Tuesday, August 25, 2009

I Want to go Back. . .

That's the title of one of my favorite Eddie Money songs. Josie loved 80s music as do I, and often in college we would rock out to Eddie Money's greatest hits. It's strange when something you know is probably going to happen but you somehow have this hope that it won't turn out the way you think it will.

My friend Josie passed away on Saturday. Words cannot express the heartache that I feel. I can't seem to quit crying. I don't do it as much when people are around me, but when I'm alone I just bawl. I'm not a big cryer in front of people. But I guess that's what happens when you lose someone you loved so much. My friends have been absolutely the best though about making sure I'm not alone too much. Which is nice that they put up with me getting silent and grabbing a Kleenex. I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take sometime.

I'm so happy that I got to see her a month ago. And hug her. And tell her that I love her. I will miss her trying to always get me to do things that made me really uncomfortable. She always made me step out of my box of comfortableness. I will miss her raw energy. Her strength.

I bought a card last Wednesday that I never sent. It said:

"I believe in mind over matter. I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small. I believe in the human spirit to prevail. I believe in possibilities. I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us." And in the inside it said "I believe in you."

I thought it was a great card for her while she started her radiation treatments for the tumor that was now in her brain as well as the pesky one that was growing in her liver. My heart hurts especially for her husband. They were only married for 2 years. It's not fair. Finding your soul mate and then losing her so soon. I have so many memories of her and the both of them. Her Mom wrote on Facebook that she was happy that she didn't wake up sobbing today. I can't imagine the hurt they are going through when I hurt so bad.

Josie sent updates every month or so in mass email so she wouldn't have to write different emails. Sometimes when there was no news really, she'd just text me with the results. So John that night she died, sent out something that I'm sure broke his heart. Here's John's words and Josie's last email:

Hey all, it’s John. I hate to tell everyone this way, but my wife was always prompt and organized so she would want me to get this out asap. Josie died today after 5 years of battling this shitty disease. She woke up and told us she couldn’t fight anymore and spent the rest of the day comfortable and surrounded by loved ones. Josie was in the middle of one of her famous “updates” to let everyone know what she has been going through the last few weeks and I attached it below. In true Josie form she didn’t get to finish it because she didn’t have all the information needed to give a complete (4 page) update. My wife is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and it was the honor of my life to be married to her and hold her hand through this long journey. The void she left is immeasurable and luckily we’ve had the chance to talk about her legacy the past few nights. You all were her strength and she loved having you in her life. She wanted to be cremated and some of her ashes spread in San Diego (Sunset Cliffs in OB) but the rest we’ll decide this week. Love JD

From Josie:

Goodness, goodness where to start… First of all, we don’t even know how to thank you all enough for your support, prayers and everything good you have all been sending our way – even when many of you have had very limited information over the last couple of weeks as I’m sure many of you have heard just bits and pieces of random info. As many of you know, John and my Mom admitted/took me into the hospital on Friday, August 7th, after many days of being incoherent and nodding off while working, texting, driving :)Physically, we received pretty immediate bad news. Many of my symptoms seemed to be pointing towards issues of confusion so they got me in right away for a scan of my noggin/brain and unfortunately learned that there has been metastasized disease spread to the brain – which they truly haven’t scanned for until this point. They immediately got me in for 3 radiation treatments to my brain on Wed, Thurs & Friday, and now will start the final 7 of the 10-total radiation treatments that they think may have some chance of stopping their growth and buying me some lucid quality time. I go in this morning for first of the combined brain/liver chemo.This is by far the hardest and most honest email I’m going to have to send everyone, as they have been very honest with us this time that my body can’t handle what it could even just a month ago, and it could only be weeks that I have left… Wow… what a strange thing to have to put in writing. I just want everyone to know I’m feeling better and love everyone so much. Love,Josie, John and Barker

I know my life won't ever be the same without her in it, and I can't imagine where my life would have been had she not been it. She was a ray of sunshine. I will miss her deeply.

