If I could fire some friends. . . I would. . .

I used to hang out with a lot of guys in college. It was several different groups of guy friends, but there were two groups of guy friends that I was almost inseparable with and still stay in touch with. Well one group in particular: Brad, Matt, Andrew, Jake, Mark B, and Mark J and I used to have pajama parties and whatnot through out college and they still came to visit even after they moved away and I was still in college. When I moved to Iowa, though, our hanging out mostly resorted to football games and weddings.

Well recently I had emailed them about Josie and Mark J emailed me back and said thanks for letting he and his wife know and asked how I was and what I was up to now. I responded that I was doing the same thing and said that I was planning a trip to Madison and would get a hold of him. His response was that they no longer lived in Madison and actually moved to Iowa. The funny part: They live a mile from me. For some reason Kristin and Mark thought I lived in the Quad Cities. The even better part: None of our guy friends even realized where I lived, let alone where they lived, nor made the connection that they send me Christmas cards to near the same place. When I emailed our guy friends to ask why they are retarded I got several replies: "Do I look like Magellan??" & "Once they said Iowa, I quit listening as to where they said they lived. Why do you guys move to Iowa? Merry Christmas Crazy person!" & "I wasn't planning on visiting them nor you, so didn't really matter. I can see corn in IL." Their responses reminded me why I hate them so much sometimes. . . and why I love them at the same time!

Snow days. . .

Wish I got one! Seriously?!? Most all of my friends had a snow day or partial snow day today b/c the weather here is questionable. I would have gladly had a snow day if I didn't have my meeting today AND even after that would have taken a 1/2 snow day if my boss wasn't in town! DARN HIM!!!!

Also, I have that feeling of impending doom in my stomach. I hate that feeling. I can't explain it, but it's just impending doom. I think it's telling me that Dean Cain is in love with someone and it's not me. Which is probably true. I think even the Magic 8 Ball is telling me that!!

That is all. . . .

Guest Post. . on the DL . . .

My cousin, H, and I talk a lot. And well, this email I got from her on Monday with regards to me being gone the day before Thanksgiving was hysterical. So it's my first guest post. Even though technically she didn't realize I would post it! haha!!

Times I thought about you on Wednesday:
7:35 a.m. - Was going to e-mail you to say "What's up!" Remembered you were gone. Was sad. 9:00 a.m. - Couldn't figure out why I had fewer e-mails than usual. Remembered you were gone. Wondered what the hell I am going to do with the rest of my day.
9:20 a.m. - Was in the bathroom and thought my pee smell liked toilet bowl cleaner. Realized it was because there was still toilet bowl cleaner in the bowl. Felt relieved. Wanted to tell you, but you were gone.
9:25 a.m. - Wondering when you and Caleb are going to call me. 9:26 a.m. - Wondering when you are going to update your GD blog? 9:36 a.m. - Wanted to tell you that I asked Layne if I could put Christmas lights up in my office and he said yes so that means by this time Friday Christmas will have thrown up in here too. Seriously I have a garland left over that I'm going to use and I'm going to hang lights and ornaments from my ceiling. It is going to be awesome.
9:39 a.m. - Wanted to tell you that when Jody came out of her room last night and saw that I had made her a stocking she almost cried. It was really sweet.
9:44 a.m. - Seriously, when are you going to update your blog? 9:56 a.m. - Have spent the past 20 minutes or so trying to remember what the name of the town is that your parents moved to. Finally decided to look at the map. I know that Christy lives in Strawn. HAHA, there's a town named Cereal! I totally want to move there and name my kids Captain Crunch and Coco Puffs. But honestly I can't remember. Oh there's a lake down here! Is it Loda? Did your parents move to Loda? If you were here I would ask. But seriously Illinois is awesome. There's a town named Risk. And Foosland. Where they obviously play lots of Foosball. If you were here I'm sure you would appreciate this diatribe.
10:46 a.m. - I'm getting pretty hungry. This is something I would normally tell you, but you're gone. 11:11 a.m. - Wanted to tell you I think my sign looks terrible. By the time I got done filling in the letters on "Marry me" my hand was starting to get really tired so the "LeBron" doesn't look the best and I just scribbled "(Just don't tell my boyfriend)" underneath and I don't think it's big enough and I hope Bill can fix it while I get ready for the game because I don't want to look at it anymore.
11:12 a.m. - I am starving now. 11:42 a.m. - Is it bad that I never turn around and talk to Mini Me when we are talking? I just don't like to look at her.
12:56 p.m. - It is freezing. 1:10 p.m. - Need nap. Immediately. But if I am in a food coma now over a veggie sub my poor body is going to go into complete shock tomorrow. I should have been eating MORE this week to stretch my stomach. Shit.
2:35 p.m. - Me: I'm bored out of my mind. I'm ready to go. You: Me too. Me too. Me: Yeah, but you can go whenever you want. You: True…true... (The conversation we would have had right now. If you were here.) 2:42 p.m. - I thought you and Caleb were going to call me. What happened to that? Hmmm? 2:54 p.m. - I just got off a six-minute phone conversation with you (not Caleb), so that means you called at 2:48, so that means that you called six minutes after I was thinking you should, so that means I have telekinetic powers!
2:59 p.m. - "Oooh, baby do you know what that's worth? Oooh heaven is a place on earth…" I have that stuck in my head. I know you will appreciate it. But oh wait…you're not here.
3:11 p.m. - The knew Alicia Keys songs totally sucks. It makes my eardrums want to pop out. You probably like it, don't you?
3:24 p.m. - Now I have Deck the Halls in my head. Thanks a lot, A. I don't know how it is your fault but I know it must be.

Times I thought about you on Friday: I didn't.

How Do I Love Thee?? Let me count the ways. . .

There are many songs on the radio (or on CD in my car) right now that basically describe how I feel about Dean Cain.

1) Rhianna and Neo's "Hate that I Love You"
2) Colbie Caillett's "Magic" and "Realize"
3) Alicia Key's "No One" (I'm sorry H but the lyrics are what I'm talking about and not the actual song because we've already discussed how the song gets on my nerves a little bit too. Especially when it's play 13,000,000 times a day.)

It probably doesn't help that everyone and their mother keeps asking me "what's up with you two?" or "Can you explain to me why you two aren't dating?" or "Can you tell me how you two don't notice how retarded you are for each other?" I wish I could answer these questions, but I can't. I did decide, well okay, I didn't decide, my friend decided that if I didn't say anything to him before her birthday in February, she would. So. . . I'm thinking that I would finally get enough courage up to say something after my birthday. That's my deadline. That's what I'm giving myself. What prompted the whole deadline was a number of things. One-we keep holding hands in public. Two-we're overly reliant on each other for comfort. Three-we have sleepovers regularly and I do realize that normal friends don't do that. And the fact that said friend last year sometime made a comment that she thought I was just going to get hurt by him and thought I was just a lost puppy. But now she said these last four months she can tell just how close we are and sometimes when she's out with us, we seem to be in our own little world, and it sort of makes her vomit in her mouth just how much we do admire each other. :) She feels that we're both sort of wasting our time if we do want to date each other and keep playing the "not say anything" game. Plus it doesn't help how supportive and there for me he has been this past month. And not to mention in the last month, I met his mom, dad, younger brother, and a best friend.

I met his family inadvertently though. One of his friends died and he was back at home. I was driving through on my way home back to Illinois and called him to see if he wanted to meet for pie. And he said that he didn't drive back home, but I could come there if I wanted to. After going back and forth for like 5 minutes with me saying "Do you want me to come over?" and him saying "If you want to come over you can." I finally just said "DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?" to which he replied, "It would be nice to see you." So I drove to see him at his house to which his mom and brother were at home. Did I mention they both had vehicles he could take to come meet me?? I am trying to not over think this though, but it's tough.

This past month, life in general has been rough on me. Besides having to be super busy and working like a chicken with her head cut off, I got bad news. My good friend Josie, who was diagnosed with breast cancer when I first moved here 3 years ago, found out that her breast cancer that was in remission, had actually spread to her lung, liver, and chest cavity. It's treatable, but not curable. And her lung kept filling up with fluid and collapsing. And then on Friday she had surgery to attach the hole in her lung caused by the cancer nodule, to her rib cage in hopes that her lung would quit collapsing. The part that sucks is not being there for my friend. And the worst part is the inevitable that awaits. I can't imagine life without her. All of my memories of college include her. And every St. Patty's day, I go and stay and hang out with her. So needless to say, I only want to stay positive and not think of the what if. However, my father knowing that I tend to internalize things, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, brought up the fact that I need to at least be aware of the what if in case it happens. And at that point in time, we didn't know if she would be able to be in the wedding of one of our college friends the next weekend. And the sad part was, we were sharing a hotel room and we were in the wedding together. So, around 7ish I have a mini-breakdown and called Dean to see if he would be able to come over and hang out for awhile if he wasn't sleeping. And around 9ish, after he woke up from taking a siesta, he came over to give me a hug. And stayed until 11ish on a Sunday night. I do know this isn't normal "just friends" stuff, but not until after my birthday!!!

