did it. She was a good inspiration. All my friends had finished by the time she started the run even. But still AMAZING!!

Overall, I guess it was good to see them, not so good to be up so effing early on a Sunday. But I did lay out for an hour and took a nap and then went inside and slept for another hour. Yes, I was tired!!

*Awhile ago my cousin Mac went and was talking to one of her friends after a 10K race and Tim was standing with him. So he introduced them and Mac asked him how he ran and then proceeded to say "Really?!? You look like a pretty athletic guy and ran pretty slow!!" She had actually ran faster than he did. She then went on and on giving him crap about how slow he ran. She had no idea who he was, until she got back to the table and our guy friends were like "Do you know WHO you were talking to!?!?" Of course, Mac can get away with this because she's very pretty. He also ran part of her 20-mile run with her a couple of Saturdays ago.

Then a couple of Fridays ago, I meet her out and Tim comes up and introduces himself to me. I am chatting around the table and he starts talking to me. Well his head is right below the College World Series, so I keep looking at the game while I'm talking to him. It was tied 2-2 bottom of the 7th, AZ State and Texas. Well he calls me out on this. I am super embarrassed and he informs me it's kind of hot that I keep ignoring him to watch the game. Then I start going on and on about how I could sit and watch college sports all day, especially basketball and football. But how I'm not really a pro fan. And the only NFL teams I'll watch are the Bears and sometimes the Packers. And really I only watched the Packers because of Brett Favre but I did watch them a few times this year and thought Aaron Rogers did a good job. Oh and how I thought that pro athletes are now only in for the money and how they have sort of lost the love of the game and just want the power and money now. Yeah. . . I am awesome. Way to insult a former NFLer.

I Want You Back. . .

As I said earlier this week, the passing of Ed McMahon made me very sad. . . and then yesterday happened.

Yesterday morning I was very sad to hear the passing of Farrah Fawcett. I wanted to be a Charlie's Angel. I still do. Not going to lie. When her story came on about a month ago with her fight with liver cancer, my mom asked me if I was going to watch it. And I told her I couldn't because if she died soon after I watched it I would be too sad because that is the type of cancer that Josie has. And at the time, Josie wasn't doing all that well. And now Farrah Fawcett has lost her battle with cancer. I know many people overcome cancer everyday, it's just that her death hits closer to home. And makes me thinks about things that I really refuse to think about because in my heart of hearts, I know if anyone can survive it, it's her. I know it. Farrah Fawcett will forever be a 70s/80s icon for her flawless beauty.

I had to play softball at 6pm yesterday, and as we were sitting there, a guy came up and said "Did you hear Michael Jackson died??" And I said "Wait?!? NO!! He was just rushed to the hospital!!" Then I googled it, and sure enough, Michael Jackson had died. So weird. Michael Jackson although in the last decade has been under scrutiny (and had maybe gone a little batty) had no doubt changed the world. He changed music. He changed pop culture. He was an icon and crossed barriers. I am wondering what will happen to his children and if they will finally not have to wear veils or masks in public. I will miss you Michael Jackson. And whenever I watch Center Stage, I will think of you. And anytime I hear your songs, I will miss you.

Well when I got home from softball last night, Dean and I were watching the specials on NBC waiting for H and Bill to get there. We were talking on and off through the Michael Jackson one and then when Farrah's came on, I got silent. And I teared up. It was just sooo sad watching hers. And how Ryan O'Neal was all choked up when he talked. It was very sad. Then Dean got off the couch and did the moon walk to the bathroom and I smiled.

And the only reason I was even hanging out with him was because he was really wanting to hang out with H and Bill. H didn't believe me, but he really did. He called me during my softball game to make sure that I called him when they got into town. And yes, I do realize it's weird seeing as he's only met them like once or twice, but they are pretty awesome. Then later, when Dean was outside smoking, I said that I added his number back into my phone as "Don't Call Me" because Sarah said that deleting it would be what you would do to a boyfriend. . . not a friend. Touche! So I added it as that. Then H turns to Bill and says "Told you she'd add it back soon." Ouch. Then she informed me that putting it as that in my phone is still a girlfriend thing to do. Double Ouch. It's staying that way though. Either way.