A

Friday, August 21, 2009

Why I won't be on Reality TV anytime soon. . .

So I've been following this because true crime stuff fascinates me. I wrote a report in high school on serial killers and then couldn't sleep for weeks. But it interests me. I often wonder why people do the things they do. But this guy is CRAZY. I mean seriously. It really disturbs me. And the weird part is he was on a dating show. Don't they screen these people better??

If I was going to be on a Dating Reality show say like the Bachelorette or something, I would hope that producers would screen my dates pretty good. Like one of the questions on the application should say "Name and numbers of the last three people you went on dates with" so then they could call them and at least find out if the guy was verbally or physically abusive to them. Granted I'm pretty sure Megan Wants a Millionaire or whatever the name of the show is, probably didn't have a great quality of contestants because what self-respecting guy would want to date someone that was on the Rock of Love. I do watch that show in small increments because I have such a hard time believing there are actually people out there in society that function like that on a day to day basis.

In happier news, I got to see this really hot bartender that I have a HUGE crush on last night. Our softball team played his team and he was the pitcher, so yes, I saw/stared/gazed longingly into his blue eyes the whole night. He's so f'ing cute. I mean seriously. I also got to see hot player from my friend Tim's team, although Tim wasn't playing. There is just something about ball players. I swear!!!

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

If you think you're having a bad day. . .

It could be worse. . . This could be you.

I actually wish I had words for this, but really it might be a lose/lose situation. Plus, they said the tests are really time consuming. Like they can't just check to see if the person has male/female parts. And the bad thing, I can't tell by the picture.

I bet that's what people say about me too. Except I did get a "You look a lot like your Mom!" this weekend. To which my Gramps says "Yeah, she looks a lot like her other Grandpa." Thanks Gramps. Thanks buddy. He also said it like 3 other times to other people when asked which one I was.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Your brief weird news for the day. . .

Here are some good stories today:

This lady needs to be locked away forever. No joke.

I used to love you. Now, I just want to kick you. I mean seriously. Just quit it. I don't care anymore.

And for the good news. This made me hungry. Also, how do I get a job as a Guiness World Records Adjudicator.

I'm also a little sad that I never got to see this. It's now been taken down. Does it make me a perv that I wanted to see it??? I just really love McSteamy even though I quit watching Grey's after the whole Dead Denny thing last year.

Off the news subject. . . I notice that whenever Joel McHale makes fun of something on The Soup I tend to watch that show at least once or for as long as I can stand it if it's something I've never seen. I watched Kourtney and Khloe Take Miami and I'm not sure that Kim Kardashian realized how b*tchy it makes her look. She definitely thinks she is a bigger star than she is. I mean, she's really just famous for a sex tape. And that's how she got famous. Like Paris Hilton. Darn it. I said I wouldn't mention her name again. Oh well. Sorry.

Friday, August 14, 2009

How to Realize God has a sense of humor. . .

So I am getting ready to leave work and have to share this mainly because my normal IM buddies *cough H *cough are no longer at work. . . .

I went down to the restroom and changed into my workout clothes, so I could just stop on my way home from work. No biggie. Change into your workout clothes, leave the building. It's that easy.

My workout clothes consist of a sort of thin white t-shirt and shorts. Again, what's the big deal?? Well, it's a big deal when you take off your bra and mean to change into your sports bra and forget to. You just put on your thin white t-shirt. That's slightly see through. Especially when you have to walk out of the building through the entrance of the Brew Pub/Restaurant that you work above. And you walk outside on a really sunny day. So your shirt is see through and you're not wearing a bra?!? Yeah. I think I sprinted back into the building as fast as I could into the elevator and high tailed to my office to put my sports bra on.

Man, those 4 floors back up to my office were REALLY slow on the elevator!!!

And why are my sports bras so comfortable that I didn't even notice?!?

I guess this is your funny for your Friday! Happy Friday!!