So. . . You need a job???

The worst part about firing someone: Finding someone to take their place.

I had about nine interviews and some people were fantastic, which made my decision harder. Then there was the guy who couldn't remember the company name or my name. Needless to say, he was not who I chose. And then after I had it narrowed down to who was qualified, I also had to find someone who would get along with the group. I'm a small office--4 people all the time, 5 every Monday or sporadically during the week, and sometimes once a month, there's 7. So, I needed to find someone who's personality would mesh. And the girl I fired, was a nice person, although she always had a lot of drama and seemed to lie quite frequently, we could all go downstairs and have a drink after work if need be. And towards the end, everyone in the office was getting quite fed up with her always repeating things and really, the all out lies she would tell. (This is also why I didn't really ever call her back or worry about the messages she left. I just don't know what to believe because I think she's definitely making up stuff.) But alas, I finally hired someone and ironically it was the very last girl I interviewed. I had a tough choice because I really liked this one girl, but I wasn't sure if she could handle the guy that works in our office. He takes something to get used to. Anyway, everything went well and I'm thinking, "Great, this just made my decision even harder", she says on the way down the elevator, "When my husband and I were driving by last night he turned to me and said 'Oh that's going to be trouble, working above a brewery.'" So that's when I knew she was the one to hire! haha!

So what also sucked the last month is, having to do two people's jobs and I am not really sure I was doing my job all that well. I did a fantastic job at the job that isn't mine though! The sucky part was all the catching up I had to do instead of actually doing the new caseload that was piling up with the job. It's not been fun to say the least. But I guess that's life. The good thing is that the new person starts in a couple of weeks, so maybe during the first of the year, my job life will get back to normal. . . perhaps. . . :)

And You're Fired. . . officially. . .

So. . . I did it. I fired her. The worst part: I should have fired her back in September, but I tried to be nice. I thought I was helping her out. . . and I was terribly, miserably wrong.

The end of October I gave her an ultimatum: Shape up or you're gone next Friday. The problem: she kept telling me she was shaping up, but really in fact, was doing absolutely NOTHING. NOTHING. She stayed late at work and did. . . NOTHING. WHY?!? So the week ended, and she still hadn't shaped up. I told her I would give her until the next Friday and I had to keep my word. Then on Monday she comes in (late by the way) and is crying hysterically and tells me that she is committing her husband to the psyche ward so she was needing to go to the court house. And the reason was because her husband was telling his daughter that he was going to rape and kill babies. (Sadly, I had heard this story from her before.) She had also found out that he had been smoking embalming fluid. (Smoking Embalming fluid?!? Seriously?!? Why would you do that??And now it might explain why she was losing her mind. . . she probably was doing that too.) Then tells me she talked it over with her Mom and her mom and her agreed that I would give her 2 weeks to get her life back in line and then I can let her go. And I said, "I told you, you have until this Friday. It hasn't changed. (Technically it did. I had to leave to go out of town on Friday early and I didn't really feel like doing it before I left.)

Anyways. . . so she tells me that she has to go to the courthouse and meet her sister-in-law so they can have two signatures to court order him to the psyche ward. She was meeting her at 10. So noon comes and goes, and no call. Natalie goes for a smoke around 4 and sees her sitting on the stoop outside our office. I call her, but no answer. She never even bothered calling all day or coming up to work. Did I also mention how easy it would have been to stop by our office? We're two blocks from the courthouse. So when she comes in the next morning, I asked her why she never called nor stopped in. Then she says that her sister-in-law never met her and that she was at the courthouse all day seeing how they could commit them without her. And then I bring up the fact that she NEVER called nor came up to tell me later in the day when Natalie saw her. She says she didn't have her key card to get up even though she used her key card to get up that morning. I probably should have fired her right then and there because seriously, if you're on thin ice, why would you be that stupid as to not check in?? All the rest of the week she keeps saying she's working late and getting everything done. But isn't in reality. And all week she keeps saying that her husband's father is driving up from Texas to come and get him and take him there. Everyday, it's the same story. So on Thursday on my way from work, I called her and said, that I was going to be nice and give her until next Friday. But it was only because I had to leave early on Friday.

But she didn't last that long. My boss came on Monday and at dinner I told him how I was going to fire her on Friday and he said, "why not do it tomorrow when I'm here?" In fact, he even said he would do it. So we fired her in 10 minutes. Which was the amount of time we had after our meeting and when I had to take him to the airport to catch his flight. My boss made it seem as if we were doing it for her own good and it wasn't really a "firing" as much as it was her needing to sort things out. This however was not the best idea he had.* Well after I dropped him off at the airport and came back from lunch, she was almost all the way packed up (and wreaked of mary jane according to the people in the office). She was technically supposed to stay the whole day to finish up her cases the best she could. And in case you were wondering, this was not accomplished.

*Update: Since the time that she was fired, I have been called quite frequently. First, she called to ask me for a number that she could have looked up in the phone book. The second time was to ask me if I had the letter that I wrote to one of her doctors this summer that she supposedly already gave the doctors two copies of. Then she called to tell me that she checked herself into the psyche ward and that she put me on the visitor's list. Then a couple of days later I got a call to say that she was out of the emergency room. "Emergency room??" I think in my mind. Oh yeah--she was in the emergency room because her sister-in-law beat her up. Then later that night I get a call with her crying that said she had lost the baby and it was because her sister-in-law and some of her friends beat her up and it caused her to lose the baby. I somehow keep missing her phone calls and really the one time I called her back she didn't answer.

And with her work. . . well let's just say she wasn't doing it. And I think was pretty much just making stuff up, so I've had to go back to all of her files even from the last 6 months and finish the ones she said were done. So. . . life's been pretty hectic for me at work. . . to say the least. I don't think I've done my actual job since November 6th.

So Sorry. . .

I was informed recently that I hadn't updated my blog recently. And then when I logged in today, not to update my blog, but to see when my actual last post was, I realized that I had one I hadn't published and that was at the beginning of November. So. . . I'll update you on my life in the last month this weekend. It will be several posts. Or perhaps just one REALLY big one. We'll see. . . We shall see. . .

The Weekend at a Glance. . .

First just let me start out by saying. . . I admit I am in an awkward friendship. I realize that my friendship with said person borders on friends and more than friends/dating this person. I understand this. I've come to terms with this. I just do not have enough guts to say anything to this person or to even bring it up in conversation. In other words, I am the biggest baby and chicken alive. So. . . now that I've cleared the air. . .

The amount of time that Dean Cain and I spent away from each other this last weekend: Approximately 1 hour and 40 minutes. How can I get it this exact you say?? Well he spent the night on Friday night and was kind enough to run my errands with me on Saturday morning before I dropped him off at his car. I remembered looking at the clock when I dropped him off and thought 'I have an hour and 40 minutes to get ready before he'll be back at my house for the wedding.' He stayed again on Saturday night and left Sunday around 7:15pm and that was only because I had to be back over to his house at 7:30 for his roommate's jewelry party. And then when I went downstairs after I ordered my jewelry to tell him goodbye, I sat on his bed and talked another 45 minutes. I don't know why. I really can't think of any topic we hadn't discussed throughout Saturday and Sunday, but whatever. And I know it's not normal for us to cuddle while we sleep (and be all intertwined) and for him to be sleeping in just his boxers. I understand this. I do. And I know it's not normal to wake up and just lay there and talk for a couple of hours. But it's also not normal that he hasn't tried anything on me!! This is the thing that I cannot--for the life of me--figure out.

Anyway, aside from Dean Cain, this weekend really had something big happen. My friend's Jamie and Tim got married!! It was absolutely beautiful. They had a small wedding and a non-alcoholic church reception. Why you say?? Well Jamie and Tim's parents don't drink, so they didn't think it was fair to have a big one. There was still good food and really good wedding cake. I think wedding cake might just be my favorite part about weddings anyway. Oh I mean besides the whole 'getting married' thing. Have no fear people, we, as good friends do, decided to go out to the bars right after the reception to knock a few back. Dean and I wanted a nap and honestly didn't think that we would be out that long. We had talked on our way to the bar that when we left, we would stay in the rest of the night and watch Knocked Up and nap. However, when we got home at 2am, it was decided next time we would take a nap first and then meet our friends back out! haha!! Jamie and Tim did meet us out too, about 2 hours after the reception and pretty much everyone stayed out until around 11pm. We didn't stay at the same bar the whole time though. We did go to one of our favorite spots, in which our favorite bartender, Tommy, gave us free shots and the new bride and groom shirts with the bar name on them. Pretty sweet if you ask me! And going home at 11pm would have been a fantabulous idea, however, it was when everyone left, that Dean got the idea to go meet his friends out at another bar because his other friend was bar tending. This did not bode well for the tired me, but I went anyway. I can say that I did manage to talk him out of one thing: going to the casino. And in the morning he did thank me for that! :)

Awkward Moment #2,087

I look forward to the massage lady coming into work. I can't help it. I needed it especially this week!! But for some reason, she slightly weirds me out. I can't quite put my finger on it either. I think it's because sometimes she accidently grabs my boob. But then again, she's a massage lady so it's bound to happen when working on one's back and reaching around the side. My sister has accidently boob poked me on numerous occasions and we get a good laugh at it. (And my brother-in-law get slightly turned on, but I think that happens on a daily basis.) But on Friday, she sort of made me a little uncomfortable. What do you think??