It was great to see H for if only a brief moment. Maybe I'll get up to see you sometime! Maybe!! :)

Happy Friday people!! Remember each day is a new day and to live each day with a smile on your face.

Why I need to pay better attention to what I'm doing or start drinking more coffee in the afternoon

So this is not the first time you have heard this sort of thing from me. This is like the 2nd time in almost 2 months now. . .

So. . . since it's hotter than all get out, outside, I have worn a dress or skirt all week. Well today, I'm wearing a cute little dress with a short sleeve cardigan. (TMI ALERT) However, I couldn't wear a normal bra with this dress just in case I wanted to take the cardigan off if it got too hot, so I wore my strapless bra. Well, after having my strapless bra on now for about 6 hours or so, I IM my friend Sarah this.

I think nothing of this and go about my work. Then out of no where I get an IM from this guy Matt who used to work in my building but just moved to Colorado. It simply states this: ?

I respond with: ?? (because I have no idea as to what he wants or is needing)

To which Matt says:
Oh I'm sorry I just thought that maybe you didn't mean to send that to me
but ok, I'll go for it...so why do you regret it?

So I say: What did I send to you??

Matt says:
about your strapless bra
and your dress today
and how you regret it
just sorta came out of the blue

I then reply: Oooh. hahahahaha. I'm soooo sorry! I meant to send that to Sarah!

Matt says: Thats what I thought


I then say: So, since you were curious. . .the reason I regret it, is that strapless bras tend to dig into you more. Like underneath your breasts because they have no shoulder straps to lift them up. That's why I'm regretting it.

Matt says: Thanks for letting me know. I'll try and remember this for future reference.

Now, I would be completely mortified had he still worked in the building and got that IM. . .and had we not had a little thing for a brief moment.

Anywho, the original IM that was supposed to go to Sarah said this: I wore a strapless bra today with my dress and I am really mad at myself now.

And I will remind you again. . .my cool factor is way beyond belief. . . WAY beyond belief. . .

Things that irked me this week. . .

I'm an overly sensitive person. I know this. With some people, the overly sensitiveness is extremely heightened. But within the last week, it got ridiculous.

So. . . last Tuesday I went out to The Hangover with Dean and Jamie. On the way there, he informs me that his ex-girlfriend was having her 21st birthday the next night and she wanted him to go to it. And I said "Really?? After a couple of weeks ago she had texted you and said not to talk to her or touch her because she couldn't handle it?? You're soo getting laid." And he said "What?!? No. . ." And I said "It's her 21st birthday, she'll be drunk, and she's in love with you still. So you'll sleep together, she'll want a relationship again, you'll tell her you're not into her still, and she'll start stalking you. Your relationship goes full circle then." He did not find this funny. I thought it was pretty funny. And I've had this happen to a number of guy friends! haha! Plus after they broke up she apparently was quasi stalking his Facebook because she got mad at a couple of comments his friends made after they broke up.

Anywho, fast forward to after the movie and us sitting at the bar having a beverage. So these 2 girls from where Dean and Jamie work part-time and said ex-girlfriend worked come in. The one is all over Dean, and you can tell that he is not enjoying this at all. Jamie and I found it kind of funny. Well Jamie tells me that this girl is super annoying and just loves to hear herself talk and repeats things over and over. And Jamie was right. I heard the same thing 4 times in about a 10-minute span when Jamie asked about how her job was going. Well it was getting to be 10pm, and I was needing sleep. So we leave and in the car, Dean tells me that this girl had said that she wanted to have sex with him. And I in my quick wittedness say "You totally should. You could sleep your way around the restaurant!" He did not find this funny. At all. And got very defensive. I said "Well I was only joking. Apparently it was a bad joke." When we got to his house, he didn't even hug me or high five me when he got out.