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Just the basics, Ma'am.

I was going to write a witty sentence or 2 about how H needed update her damn blog but then I looked and she did. Maybe I should buy into that whole Google Reader thing I keep hearing about.

Also, has anyone noticed besides me that Twitter is a lot like Facebook Status update?!? Anyone?? I've thought this for a long time and now keep thinking it more and more lately.

Wait, I should put my thoughts into bullet form because it's nicer to read, isn't it?!?

  • Dane Cook made a funny joke about how Vanessa Hudgen's shouldn't take nude photos in the digital age at the Teen Choice Awards. . .and he's right. But his joke got cut from the TV broadcast because it was deemed inappropriate. Say more inappropriate than a 16 or 17-year-old girl taking nude photos of herself and sending them to people?!? Really?!?
  • It also makes me happy that I didn't grow up in the digital age. I'd hate to quote someone on this, but on Chelsea Lately, one of the comics made the comment that back in the day if you wanted to take nude pictures, you'd have to take it to the store to get them developed and then you knew the people developing them would see them! Plus with the digital age and email, pictures get around within seconds. How do people not realize this?!? I mean, can I tell you about the number of texts I've actually sent to the wrong person?!?
  • I made birthday cupcakes for my friend's 30th Birthday party. I am nice.



  • I seemed to have slept really well last night. I'm not sure if my exhaustiveness caught up with me or the 2 glasses of wine my aunt and I drank right before bed did.
  • I got a little more excited than I should when I saw that 17 Again came out on DVD on Tuesday. Guess what movie I'll make Dean watch with me when he gets back from vacation?!?
  • My other cousin is pregnant! I'm super excited! And do you know what this means?? On my Mom's side 4 cousins are having kids within 10 months of each other. And the 3 guy cousins have the initials BJ. CRAZY!!!
  • This summer weather is lovely. I love the hot but not the humid. Yesterday, the heat, without the humidity. It was awesome and a great night for a baseball game.

Happy half way through the work week!!!



Monday, August 10, 2009

Why I have been in a mood. . .

My friend is dying. I hate saying that. Maybe she isn't. Maybe there will be some miracle.

I still have this hope that it is “might be” dying but alas the last time I saw her I can’t shake the image of the person I saw. The same sweet smile, the same bubbly personality, the same optimistic attitude, but alas not the same strong body I was used to seeing.

I guess here is the long story quasi short:

Josie was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 25 in Feb '05 and then was in "remission" for almost a year or so. Then in October '07, she was going in for a check up. She was literally walking out of the office with a "alls good!" when she made the comment to the doctor that she had had a cough for 2 months. The Doc ordered a CT scan and that's when they discovered she had cancer in her right lung, rib cage lining, and liver. Her lung was filled with fluid and for about 2-3 months kept collapsing because the cancer had caused a hole in her lung.

In Feb '08 they thought the cancer in her liver was rotting from the inside only to discover it was metastasizing at an alarming rate, however, the cancer in her right lung and rib cage lining had disappeared. Her doctor that she was with through the breast cancer said she couldn't do anymore and that Josie should think about Hospice. Josie said "Hell no! It's gone 2 out of 3 places!" So she then switched drs since the other one wanted to put her on Hospice.

For 10 months the liver cancer tumor shrunk to 1/2 its size. Then they put her on a chemo "holiday" for a month in November. It was a month later though the tumor grew back to over double its size and ever since then no other chemo treatment has seemed to control it. They couldn't put her back on the old chemo treatment because it had seriously depleted her bone marrow. She's hoping to qualify for a trial that might help. But she's very weak and super sick now. I was with her in March, and if you didn't know she was sick, you wouldn't have guessed it. In April, when I saw her for her 30th bday, she had lost some weight, but nothing too major.