Examples:

Massage Lady: Ummm. . . I think you'll have to take your shirt off today. It will be easier to work without your undershirt.
(She leaves, and I take off my shirt and bra and call her back in)
Me: Oh that's fine about the shirt. I usually don't take it off for the simple fact, that I am at work. It just sort of strikes me as odd to take my shirt and bra off and then going back up to the office.
ML: Oh. . . I can see that. I guess you could have just undone your bra. That's what some people do. (NOW she tells me!!)

About 10 minutes later. . . .

ML: So, you don't seem that tight. Are you doing anything different??
Me: It could be the Pilates and Bosu classes I'm teaching. I definitely could be stretched out.
ML: Probably. Bosu is that half ball right??
Me: Yep.
ML: Have you ever had sex on the big ball??
Me: (Silence) Umm. . .No. . .
ML: I really want my boyfriend to try it but he won't.
Me: Oh.

So as you can see. . . things that are slightly uncomfortable for me to talk about while partially undressed and having a stranger talk to me while they massage my body.
A) I was kind of getting the feeling she wanted me partially naked.
B) I don't like hearing about stranger's sex lives, let alone while they are massaging me! haha!

Am I wrong???

You're Fired!!

I might have to turn into Donald Trump and fire someone. . . I am not looking forward to this. I've done everything I could to help her out too. And after my mentor/consultant was here this week, she thinks she's on drugs. So do I test for that?? And if so, how do I go about that?

Here's H's suggestions:

1)"Um, [girl I need to fire]...could I maybe borrow a cup of your urine? That would be awesome. Thanks."

2) Or you could take her out to dinner and be like, "I have to go to the bathroom. Wanna come?" And she'll be all like, "What?" And you'll say, "Here, can you pee in this cup for me please and screw the lid on tight?" And she'll be all like, "What?" And you'll say in a hushed voice, "Please don't tell anyone, but I have this fetish where I like to keep people's urine in cups on my dresser. I'm not going to drink it or anything. I just want to look at it. Besides, I was thinking about firing you, but if you do this for me, then I won't." And she'll be hesitant, but she'll pee in the cup, and you'll get to fire her AND she'll think you're a freak for the rest of time.

And then my friend Dan suggested this:
You could also grab a sample of her hair. Bring a brush to work, tell her that her hair looks pretty and ask if you can brush it. When she allows (because who would deny that? it feels way good to get your hair brushed) you can collect multiple samples to be analyzed... and then make a voodoo figure from the leftovers.

If only these things would work!!!

Random Thoughts. . .

Something I need to really think about NOT doing:
I realized I have a problem with waiting to go to the bathroom at work. You see, my office is quite far from the bathroom, so I usually wait until I really have to go before I trek down there. The problem with this?!? Well upon entering the bathroom (which has stalls) I start unbuttoning my pants and walk to the stall. The problem today?!? Someone else was walking out of a stall. And not someone in my office--Someone who just started renting an office on my floor. Can you say AWKWARD?!?

I'm also really sad my college team lost this weekend. I might still be crying. However, I can't remember the game all that well. Things I should also not do: Drink Vodka and OJ on an empty stomach at 9am. It's just a thought, but it contributed to my fuzziness during the game. And apparently I was swearing like a sailor. Oops!! Matt didn't even know I cussed! haha!! Sorry kids near me!! My Dad said Illinois had a flawless game against Wisconsin. Then they became ranked and got beat by Iowa at Iowa City. The only IL game I can go to all year and they play crappy! NOT FAIR!! On the bright side, Dean Cain met me out at my tailgate and in the process was hanging out with me and NOT hanging out with his sister who kept calling him. He kept telling her I'll be there in a little bit. I feel bad since I can see him whenever, but still!! I kind of wanted to meet his sister as well. I should have volunteered to go over there with him! And I would have, if I could have guaranteed to get back to the game!!

I'm officially in a 7th Grade relationship. . .perhaps. . .

This past weekend was my friend Jamie and Tim's Dual Bachelor/Bachelorette Party. We started out at the hotel together and then the guys and girls separated and then met back up again at the end of the night. I really think this idea worked out better. It originally was supposed to be all the guys and girls on a party bus together going around to all of our favorite establishments. Well then Friday at 11am Jamie emails me and says, the bus broke down and she was in a panic. Well my other friend and I called around to find another bus (which were ridiculously expensive) and then came up with an entirely different plan. The hotel we were staying at was pretty close to downtown, so we could just walk and do a bar crawl. No harm, no foul. And then also this way we didn't have to hang out with the guys!!

This plan would have worked out perfectly except that Jamie really has a hard time not hanging out with Tim. Especially the more she drinks. So basically by the end of the night I was having to call Dean Cain to find out where they were at because Jamie ran away from us at the bar to find Tim at her own. To which he told me where they were at but if anyone asked, it was a lucky guess! haha!! So after the 2nd time of Jamie running away from us, I called Dean again and asked where they were and see if I could talk to Tim. So then the guys and girls met up earlier than they would have liked but oh well. It was all good. Anyway, while at the bar, Dean decides to hold my hand. Which of course, in my drunken state, I didn't even flinch. And then we held hands the entire 10 blocks to the hotel, in the elevator, and then back to the hotel room. I would like to say, at this point in time, he kissed me or something, but no. He passed out and then I passed out. And apparently we passed out holding hands. haha!! Jamie said the amount of adorableness that we were was just too much.

On Sunday he came over and I made him his birthday dinner a week earlier than the actual day. I had other cute birthday ideas since he had mentioned his birthday to me like 8 times but they all bordered on girlfriendly. So since we're just weird, I kept it at making dinner. Then yesterday, he called me to see if I could pick him up from his eye doctor appointment because they had said something about him having to be dilated. Well, when I get there, he's looking at glasses and I notice his eyes aren't dilated at all. And when I ask him if he got his eyes dilated, he said that he didn't know that when he got there they now have this thing that takes a picture of the eye and can check for all that stuff now. But he didn't call me when he got out because he wanted me to help him pick out his glasses. And then after he picked out the ones I liked, he asked if I wanted to go to lunch. And seeing as it was 2pm, I had already eaten but asked if he wanted me to sit there while he did. To which he replied yes. So I sat with him and had an iced tea while he ate.

I do realize this isn't normal "just friends" behavior. And I know I need to get the courage up to say something, I just need to figure out how!

Do I hear Wedding Bells?!? Yes. . just not mine. . .

Last weekend I had yet another wedding. “Wedding, you say, A?? Isn’t this like your gazillion wedding this year?” To which I would have to reply, “Yes, but you’re exaggerating a little. It’s only my 1,002 wedding this year.” To which you laugh and then I say, “No silly, it’s only my 9th wedding and I only have 2 more left.”

Even though I had to drive home back to back weekends, I had to go. This one was my best guy friend from high school’s wedding. It was so weird to see him getting married too! It’s not like Buck* just married some girl he met a year ago. He married a girl that he first dated in 8th grade (she was in 7th) and then subsequently dated on and off in high school. He’s officially been dating her since the spring of our senior year in high school. And it’s weird because over the years, Buck and I have discussed whether or not they would be getting married. And when he and I got some alone time last St. Patty’s Day when I visited, he said that it was weird to be engaged now. But it finally clicked that she was the one that he couldn’t live without. I remember looking at him and then pushing him and giving him a hug! It’s not like him to be so sappy!

It’s always strange to see people from high school (or from back home for that matter) that you haven’t seen in awhile or haven’t seen since the last major holiday. I hadn’t seen some of my friends from high school since Thanksgiving because I wasn’t around at Christmas. And well, as I’ve mentioned in this blog before, I’m 40 lbs lighter since last November and I’ve lost 30+ inches since then. So, from the last time they all saw me, I look pretty darn good! It’s really a great feeling too! I’m hoping though when they see me again in a couple of months, I will have lost more weight and gone down a couple of sizes. We’ll see. And I think I should figure out how to label these things and then I can keep track of how often I mention my weight loss! haha! (The funny part--it's not like I'm a size 4 or something now either. I'm just back to where I was when I moved to this great state! haha!!)