I email Wyatt on Wednesday and ask if he used to get kind of mad at me when I would kid him about stuff like that and Wyatt said "at first, but then I got over it." So on Wednesday, I texted him in the morning and said "I hope you know I was just razzing you. You seemed kind of pissed when you got out of the car. You didn't even hug or high five me." Then I wrote "Oh and if you need a ride home on Sunday, you should ask Emily." And the response I got was "Can you give me Emily's number." And nothing else. He was going to the Phish concert on Saturday, and was leaving Thursday, so I was like, well he's busy. Then on Sunday, when he was supposed to be coming home, I still hadn't heard anything. Now, I'm kind of pissed and decided I would just delete his phone number.

Now Monday night comes around and I'm getting even more agitated because usually by then he would have called me to tell me about his weekend and whatnot. No matter how busy he was, I would at least get a phone call when he went to bed. So Tuesday I am now livid. I look his number up on my phone account and text him Tuesday morning and say "Are you gravely ill, dead, or still pissed at me???" And no response. . .until about 8pm last night. All day my stomach started hurting and I just felt sick to my stomach. I got a call from his prefix and I let it go to voicemail. I wasn't sure it was him seeing as I deleted his number but figured it was his. He left a message saying he had a good weekend, was just getting back from work, blah, blah, blah. So I called him back and said hi and then was like "If someone texts you twice saying that they think you are mad at them, you should probably text them back and say that you are or aren't mad at them so they don't get a stomach ache for a whole day." He said he was soo busy at work that he didn't have time to text me. Which he could have done really quickly at say oh LUNCH?!? And he said "Ooh I wasn't mad at all. I don't even remember what you said on Tues. So not a big deal."

I wanted to punch him. I don't call him back one day because I was upset and he calls me and texts me non-stop. I don't believe that he wasn't mad. Most everyone I know would say "Oh I'm not mad. Just busy." Or something along those lines. I mean really.

And I still haven't added his phone number to my phone.

It's so hard to say Goodbye. . .

It seems my life if full of death lately. Thank goodness the only person close to me that has died was my great grandma's first cousin who I knew but not really well. I do however, feel bad for a great number of my friends who lost their grandparents in the last couple of weeks. I really don't know what I'll do/be when Gramps goes.

Anyway, I'm sad that Ed McMahon passed away. Can they still do the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes without him?!? I'll probably get a little teary eyed if his Gold commercials come on as well. It seems in the last 6 months that we've lost some pretty iconic people from my childhood. Two of the Golden Girls, Estelle Getty and Beatrice Arthur and now Ed McMahon. Ed, thank you for bringing us Star Search. And "Hey OH!". I'll miss you.

However, with death, there sometimes comes good. I read this and I think I might have cried a little. . . or at least smiled REALLY big.

Allergies. . . I hate you. . .

My post has nothing to do with my allergies, although I'm pretty drugged up at the current moment. Did you know you can get straight Antihistamine?!? However, it makes you really sleepy and somewhat loopy. My allergy drugs weren't working on Monday, so the pharmacist suggested straight antihistamine because it will knock me out. Yeah, that it did, and I'm still loopy from it when I wake up!!!! I seriously sneezed 200 times on Monday.

Anywho, I'm probably more random than I normally am, except now I can blame it on the drugs.


Things I'm way over and would love to quit hearing about or seeing:
--Pretty much anyone from The Hills. On Chelsea Lately, she like the rest of us is sick of Speidi, and Josh Wolf said they should just start referring to them as Herpes because you hate them and they're annoying, and they'll never go away as much as you try to get rid of them. I love it and will now do that from now on. I'm also really upset that my fave boy from My Boys is dating Lauren Conrad. I don't like you as much now Kyle Howard aka Bobby.
--Adam Lambert. I really don't think I need to go into detail about him.
--The Octo-Mom
--Jon & Kate plus 8
--Reality stars being in the spotlight in general I guess. I don't care. You're not celebrities, so why do you keep popping up in the celebrity section.
--Going to the bathroom, sitting down, and then realizing you didn't get quite get the latch all the way over, so your door is open and you can't do anything because you're already midstream. So all you do is hope that no one comes into the bathroom and causes the door to swing open.