So it was very hard to see her now. But I'm glad I went. She is nothing but skin and bones now and a 6-month preggar belly. The preggar belly being caused by all the fluid she is retaining now. 2.5 Liters a day. And so she doesn’t have to go to the hospital everyday like she has the last month, they inserted a catheter so she can drain herself. Before we ate she had to drain so she could have room in her stomach. My friend is nothing but a trooper. She honestly said to me "So I guess you know it's not good." Like I couldn't tell by looking at her.

She had to go into the hospital on Friday. Her electrolytes were out of whack. She slept mostly. Today she'll find out more. More about the tumors. More about how her life will change.

I cried all weekend. I got home from my friend's birthday and I bawled. I can't stop. I can't sleep. And I know if she knew it was affecting me this badly, she'd hit me. Tell me to snap out of it. Tell me, she's still here, living life. So I shouldn't cry now. Cry later. But it's hard. It's hard to be so far away from her. It's hard not being able to talk to her. She was never much of a talker on the phone anyway, but now she's too weak to even text back. Her husband tried to answer her emails but she gets to many he said and it would be a full time job to answer them.

Did I mention, she's still working her job?? Yeah. That's her.

The whole time I was with her a week and a half ago, I pretended she didn't look different. Pretended she didn't look sick. I pretended everything was okay. Until I left her. That's when I cried.

I watched my grandparents slowly die. And it was painful. But for some reason, for me anyway, it's soo much harder to watch my friend.

**UPDATE-Josie now has a tumor in her brain. :( But the bone scans came back clear, so that is really good. She's a fighter, and is ready to fight the brain tumor head on too. No pun intended.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

I want to kill my neighbor. . .

I'm all for partying on my porch. I'm all for staying up late.



But I am not for LOUD partying on my porch and staying up late. . .on a school night.



Even on the weekend when my friends and I get loud on my porch, I worry that I am waking up my neighbors that may be sleeping when it's 2am. I feel bad. Maybe that's just who I am.



But ever since I saw Josie last Wednesday, I can't sleep well to save my life. It's like I'm sleeping, but not really. And after having a mini meltdown at like 10:30pm last night and my cousin was the only friend up, I was exhausted and just wanted to sleep. (Thanks again D$!)



Then I heard my neighbor and God knows what other guys. And there was a chance they were there prior, but through my sobs, I could not hear them. They were loud until 1-1:30am. On a school night. I mean LOUD. I could make out the entire conversation verbatim. It wasn't muffled loudness. I would hope at 42-years-old with 3 kids that you would know what indoor voices are.



Maybe he was just up celebrating PJ's Birthday early. . .Happy Birthday PJ!!!!!

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Do you Remember the Time??

When I said that I would update my blog this week or weekend?? Yeah. . .it didn't happen. It's called "NO TIME" whatsoever.

And yes, I did quote a Michael Jackson song. I still kind of miss hearing the songs like all day on the radio for like a week.

Anywho, to wet your whistle a little I will give you a tease as to how the wedding was. I drank myself sober with shots. Yeah, I didn't think that was still possible. But it is. Even at my age. I mean, it's not like I didn't start drinking at 5pm and didn't let up until 11:30pm. I felt like "Oh I had a few beers" and I woke up feeling like I hadn't drank the night before. It's weird. And awesome seeing as I had to drive home like 5 hours. Open bars are never a good thing and an old friend of your sisters being the bartender who was making the shots is never good either. I did literally lay on my couch the rest of the night after getting home. I mean, I got ready for bed at 7pm--jammies, teeth brushed, and face washed, pretty much the minute I walked in the door.

Also this morning I was late for work. Not because of me, but because my 2nd floor neighbor went outside on her balcony to water her plants and the door jam for her sliding glass door fell and she was stuck outside on her deck. She had been sitting outside for 25 minutes waiting for someone to walk out of their house. Then I had to call her parents and sister to try and get her extra key. I felt so bad for her!! And of course her door was locked still so I couldn't just go and open it and let her out. She said she thought about shimmying down the side, but then realized it wasn't like she could get back into her place anyway.