Anyways, whenever I'm around my friends from high school, I always start to miss them. I think it's because we start to reminisce about the old times when we were basically still pure and the world was our oyster. We hadn't a care in the world except for getting through to graduate high school. And I remember how when we were getting ready to go off into the world and we all said that we'd keep in touch. I now maybe keep in touch with like 10-15 people I used to hang out with all the time. I keep in touch with the ones I want to keep in touch with. And I guess there are some people from high school that I wish I hadn't grown apart from, but I guess such is life. There again are numerous funny moments in the night such as Luke telling his mom about our Wild Turkey night the summer after our first year of college. Luke had this wonderful idea to go shot for shot and chase them down with the Malibu Rum and OJ that we were drinking. Then both of us being extremely drunk and him waking up at home not remembering where he was at. Thanks for telling your mom that one Luke! My mom was home that night and I remember puking in the morning and my mom saying how she was glad I learned a valuable lesson. Where was she when Luke suggested the Wild Turkey?!? Huh?!? Or how we were telling one of our other friend's moms how sometimes our senior year we would drink at my parents house and would only try the vodka and rum because we knew we could fill that back up with water and my parents wouldn't know. And then she made the comment how my dad always used to tell her how I didn't drink, never been kissed, and boys were a back burner to my studying. Then we remembered the 4th of July when she played Thumper with us! Oooh memories. . .

And then things got sort of philosophical at the end. One part of the talk made me ponder a number of things the entire 5 hour drive home. One of my guy friends said, "No matter what you do in life, in this town we grew up in you were the golden child. Every parent loved you. Every parent knew that if their kid was hanging out with you, then their kid was safe. Yeah, we may have done some things that were inappropriate, but they were pretty tame. I always got in trouble when I wasn't hanging out with you. But you know what?!? So you didn't become a doctor. Your heart has always been huge. You've always been a caring individual. I know that I miss you a ton. It doesn't matter what you become in life. It's what life becomes in you. Don't let the material things in life define who you are as a person. You're still that great, caring, lovable person you've always been. And you make people want to stand up and become better people themselves." And then I think he kept talking about other things which I cannot remember but it just made me ponder if I'm really the person he thinks I am?? I would like to say that yes I am. But I think he also left out the part that I'm a big wuss when it comes to things involving me. And then I thought about how this was also coming from the same guy who tried to kiss me on the lips and I had to do the head turn thing when I first saw him at the reception. He also yelled at me at the reception for not coming up and saying hi sooner and I had to remind him that he was a little busy being. . . I don't know. . . THE BEST MAN. So. . . it's really anyone's guess if his thought process is 100% accurate.

The other funny thing I noticed is that even after someone moves far away and you only see each other once or twice a year at the most, your over protective guy friends will always be your over protective guy friends. I had completely forgotten to get a hotel room for that weekend. The thought didn't even cross my mind because for Wyatt's all my friends were offering for me to stay with them in town. Well this weekend, no one lived in the town of the wedding, and my two girlfriends and their boyfriends were staying with their parents. So, either I would take this opportunity to not drink at the wedding, or I would call the one person I knew who lived in town and stay with him and his wife. I should state that this one person would also be the former love of my life. After the reception was finished, the party moved to the hotel bar and I called my friend to tell him that I was calling a cab and on my way. Well, I called a cab to no avail and at 12:30 he called me back and said that he would just come get me. So when he gets there, what do the 4 guy friends of mine and my friend Steph's dad do?? Introduce themselves and play a good 20 questions in under 5 minutes with him! I remember saying specifically, I'm staying with my friend and his wife. Yet, there they went being all over protective! It definitely made my former crack up! And in general, it was just nice to be able to hang out with them awhile.

I think that's it for my wedding adventures for now. I have another wedding in two weeks and then am in one the weekend of Thanksgiving. I think then I'm done for the year! I really don't think I have that many friends left who aren't married!!!

I finally understand! Well kind of. . .maybe. . .I think. . .

I realized after all my years of being 'one of the guys' that I don't understand them. Mainly when it comes to guys dealing with me. I am told by my sister and a lot of my friends, that I have this keen ability to see clearly both sides of an issue and then have the ability to offer insight into both. Except of course, when it comes to matters that involve me. Then I just seem to think the worst or nothing at all.

I've read the book He's Just Not That Into You and realized that just perhaps I let some great guys go because I thought they weren't into me when they actually were. Or held on to guys that I shouldn't have. Or perhaps my biggest thing: making guys my friends instantly as opposed to being open to a relationship. I don't know why I do this. I try not to. But apparently, even people that haven't known me for eons are starting to notice this.

Take for instance last night. There's this guy who I think I've referred to as Kickball guy. And he called me when he got off work and invited me to his house for dinner. Which seeing as we haven't known each other that long could be construed as a date. However, it wasn't just he and I. It was him, his new roommate, one of their best girl friends who also happens to be married to one of their best friends, and me. I should also state, all three of these people minus me have known each other since middle school. So I don't consider this a legitimate date, but then I am told by some people well, he invited you over to his house to hang out with people that he obviously doesn't need extra company to hang out with. And while H did say she'd give me that it wasn't a date, she did say that I would have to admit it was a "I definitely want to be more than friends with you" dinner. I can perhaps give her that. Maybe.

But then that leaves me at other moments of pondering. Are these other 'hanging outings' quasi dates, or are they "I definitely want to be more than friends with you" dinners? I mean where do you draw the line between friends and wanting to be more than friends or wanting to get to know someone as more than friends? I don't know. It's the same thing as what happened on Saturday. Dean Cain ran into my friends on Saturday night while I was back at Wyatt's wedding yet I had a missed call on Saturday night from him wondering where I was at. I called him back of course and while on the phone Wyatt's friend Zach yelled "Quit messing with her!!" And while Zach was only yelling that because he wanted me to go the bar, it was rather entertaining because he didn't know the importance of his statement with regards to who I was even talking to. But then I can't figure out, why not ask my friends where I'm at? They would know. And the thing that ponders me the most is: Why are guys so confusing? And is it me that makes them more confusing??

Good Times, Even Better Memories. . .

My best guy friend* Wyatt got married this past weekend. I can't describe the joy I felt in this moment. I was utterly so happy. I love his wife Kendra. (In a strictly platonic way, of course!) I will admit, when they first got together, I wasn't exactly thrilled. I had only met Kendra a handful of times and at the time, she was dating a guy I worked and hung out with who wasn't known for his good choice in ladies. I automatically assumed Kendra fit into this type of woman, so when Wyatt said that he was going on a date with her, my first thought was that he could do so much better. He is, after all, my best guy friend.
And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I was jealous that I was no longer #1 in Wyatt's life. But you see, Wyatt and I would not classify as Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney in My Best Friend's Wedding. We would have literally killed one another had we dated. And many people over the years have asked why Wyatt and I never got together, and I guess the simple fact remains, had we gotten together, we wouldn't have been friends. He's the one guy friend I call when I have guy problems because he tells it like it is. And he often tells me just how wonderful and attractive I am which also helps. I don't necessarily believe him when he tells me I'm hot, but it's the thought that counts. And Wyatt and I do get along like a couple. We finish each other's sentences, read each other's minds, and think alike. We also always have to be right, which is hard in a relationship when one person, mainly myself, usually is.
The moment I got to know Kendra, I liked her. She wasn't the person that I thought she was at all. She is a very sweet and caring individual. Plus she didn't care that Wyatt and I talked (and still talk) all the time. She didn't care if Wyatt and I had Wyatt and A time. She wasn't a jealous girlfriend like his last one. Who liked me and who enjoyed hanging out with me one on one ,but did not like Wyatt hanging out with me by himself. Plus Kendra was fun to hang out with on her own. I think that's a true test of girlfriends for your guy friends. If they can (and will) hang out with the other girl in their life they are keepers. Anyways, their wedding day just made me happy.

Also the wedding day was a great time for me getting to hang out with my friends and Wyatt's friends who I used to hang out with all the time. And who I may or may not have randomly kissed at some point in time. Those are always good memories. And as we all sat around talking and catching up I realized, I have a lot of blackmail type things on Wyatt. For only knowing him for 7 years, I had a lot of things on him. We had become instant friends when we worked together. I was around for a lot of "Oops" times. And I was around for a lot of his friends' "oops" times. And sometimes, I was involved in the "oops" times.

My next post will have to be the funny things that happened on that day. But today, I'm just reflecting on the memories. . .