Things I love:
--guys with facial hair. Bradley Cooper in The Hangover. LOVE the facial hair. Chase Crawford with facial hair in People. Loved it and I don't even really think he's cute. There's something about facial hair all of a sudden for me. But not crazy facial hair. Just the slightly scruffy facial hair. Dan-love your facial hair too!
--guacamole and margaritas/sangria are the perfect summer combo
--my cousin H because I get to see her next Thursday! Oh and Bill too! :)
--outdoor patios
--long walks on the beach or in my case long walks through the trails along the creeks and rivers
--The new Katy Perry song "What Happens in Vegas" or whatever the name of the song is. I can't tell you why I like it either. I just do.
--my summer leagues. We've won 1 maybe 2 games in softball (Team Name: Big Bats, Softballs) but we are having a good time doing it this year. In Volleyball, we've won every game and have only lost a total of 4 matches. We're like 17-4 because they go on the total of matches for tournament time. And our team name is Here for the Beer. We don't sound threatening, but apparently we are!

Content in this paragraph may make you squeamish.
I'm really proud of my little cousin. She broke up with BF3 after a week or so of dating because he wanted to have sex and she didn't. I was so proud of her. Then completely terrified when she told me that most of her friends just hook up with guys instead of dating them. Isn't that what you do in college and not in high school?!? I'm just glad she stood strong. Then my sister informed me that my niece told her that one of her friends (who is also 14) broke up with her boyfriend because he kept wanting her to give him a bj. Seriously?!? At 14?!? It's not like she was dating a senior in high school or something. She was dating another 14-year-old!!! What is up with kids these days?!? I'm pretty sure had I seen a penis at the age of 14, I would have ran away and said "You want me to put my mouth, where?!?" I mean, I know guys love them and all, but at 14?!? Man. . . .

Randomness, it is my life. . .

So. . . I have 3 funny to me things that came up that I must share.

The first is that I was talking to H and I said "Man, why haven't you updated your blog in awhile? You need to." And she said "What?? I just updated it." And I said "No you didn't it still has something from November." And then H said "Oooh. . .I started a new blog since then."

H for starters, I think you have a problem. 3 blog titles, in 3 years might constitute as a problem. Do we need to send you to Blogaholics Anonymous which coincidentally was the name of your old blog in reverse. . . I am all about starting interventions. However, I really do enjoy the title. And I'm also a little hurt you forgot to tell me. . .3 months ago. . . I mean it's not like we don't talk almost every day. . . I'm just saying. . . :)

The second is that on Saturday we were talking about Facebook and such with my Mom, Aunt, Sister, Cousin, and friend of the family. My Mom, Aunt, and friend of the family are all in their 60s. So we were talking about the quizzes and such and my sister said, "yeah, I took the IQ quiz but they wanted your cell phone number for the results and I figured that since you (me) did it, how'd you bypass giving your cell phone number??" And I said "I never took that quiz. I've only ever taken 'What Bar is you in Champaign/Urbana?'" So then she tells me that it said I had an IQ of 132 or something. So as a public service announcement I am letting everyone know that if they say your friends took the quiz for their IQ, I would be questioning it. But that wasn't the funny part of the convo. My Mom took the Personality test one and she didn't like the personality they said she was. So she took it 3 different times, answering the questions differently, only for the quiz to say she was the exact same personality 4 times. And I finally said "Mom, did you ever think that maybe you are that personality then???" To which she smacked me on the arm.