*I know I may say my best guy friend to describe an array of guy friends but I think I rank them in terms of a top 10 or top 5. This way it can be 'best guy friend from high school' or 'best guy friend from college' whatnot. Wyatt's in my top 10 friends, let alone in the top 5 of guy friends. And seeing as I met him at the end of my senior year of college, I can't really attach him to anything besides guy friend and that's all.

Ahhh Memories. . .

Reading how Flenker of TPOL fame is moving and now has officially moved to Austin, it brought
back memories of me moving here. On Sept 7, it has been 3 years! It seems like yesterday! I remember slightly crying as I said goodbye. And right when I got out on the Interstate, I heard the Kelly Clarkson song "Break Away" and started singing it and crying at the top of my lungs.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye. I gotta take a risk. Take a chance. Make a change. And breakaway. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget the place I come from. I gotta take a risk. Take a chance. Make a change. And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway.

Everytime I hear that song, I think of that day. And how scared I was. And I remember pulling into the apartment complex and walking up the stairs and Emily had put a sign on the door that said "Welcome A" It made my day.

And now I'm cheating a little bit but here is one of the first emails I sent from here. I've deleted certain things of course!!

Hey everyone!! Sorry to do the whole mass email thing, but it was recently brought to my attention from a few concerned folks that were worried that [my new state] was indeed a black hole and had swallowed me up. I guess I forgot to let some people know that I have made it alive and that [My new state] did not in fact kill me. So the mass email is so I don't forget anyone, and probably some of you might just not care anyway. . . but tough!!! And for those of you who didn't know I was even moving. . . I moved.

It was quite hectic and all before I moved considering I stayed and worked 2 weeks longer than I had liked plus also being homeless for about a month. I wasn't actually homeless I stayed with my buddies and old roommates Sarah and Meredith for about three weeks. I miss them so much now!!! Sniff, sniff. . . I'll try and control myself. . . Anyways here's just a little brief update on me...

I moved out here the week after Labor Day to live with a friend of the family (Emily). She and I were supposed to be roomies the entire year, but she got engaged in May and is getting married in December. Which sucks, but I guess I will survive. Her lease is up in her apartment in two weeks, so at the end of next week I am moving in with my cousin's wife's cousin. Confusing?!? She seems really nice and has a good heart, but she seems to tell me stories of guys she's dated and then they have some huge falling out and don't speak anymore. Which sort of leads me to believe she may be one of those stalker types. . . and thinks every guy is in love with her. She does know a TON of people so I'm hoping I can steal some of her friends! ;) I've gone out a couple of times with her and I'm sure to state that I know her because our cousins married one another. I really want people to give me a chance and not think I'm psychotic right off the bat and all. I really think that's something people should find out by themselves like you all have. I'm still hoping that the girl from the temp agency decides to move out of her parents house and be my roomie.
Oh temp agency you're wondering. . .Well the fourth day I was here I was at the library and asked this woman a question about where something in [my city] and we started talking and I told her my story about just moving here, and the girl across from us overheard and said she worked at [this agency] which is a temp agency. Well I went and applied on Wednesday and they had a job for me that Friday!!! Also on that Wednesday I went and applied for a job at the SuperTarget Starbucks and left with one that day too!!! Target was the only place I knew how to get to my first couple of weeks here. So basically I did temp work and worked at Starbucks for the first month. I was hoping to meet some people working at Starbucks, but at night I only work with junior and senior high school girls. I guess I could buy them alcohol or something. Great, then I'd be that creepy old girl who buys them alcohol. . .

Anyways, as luck would have it, I started a full time job last Wednesday at [my now current job]. You can look it up on the web if you would like. We review cases of children birth to 18 years that are in and out of custody and determine if their case has merit enough to receive money from the Federal SSN Office. This is judged on physical and/or mental disorders. Now the first question you might be asking is can't you just pretend you have mental disorders, and the answer is one probably could, but seeing as itmust be documented by a psychiatrist and reviewed every 6 months, I think the act would have to bepretty good. Where do I fit in to all this? Well, I am the one who reviews the cases and calls the doctors, case workers, foster care providers and see if the claim has merit. It's actually not too bad thus far. I just feel so horrible for some of these children though. There are quite a few sick adults/parents out there for sure. I actually feel I am doing something good for humanity with this job. Some of the cases though aren't children being abused, but the parents being abused by their children and the kids are taken out of the home. I definitely have some stories... anyway, hopefully my time there will be done in August so I can start Osteopathic School next September. I think that's about it. . . I haven't made any new friends really. Which is sad. How can I possibly replace the friends I've made?!? And in case any of you were wondering is 4.5 hours away from most of you, so if you would like to take a long road trip, I would love that!!! Emily works nights and on the weekends goes home to plan the wedding, so pretty much every weekend I go to my grandpas and hang out with them, my aunts, and uncles. Which I guess sounds pretty pathetic, but it is the first time in my life that I have been this close to them (an hour and a half), so I am taking full advantage. My aunt said that after I move in with [douche bag, psychotic ex roommate] I am only allowed to make friends with people my own age. I promise my life really isn't that hopeless right now. I'm settling fine. I've only been here a little over a month. . .
I guess I do have to take that back about the friends. I did make a new one on Sunday night. . . She's 70 and I met her at Starbucks. I know my aunt told me to start making friends my own age, but this was one neat 70 year-old. She actually told me I was her new best friend and is only going to come in when I am working. She actually just moved here two years ago and lives with her son and his family, so she said she knows exactly how I feel about not having friends. . . Well I guess that's it with the depressing, sob story about my life. (I'm really not all that depressed about it by the way...) I hope everyone is doing well. Feel free to drop me a line. I'll have time to read it!! ;)

It's weird how much life has changed since then. I've lost a grandpa since then. I cherish absolutely every moment I got to spend with him too. I'm not sure, but I think maybe God had something else in store for me. I didn't go back to school, but maybe I'm not supposed to yet. We'll see. We'll see. . . .

Why my Friends ROCK!

This past weekend I went over to my friend's house to watch a big rivalry college football game. These are also all the people I went out with when Boatman was in town. When I get there, I do make the announcement that I hope no one is too upset that they won't be seeing Boatman around anymore. To which Tim replies, "He was kind of a douche. And I didn't like him all that much. Plus you need someone much cooler. And outgoing. And quite frankly, you're a hottie and he's not. He's not even remotely cute. You can get someone much cuter. Plus later on in the evening I kind of just wanted to punch him in the face for being such a weirdo." This is why I LOVE Tim. Plus Tim had already pretty much told me this minus the said punching plan on Sunday when I called him and Jamie to tell them what happened after we got home.

During halftime, Robb and I went to get more gas for the grill and Robb says to me, "I know we're not that great of friends yet and all, but that guy last weekend, I didn't like him the moment I saw him. He didn't go out of his way to say hi or get to know us. And he should have especially if you're trying to date some girl. He just sat there all not talking and being kind of creepy. You can do a lot better. Whatever happened to that other guy I met who was really cool. The one that came to Jamie and Tim's that one night. I really liked him. " Thanks for bringing up Dean Cain, Robb! The one person I'm wanting to try and move on from since he can't seem to move on from his ex right now. Oh and who I haven't hung out with just the two of us since August 5th. THANKS!

Then as the boys were grilling, Christine brings up the fact that I just seemed a lot more perky and outgoing than Boatman. He was just not like that at all. Then Jamie says something about how my aura is huge and his is tiny and that just doesn't work out. And then Dean Cain is brought up again about being almost near perfect for me. Then later on Tim says something about how he just has this kind of feeling that Dean Cain and I are going to be getting married, but Dean just doesn't realize it yet. I think I need to make a memo to my friends on subjects not to bring up when I'm drinking. :)

The funny thing was then last night my neighbor (who also ate lunch with us that Saturday with Boatman) says she's happy I didn't settle because Boatman was just lame. Lame. I love it!!

At least I know I made a good judgement call on not giving that one a third shot. And I'm happy with that!!!

Yeah. . . My niceness has kicked me in the arse. . . Part Two

Boatman came, he saw, he left very sad and probably cussing me out all the way home. . . and I feel absolutely horrible about it!!

I think what started to first annoy me was the fact that as he was driving he started making fun of the state I live in. Don't do that. I grew up in the state you are coming from I know why it has a lot more to offer, but it also has the 3rd largest city in the US, so it's going to have more things. Then he texted me to see if I was going to take him to the Beverage.* I wasn't sure what exactly he meant so I said "Beverage*?? And no. It sucks. It's for young girls who like to dress slutty except on Fridays for happy hour. " And he said one of the guys he works with was talking about it. This should have been a clue. You see, Beverage* was my ex douche bag, psychotic roommate's favorite bar. So I told him, my friends are out a some different places, so we'll see when you get here. (On a side note, like right after his text, I got a text from some friends to come up to Beverage* for Happy Hour. And I did. HAHA!! You can't beat free food and 1/2 price drinks people!) Anyway, I might have had like 3 double rum and diets while there and ate some food. So by the time I get home, I'm sleepy and need to clean. After I clean (not very well mind you b/c I had been drinking), I decide to lay on the couch and watch TV in which I became very sleepy. Then when he finally gets here at 10:30, and I'm tired and really don't want to do anything. I was lucky that he didn't want to do anything either!! Friday night I did get out of having to sleep in the same bed with him seeing as he snores. . . and really I can't sleep when that happens! haha!!