The third is that my little cousin and I have been talking more via IM since she's out of school for the summer. Anyway, she has been filling me in on all sorts of high school drama that she has encountered and what not. But yesterday I realized that she actually creates part of her own drama. On her own. Without help from others. And when I brought this to her attention, she says "Oh no. It's okay with all of them." So here is the 411. In the last 4 months, she has had 3 different boyfriends. The first one I will refer to as BF1. BF1 and she dated for about 2-3 months and she was totally and madly in love. This was when I kept spouting such things as abstinence and whatnot until after she graduates high school. Then they broke up because he, out of the blue, said he didn't like her anymore. And a week later, he was dating someone else. To which apparently he was dating this person while he was still technically dating my cousin. Then one of his friends started calling her and talking to her and telling her what a jerk BF1 was, etc. Two weeks later, they were dating. So now I will refer to him as BF2.

BF2 and she dated for about 3 weeks. During this time, they still hung out with BF1 and his new girlfriend. Well then BF2 kept getting mad because he thought that BF1 still had feelings for her and vice versa. Really?!? You just started dating your best friend's girlfriend 2 weeks after they broke up and are wondering if he still likes her?? Really?!? Then she said she wanted to take a break and if he didn't like it, they could break up completely. BF2 chose breaking up completely. Enter good friend of BF1 and BF2, who gets the awesome name of BF3.

Apparently BF3 told her he liked her and a girl that is 19 and in college. He told her BF1 and BF2 weren't good enough for her. BF2 didn't treat her well. BF1 was okay. No one is apparently really friends with BF2 because of the way he treats girl. Then 2 days ago, she started dating the friend of BF1 and BF2. Now, I am trying to be a level headed person here, so I said "Ummm. . . don't you think that maybe you shouldn't date friends??"

I mean I know from personal experience that guys even months/years later are still weird when you hit it off with one of their friends and even if nothing happens, and you hang out with the friend more than them, they become jealous. I think it has something to do with their "territory" and whatnot and it would be really weird if human males peed on girls (I mean they do, it's called a Golden Shower, Thanks Jerm!) to mark their territory like dogs do, so they just get all strange acting when it happens. Heck I had an ex get mad when his GAY friend wanted to hang out with me without him. I mean, that's a 100% guarantee that nothing was going to happen. Anywho. . . it just cracks me up. Especially because I do try and give her advice of say not dating friends within a week period and whatnot but she doesn't listen to me to no avail.

And yes, I have to live vicariously through my cousin because I have no love life. Not even a nibble.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. . .

Things that were adorable my nephew said this weekend:

• He had my sister tell me that he doesn't like my kisses and would appreciate it if I wouldn't kiss him anymore. Then when I was holding him he said "Please don't kiss me!!" and I said "But you're just sooo kissable, I can't help myself!!" Then I said "Why do you always smile when I kiss you then???" And he said "Because it makes me happy." And I said "So you don't want me to kiss you even though it makes you happy??" My nephew, "yes." He's a stinker.

• He loves the number forty but hates the number 15 and will skip it when counting.


• His favorite movie is Smokey and the Bandit because it has trucks, cars, and "the sheriff says bad words."


• I'm his favorite aunt. :)
  

-Yesterday at work I accidentally called the wrong Susan and talked my way out of it. The Susan I wanted was in Nebraska, and I accidentally called the Susan in California because I wasn't paying attention to the numbers. It's amazing what I can do.

-I saw Shawn Johnson yesterday walking down the street on my way to work. I didn't realize I live so close to her. It's my first celebrity citing in my town. . . except for maybe Peter Jennings. :)

-If you'll remember the text messaging incident of last fall where I accidentally texted Dean and told him that his girlfriend was ugly. Well in the text I had typed Deano and I also lied to him and said that I was meaning it for someone else. He has since been told that it was what I meant to write. . .just not to him. Well on Friday night, my neighbor Mike went out to volleyball with me and called him Deano. Once sober, and three more times when he was drinking. And after each time he did it, he turned to me and said "I just called him Deano and I can't stop myself!!!!" It was hysterical. And we're still not sure if Dean even noticed. Well at least he didn't say anything to me if he did.