So Saturday morning the day started off with us going to go to the the Farmer's Market. But you know what?? He's never heard of a Farmer's Market and apparently they don't have them in Chicagoland. Yeah. . . Pretty sure they do. And I found out he doesn't eat breakfast. I could eat breakfast for every meal of the day. Literally. He did enjoy the Farmer's Market though which was good. We went to one of my favorite places that also happens to be a bar that serves really good food and sat outside. This, however, was a sneaky plan on my part because A) my friend Jamie met us out and B) we started drinking at 2pm. So then around 3:30 my other friends Jamie and Tim met us out and then we just basically kept drinking until about 12 or 1am. I was not near as drunk as everyone else seeing as I paced myself the entire day/night so I could drive and be on the best defense. :) But really basically the jist of Saturday was that this man made fun of the state I lived in, yet I found out did not even experience the things that made the city he lives near so great. So why on earth are you mocking my city??? It just really upset me. Plus the fact that he seems to live in his own little bubble and chooses not to experience life.

Anyway, Saturday night we get home and decide to finish watching the movie we started on Friday night, House of Wax. Now, the only thing that made this movie great was that Paris Hilton dies. The woman cannot act to save her life, and I'm actually very sad that she wasn't the first person to die. Anyways, so please picture with me if you will, two people sitting and watching a horror movie on the couch. Then he turns to me and says, "so you want to kiss?" Now a number of things are running through my head at this point.

1) I've really been dreading this all night and have been trying to figure out what to say in case this moment came up.

2) He's a horrible kisser. I remember this from the last time which I have regretted ever since.

3) This is probably the perfect moment for me to tell him that he annoys me and I'm not the least bit attracted to him.

4) What kind of line is that anyway?!? I mean I could see if we were watching something funny and something like that came up on the TV or somethhing. And it was like the perfect moment to say a cheesy line such as that. But no. We're watching a horror movie (a slightly cheesy one but still) and in the middle of someone's death scene you ask me that?!?

It is at this point in time that I tell him it wouldn't be a good idea. When he asks why I simply state that I would hate to do anything with you because I don't want to lead you on. And when he asks what do you mean I simply state that I told you that I didn't think I wanted a long distance relationship and I'm pretty sure now that I don't. And then after discussing things over and over again he keeps telling me that having someone live close is ideal. IDEAL to have someone live like an hour and a half away. Right then I realize he doesn't use common sense or judgement and that reality is not a world he sometimes lives in. So I still chicken out of course and never say it's really him except I do add in there that he's not one to change persay and that would be a problem with the whole distance thing.

And I did tell him in an email 2 weeks before he came that I wasn't sure how I felt and I didn't think I wanted a long distance relationship. So he should have had some inkling. Well he says he knew this was going to happen anyway yet he still came here to see me. And as he's telling me he doesn't want to be my friend "because he has enough friends" he basically says that he knew the minute I sat down by him on the couch at the hotel after the reception that we just clicked and that he could tell how wonderul and great I was. I, of course, respond with a thank you. And he says, "Didn't you feel it?? It was so strong!" To which I reply, "No. I wasn't feeling much of anything to be honest. I had just been molested/groped by my friend's husband, so that's pretty much what I was feeling." (I do realize I may or may not be going to hell. But it was the truth.) To which he replies, "So the only reason you sat by me on the couch was to get away from your friend's husband?" Me: "Yes." He then tells me that he thought we had something great and that since he has enough friends I was more someone he was looking to marry. We've known eachother for maybe 2 months, hung out twice (3 times if you count the 20 minutes sitting by him on the couch) and he thought he was going to marry me and we weren't even dating. That's just nuts!!!

Basically he then turns into a complete baby about everything which I can kind of see because he probably drove all the way here to get some from me. (No one should expect that though!)But seriously, when someone sends you an email telling you, they're not sure how they feel and you respond that you feel the same way, shouldn't you at least have an inkling?? He acts as though my response came out of nowhere. So as I am somewhat honest and say I wasn't sure. . . He's completely sure he wants to marry me. This is not the same thing. He should have known.

I still feel bad about it. Almost. I know I should have told him before he drove all this way, yes, but I did honestly think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, perhaps something would happen. But really what happened was that he annoyed me completely and I found him to be a spoiled brat and a big baby. And I still felt no attraction towards him. I guess it's a learning experience for the future. And I can pretty much tell my mom "I told you so" which is always nice.

So now back to the dating game. . . .

*This name has been changed to pretty much try and protect my whereabouts in case someone stumbles across this and realizes I am actually talking about them. I do know at the moment the 4 people who read this blog, know who I am and where I live, but you never know when celebrity might strike!

Yeah. . . my niceness finally has kicked me in the arse. Part One.

So. . . Boatman is coming this weekend. Can you tell how excited I am about this?!? No?!? Oh that's right. I'm not. And I have no idea why I agreed to it in the first place. And first thing this morning I get an email (right when I think I am going to write him an email reiterating that I don't know how I feel about him in hopes that would change his mind from coming) that says "How are you doing today? I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend."

Okay I do know how I feel about him--I don't feel about him. No spark, no chemistry, just annoyance. That's what that is. And how can you write an email reiterating you don't know how you feel when someone tells you how much they look forward to seeing you? You can't. It's mean either way. JUST MEAN.

And then later I get an email saying that I never commented on his second comment. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I needed to.

I just hope I don't kill him this weekend.

My Apologies. . .

I realized apparently yesterday after I calmed down a bit, I might over exaggerate things. And I very often have the feeling that everyone is conspiring against me. Why you may ask?? I don't know why. If I knew why, I don't think the conspiring theory would come on a monthly basis in my life. Recently I think I have the feeling more and more and perhaps it's because my "friend" blatantly attacked my character for no apparent reason, I don't know. The truth be told, I've never had confidence. Even though as my "friend" said that I have this new confidence and whatnot with me losing all the weight and getting my haircut. Umm. . . technically my weight is where I started when I first moved to this great state 3 years ago. :) It could be because I was always the chubby child and my sister never was. My sister was always the pretty, skinny one that all the guys flocked to. I was the chubby, funny kid that was always the friend. I mean, looking back now--as you can tell from the picture at the right--I was pretty sexy and cannot figure out, why no one flocked to me! Which is always ironic looking back too because I never got picked on for being the chubby kid and my sister got picked on all the time. I had a good group of friends in grade school and her friends seemed caddy and mean.

So I don't know why I freak out on certain things and apparently can't let certain other things ago. I think I'm waiting for an apology still from said "friend" and that's why I'm still so bitter about it. So H, I'm sorry I had to go all crazy on you yesterday about my conspiring theories. I love that you listen to them and probably laugh hysterically with Bill about them later! :)

Recent Annoyances

Boatman is driving me crazy. I guess that I feel emails are a very valid form of communication. I mean that was the whole idea of emails--To communicate faster and all, right?!? And I guess I feel if I am having a busy weekend and someone knows that I am having a busy weekend and I don't talk to you, it's probably because I am having a busy weekend, right?!? So why, WHY do you insist on two weekends in a row when you know full well that A) I am going to be busy this weekend and B) Since I will be busy, I probably won't be talking to you, do you call and/or text me??? And then this past weekend send me guilt texts about not calling you and how you want a call from me. This dear people is annoying. For starters, we're NOT dating. And Secondly, I DON'T HAVE SPARKS/CHEMISTRY WITH YOU!! It just really makes me want to drive the 5+ hours and smack him in the head and drive back.

I have a problem . . .

I keep finding myself rocking out in my car to 80s music. But not your normal Rock out 80s music like Prince or Michael Jackson before he got weird, I'm talking Don Henley sappy love songs and Corey Heart's "Never Surrender." It's a problem. I mean the other day it was Richard Marx and now it's turned into other 80s sappy love songs.

If you know of any support groups let me know. Thanks!

-A

Things that make me smile. . .

I played in this kickball tournament a couple of weeks ago. (And yes I said Kickball. I actually even play in a kickball league that will be starting up again in the next couple of weeks.) I played with a couple of people that I didn't know but everyone else had played on the kickball team and league last fall. Well one of the guys on the team the Tuesday after the tourney called me after getting my number off of Facebook and in his message said, he wasn't stalking me but noticed that I had my number on there and thought he'd call me to see if I wanted to do something. He ended up coming over and we went for a walk. Then last week he called to see if I wanted to go out to dinner but I couldn't because I was with my boss already. Then today in an email I was telling him how a story came up about my sister that I was just telling him and it came up again with all my cousins and I was telling everyone that I had just told someone that story. He emailed me back and said "So I'm just a 'somebody'. I can't believe I don't even get a name in the stories you tell your family. I'm just kidding... I would have said the same thing." How cute is that?!?

Happy is as Happy does. . .

My cousin Brian got married this past weekend. I really don't think I've ever seen Brian as emotional as I saw him that day. But it wasn't that sad emotional it was that happy emotional. It was the "this is the happiest I've ever been" happy emotional. I'm so happy for him. And I hope (and pray) that someday I will be that happy. Congrats Brian and Luba!!!

Yep, that's me. I'm pretty much a BIG Dork. . .

So. . . Dean Cain is on vacation this week. Which in a way is good because it really makes me think less about him. Mainly because I know he's on vacation with his family up in the boondocks so I don't have to sit around worrying why isn't he calling me. Which don't worry I'm not actually sitting around waiting for him to call, I'm metaphorically sitting around waiting and wondering why he hasn't called. . . :) And I know we are just friends, but friends with a weird relationship nonetheless. But lately, mainly after church on Sunday, I realized that he's the one I have a spark with. WHICH I HATE. However, there is a guy I have great chemistry with who did call me on Tuesday to see if I wanted to go out to dinner. I couldn't though because I was already out with my one boss. No spark, but some definite chemistry.

Anyways, I think God is trying to speak to me through musical lyrics. The radio station I listen to is known for never really playing the same music two days in a row unless it's the popular stuff, and then I only hear it once MAYBE twice a day. Well anyway, the moment I got back and was contemplating my stuff with Boatman the Colbie Calliet song, Bubbly came on and I realized that's what I want to feel and I just don't feel that with Boatman. So two days ago, my favorite U2 Song came on, With or Without You, and I was just slowly jamming to it at my desk. Then yesterday, it came on again. And then today as I had a moment where something happened and I knew it was something Dean would appreciate, the song came on the radio. And I was like, is this just shear coincidence, or is it God telling me that when Dean gets back from his vacation, perhaps you should just tell him how you feel?

Now this to any other person would probably be it's a coincidence of songs three days in a row. And I, too, would normally think this, but this is my movie montage song. And by movie montage song, I mean if my life were made into a movie this is the song that would be playing in it. Specifically it would play just as I realized that I was in love with my best guy friend and he was moving clear across the country after telling our friends that he was in love with me but that I obviously wasn't in love with him, so he had to move on and move away. And as I'm running after his taxi that just left his apartment (up a hill no less), I finally give up and admit defeat, and walk slowly back down the hill. Then I hear "Hey idiot, Why are you running after an empty taxi??" and it's him. And I start babbling and saying how I thought it was him and how I realized I was in love with him and then we romantically embrace. AND scene. :) I've only told dear friends about my movie montage songs. Mainly because I think it's one of my quirks, but also because they might steal it and actually make a movie about it. I know when writing this in cyberspace I should worry, but only maybe three people read this and I'm related to them all, so no worries here. :)

Anyway, one Saturday I was over at Dean's and he was telling me how he was playing tennis and soccer by himself working on his skills. Then he says, "This may sound weird but do you ever think that sometimes your life should have a narrator or something. That there's that voice saying, 'Look at Dean's skill with the soccer ball. Or look at Dean making toast.' Or something like that." And I believe I must have gave him that strange, 'I think I'm falling in love with you' look because he then says, "That's really weird, huh." I tell him it's not that weird and he asks if I ever think that stuff. And I whip out the movie montage songs. And I directly tell him I have a specific example but it might just weird him out but he wants to hear it anyway. So I tell him. And he still talks to me people He STILL talks to me. :)

So what's weird is that I have never told any guy the movie montage theory besides my bgf. He's the only one mainly because girl's don't seem to think it's as weird as guys would. And what's even weirder is that I've heard that song, every day he's been gone. EVERY DAY. I talked to him on his way Monday night. So everyday I haven't talked to him, I've heard the song that reminds me of him. It's rather creepy honestly. And in my overthinkingness, I have pretty much determined that I'm a big dork!

Great at being quick is NOT my specialty. . .

So last night I took my bosses to the state fair. . . which also happens to be the 2nd most fun place in the United States to go behind Las Vegas. . . thank you. . . thankyouverymuch. . .

I did not have near as much fun at the fair last night as I had in times past however. For one, it was HOT and HUMID. I capitalize so you know it just wasn't the normal hot and humid. You sweated just standing still. And it was after 6pm at night and with complete cloud cover. Ridiculous I say. RIDICULOUS!! The other reason could be because I was with my bosses. One I enjoy hanging out with most of the time. The other says things that make me really question him as a human being, and I wonder if he even has a soul. Why do I continue to work for him?? I only see him once a month and sometimes not at all. And after a couple of comments he made last night, I'm really starting to even question that.

Anyway, as we made our way after we got some beer and listened to live music, we were cutting through to go see the butter cow and all of a sudden this cop and like an entourage of black SUVs come up behind us. Now if I was thinking like a normal person, I would have thought, "perhaps I should get my camera out and take a picture because this is likely someone important." However, I just stood there with my beer in my hand looking at all the SUVs. So as I just stand there staring, I see Hilary Clinton. I was less than 50 feet from her and I think she made eye contact with me as she was getting out of her car. And her bodyguard did wave to me. I had to just look retarded at that instant and I'm pretty sure had I made any sudden movements to go into my purse to grab my camera, the bodyguard would have shot me on the spot. Oh well. Next time I'll be ready BEFORE anyone parks. :)

And the Loser is. . . .

One of my best guy friend's is getting married in September. I'm super excited and can't wait!! Mainly because I am just excited to get to hang out with all my friends. And secondly because since I've moved away, I don't get to see his friends from high school and college who I used to hang out with all the time, and now I will!! And maybe some unrequited love from long ago will spark between some of his single friends. . . :)

Anyways, my bgf emailed me yesterday and asked if I had any group pictures of our friends for the slide show they are going to do at the wedding. I first started looking at the ones on my computer from New Years and whatnot. And there is a great group picture of all of us. But the weird thing about the picture?? I'm 30 lbs lighter and two almost three sizes smaller now from when that picture was taken. I'm hoping to be maybe 10 lbs lighter in time for his wedding, but I'm not sure if that will happen. But still. It's just weird to think about.

When I moved initially 3 years ago in September, I gained some weight. The weight wasn't as noticeable, but then I started to balloon out. In January '06, I started to work out again plus I was in a wedding that June. I went down almost 2 sizes but after the wedding, I started eating really bad again. I still kept the working out regular but not enough to lose any weight. So at the end of January this year I started Weight Watchers and kept my working out routine and the weight has come off nicely. I could probably have lost more weight, but I don't want to deprive myself of things I like. I still eat those occasionally but just try to watch my portion control. It's just weird to think that I've lost that much weight when it didn't take me that long to put it on in the first place!!!

Are you there God?? It's me. . .

One of my favorite books of all time when I was in 3rd grade was Judy Blume's "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret." I cannot tell you how many times I read that book. In fact, I read a lot of Judy Blume books growing up. (I heart her.) I think as you get older though that sometimes you stop and think back and wonder will life ever turn out like it did in the books of yesteryear.

I guess at this point in time I consider myself an adult. Well adult-like persay. I think in the last year or so I've been waiting for these signs to sort of tell me what exactly my destiny is. I've waited, and waited, and waited. . . AND waited. And while talking a class called Alpha at my church things just kept coming up on how you need to listen for God and let him in when he knocks and whatnot. All these people in my group kept saying things like how they were having a bad day and something just kept coming up in their mind and they would open their Bible and right there would be the perfect verse to what was happening. And I just kept thinking, "Am I not listening??" And I guess the other question would be, should I start opening my Bible??

I know my Mom and Dad say how I don't always listen, but I think it's more of a tune them out type thing than me not really listening. Well I think I heard God yesterday as opposed to my apparently tuning him out. And it was strange. I am definitely struggling in my love life. And I met this great guy, Boatman, who on all accounts is a great catch. And he obviously likes me a lot. (And who wouldn't really?? hehe) However, I felt no attraction to him whatsoever. No spark, no chemistry, no nothing. I keep thinking maybe I should give him one more shot. (Actually, it's more coming from my mom because she feels I need to give him another shot and sometimes sparks just don't come right away. She of course is completely lying since she told me she had instant sparks and chemistry when she met my dad. And then she says, perhaps you shouldn't always go with the sparks. . . My mom, the jokester. . .) So on Sunday when I was at Church the pastor not once, not twice, but three+ times made the comment on how you can't become lazy in things such as love. And how you need to have that initial spark, that passion, when you love something. Granted she was talking about the initial spark of God's love and our love for him, but in a way I think it was also God talking to me saying, perhaps you should go for the spark. And also go for someone who say is 5 hours closer to you even though they may like you a lot, you can't like them the same back. God also spoke one another time to me a few months ago at Church. I had a song in my head and during a clip in the sermon, guess what song was played??? You're right, the song in my head! And it wasn't a Christian song, it was "This Woman's Work." So, I think I'm going to listen to God this time. Or try to at least. ;)

Random thoughts. . .