-For work today, I rode in a car for 3 hours, had a 2 hour meeting, and rode 3 hours back. I took a nap when I got home. :)

-I also read this guy to avoid work and after watching Chelsea Lately a couple of times, I realize that he looks like and reminds me of Josh Wolf, one of my favorite comedians on her show.

Happy Wednesday!!

This is my confession. . .

Anyone else singing Usher?!?

Yesterday was filled with Bad news. I would like to call it "Bad News Monday" but it was a Tuesday. In the morning, my friend Jeremy emailed me to tell me that an old co-worker of mine passed away. She was maybe 40. And she had 3 kids, ages 9,7, and 5. She had a brain tumor about 4 years ago and was doing fine until about a month a half ago when a bunch of tumors came and just sort of took over her body. Michelle was such a great person. She had moved to Ohio right before I moved, and I lost touch with her. She had been doing well when I had asked about her in November. It's just sad. She and I would always talk about Nip/Tuck and the cute guys that worked in the bank that she would tell me I needed to date! haha!

Then my friend Sarah said they found out what was wrong with her Grandma. She has cancer in her liver, lung, and rib cage. I told her I know a doctor she could call that could get rid of maybe 2 out of 3, but the Doctor said there wasn't anything they could do. They were calling in Hospice yesterday. It's just soo sad to think about. I remember my Grandpa R. It was in June, 3 years ago now, that he passed away from a brain tumor. He was 89 and had lived such a long life, but the tumor spread within a week and he was gone. He was such a character and so full of life, it's weird to think how quickly he went from spry and alive to not being able to move. He's in a better place now, I know, but I still miss him. And I know how hard it is on Sarah being so far away from her Grandma. And it's her last Grandparent. I don't know what I'll do when Gramps goes.

So then after work my Mom calls me to tell me my 2nd cousin passed away at 39 of a heart attack unexpectedly. She had small children as well. I didn't know her very well at all. And I think the last time I saw her I was maybe 4 or 5. I remember her Grandmother, her Mom, and she and her siblings from stories and whatnot, but personally I didn't know them. My heart goes out to her family and friends.

I am also wondering why on earth my posts have been depressing. But right now, I guess death and depression is supposed to be a part of my life at the moment. And maybe it just helps to write about it. Maybe.

But this is not what my confession it is. It's more or less the thing that I read this morning that made me waaaay to happy to be normal.

Zac Efron is going to be on Entourage.

Okay, please try and calm down. I was just like you. I have a crush on someone that is barely of legal age. Wait. . .he might be 21 now. Not sure. Anyway, had I not seen the movie 17 Again, we wouldn't have this problem. He was hot in this movie. H-O-T. HOT. Okay now my heart rate is back to normal just thinking about it. But he's going to be on Entourage which is like one of my favorite shows. I cannot wait!!

On the weird front, which is actually the normal front for me, I had another CIA dream last night. I don't know if it's because I watched approximately 5 minutes of Mr. and Mrs. Smith last night or what. But I was definitely keeping Brad safe from being killed by terrorists or something after Angie was hurt in a helicopter crash and disappeared. I was handed a note she had written before the crash and then had to keep Brad safe. In the dream, I somehow went from being his adopted daughter to protecting him. I think I was pretending to be in high school or college but was actually like 30-years-old which works because I generally get confused for a 19-year-old. It was a very intense dream, and I think that also explains why I am soo tired this morning. Also Brad went from being my "Dad" to being really attracted to me. Which was awkward. But it was probably because I was soo bad ass. Needless to say, my alarm went off when I was getting ready to karate chop some guy that had followed us into the newly built house we were hiding out in. I am thinking that since most of my skills in my CIA dreams are pretty spot on Alias style so we probably escaped. :)

Happy Wednesday!