Why is it that everytime I hear Richard Marx I find myself singing outloud in my car?? He doesn't sing upbeat songs either for the most part. I was rocking out and singing at the top of my lungs to "Right Here Waiting for You."

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you. . .
some other lyrics here between
And in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance. . . Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. . .

Wait and now that I actually look at the lyrics. . . they're kind of stalkerish. . . like he's following her everywhere or something. . . hmmm. . .

Oh well. I will still sing them!! :) Which is actually kind of funny considering this morning my cousin H referred to me as a stalker. Hmmm. . . .

Chemistry, Sparks, but not of the bunsen burner kind. . .

Recently I just find it strange. Love, Chemistry, that whole 'spark' with someone thing. This morning we got to talking at work about how you can have chemistry with someone but not necessarily have that 'spark' with them. And the guy that I work with didn't see how there is a difference. I'm glad the other girl and I had the same thought.



The 'spark' is the whole butterflies and stomach somersaults that you get when you are with someone. Sometimes that spark isn't always there instantaneously, but usually you have the chemistry there.



The chemistry can be of different varieties. It can be the hate chemistry where you seriously hate that person yet are oddly attracted to them. The friend chemistry is where you just sort of click with a person and it feels like you have known them your whole life. The love chemistry is the one that's the most dangerous. It's the one where sometimes you just want to take the other person in the back room and have your way with them and don't really care. There is also the drunk chemistry which sometimes is like the love chemistry except when you wake up in the morning or see that person again, you realize there wasn't even the friend chemistry and alcohol played a very mean experiment on you while you were just minding your own business and having fun.



Maybe I'm picky. I want the chemistry and the spark. I would prefer the spark right away though. I have often thought of calling up sparks of past and seeing if they could answer this question. Like did they have the spark right away or was it just me?? But then after further thought, I thought I'm pretty sure their wives wouldn't appreciate me calling and asking this question.



When I first time, I met Dean Cain, I had the chemistry. The first time we hung out alone together, I had the spark. I had the butterflies and the somersaults in my stomach every time we made eye contact. I still get those and often have to look away from him when making eye contact for too long.



The first time I met Boatman. I didn't have any of that. I didn't even have that when we may or may not have kissed that second time we hung out when I was drunk. I am definitely comfortable with him. But where is the spark??? Where is that love chemistry?? It was more like we were cousins or something.



When I hang out with another guy--I'll call Hollywood--I have the chemistry and a slight spark.



And last night when this guy that I met Saturday called me to hang out, and he came over to my house to go on a walk, I felt the chemistry. We just kept talking and talking,and I felt the chemistry and maybe a potential spark.



But the one guy I know for sure likes me, I don't feel the chemistry with or how the chemistry should feel. Why?? Why does God like playing these cruel jokes on me??

WTF?!?!?!?!

Do you sometimes feel that because you're nice, people feel that you're a great person to take out ALL their frustrations on?

Oh you don't??

Well maybe we could switch places. This way if someone is in a bad mood they can take it on you as opposed to me and make me feel less like crap. Thank you! :)

My cousin is evil. . .

My cousin informs me on a regular basis how much she dislikes my ringback tone. So I changed it to apparently another song she can't stand. H then tells me that, well, everytime she calls me, she sings the song and may even be singing when I answer. And for that she hates me.

And do you know what my dear cousin did to get back at me??

She now has a specific ringback tone set for yours truly. It's the Barney theme song. Barney the big, purple Dinosaur theme song. I may never call her again. . .

Thanks H. Thanks.

Am I really THAT Stupid???

Sometimes when you ponder these types of questions the answer seems rather obvious. No I am not THAT stupid. However, lately a barrage of people have been asking me this question. I'm not sure why either. But it does make you just sit back and think.

So I have a weird relationship with a guy friend. So we act like a 'couple' and do 'couple' like things. So almost every Sunday night we have a dinner and TV show ritual or at least a TV show ritual. The 'couple' things we don't do. . . kiss. So we've slept in the same bed on numerous occasions and haven't done anything. That doesn't make it weird. Is he heterosexual you ask?? Yes, yes he is. Oh so that's what makes it weird. Because guys don't normally sleep in the same bed with girls they don't want to hook up with. So guys don't usually spend almost every weekend with some girl that they only want to be friends with. So normal guy friends don't just come and spend a Saturday night hanging out with your sister, mom, and nephew when they are in town so he could meet your sister. Normal guys would have maybe just come over and met your sister and just stayed for a bit and then left, you say. Normal guy friends wouldn't have called you at 1AM to tell you that they were sorry they didn't get to meet your sis the night before. Oh so most guy friends wouldn't just go to church with you on a Sunday when he's Catholic and you're Lutheran and at dinner afterwards tell you he's going to have to go a couple of more times so he can get used to it. Normal guy friends wouldn't answer their phone in the middle of a concert and then later call you back when they're still out and be chatty with you. But normal guy friends would tell you that they've ruined past relationships with girls because they thought they would always get back together with their ex (who just happens to be psychotic and a jealous freak in this case). Oh wait but normal guy friends wouldn't feel the need to tell you they're ready to move on, you say. You say, they'd just move on and quit spending all that time with you if you were just friends.

So YOU go to another city and visit a guy who's been calling you and seems very interested. So YOU sort of forget to tell your friend this. You don't have to because technically you're just friends with this other guy. And really your other guy friends feel you don't have to say anything because you really aren't anything, so you're okay. So then why do you feel guilty for just telling the 'friend' on Sunday that you went boating this weekend with some friends. Why didn't you just tell him you went with some friends AND with a guy who seems to really like you. So why do you feel guilty b/c you may or may not have kissed the guy you went to visit when you don't really feel anything for him. So the spark that you should feel for the guy who obviously likes you a lot, you feel for your 'friend' who you spend all this time with who may or may not feel the same way and be just as scared as you are.

So what you're saying is that I need to say something to my friend. That just seems silly. So you would rather go on never knowing what could be out there for us, you say. So you like the thought of not knowing as opposed to the rejection of the question that needs to be asked, you ponder to me.

So yes in regards to your question. . . I guess I really am THAT stupid. . .

Why my life is funny. . . but not in that haha, rollover laughing sort of way. . .

I think my entire life I always thought that when I fell in love, there would be this huge spark (and possible fireworks) and a knight on a white horse would come in and sweep me off my feet. This has not happened. EVER. I would have settled with the knight in a white mustang. But no.

My good friend got married about two months ago and after I was groped/molested by our other good friends husband (this is entirely another post), I sat down on the couch next to this guy I'll refer to as Boatman. Boatman and I talked for about 20 minutes and I may or may not have been drunk. So two weeks after the wedding, I receive an email from my good friend saying this guy wants my email. So after email exchanges, phone calls, text messages over the span of a month I go to visit Boatman and my good friend and her husband and go boating b/c said guy has a Boat. (See how I did that?!? He has a boat, so I gave him the nickname, Boatman. I never said I was funny.)

So now I have this great guy who seems to be head over heels in love with me. The problem??? I have absolutely no spark for him. None. Not even fireworks. I may or may not have even kissed him to decide if perhaps there was a spark there. None.

The worst part?? I'm going to get him to come here and see me and see if perhaps a spark might ignite on his way here. But it just confuses me more. Perhaps it's just b/c I'm nice. I feel everyone may have an off day or two and needs a second chance. But does the spark just appear?? I don't know. I've never had that before. I've had the spark with several people. That chemistry thing. That thing where you walk past a stranger on the street and you accidently touch and your whole arm goes numb. My finger didn't even tingle.

Here we go again. . . .

So. . . after about the 80th time of hearing that my life is pretty much a running joke and perhaps I should write a blog about it. Here I go. . .

I really can't really promise much seeing as well, my life may not be as funny as I or others find it to be. And right now my friend calls me every day to see how her favorite 'soap opera' is. I'm not sure if I should take offense to that or not but whatever.

So basically this blog will be I guess my way of venting (and probably saving on some much needed therapy bills I have) as well as just telling you my day to day stories in life. And seriously, I cannot even begin to make up these things! :)

So I hope you enjoy!!