My Apologies. . .

I realized apparently yesterday after I calmed down a bit, I might over exaggerate things. And I very often have the feeling that everyone is conspiring against me. Why you may ask?? I don't know why. If I knew why, I don't think the conspiring theory would come on a monthly basis in my life. Recently I think I have the feeling more and more and perhaps it's because my "friend" blatantly attacked my character for no apparent reason, I don't know. The truth be told, I've never had confidence. Even though as my "friend" said that I have this new confidence and whatnot with me losing all the weight and getting my haircut. Umm. . . technically my weight is where I started when I first moved to this great state 3 years ago. :) It could be because I was always the chubby child and my sister never was. My sister was always the pretty, skinny one that all the guys flocked to. I was the chubby, funny kid that was always the friend. I mean, looking back now--as you can tell from the picture at the right--I was pretty sexy and cannot figure out, why no one flocked to me! Which is always ironic looking back too because I never got picked on for being the chubby kid and my sister got picked on all the time. I had a good group of friends in grade school and her friends seemed caddy and mean.

So I don't know why I freak out on certain things and apparently can't let certain other things ago. I think I'm waiting for an apology still from said "friend" and that's why I'm still so bitter about it. So H, I'm sorry I had to go all crazy on you yesterday about my conspiring theories. I love that you listen to them and probably laugh hysterically with Bill about them later! :)

Recent Annoyances

Boatman is driving me crazy. I guess that I feel emails are a very valid form of communication. I mean that was the whole idea of emails--To communicate faster and all, right?!? And I guess I feel if I am having a busy weekend and someone knows that I am having a busy weekend and I don't talk to you, it's probably because I am having a busy weekend, right?!? So why, WHY do you insist on two weekends in a row when you know full well that A) I am going to be busy this weekend and B) Since I will be busy, I probably won't be talking to you, do you call and/or text me??? And then this past weekend send me guilt texts about not calling you and how you want a call from me. This dear people is annoying. For starters, we're NOT dating. And Secondly, I DON'T HAVE SPARKS/CHEMISTRY WITH YOU!! It just really makes me want to drive the 5+ hours and smack him in the head and drive back.

I have a problem . . .

I keep finding myself rocking out in my car to 80s music. But not your normal Rock out 80s music like Prince or Michael Jackson before he got weird, I'm talking Don Henley sappy love songs and Corey Heart's "Never Surrender." It's a problem. I mean the other day it was Richard Marx and now it's turned into other 80s sappy love songs.

If you know of any support groups let me know. Thanks!

-A

Things that make me smile. . .

I played in this kickball tournament a couple of weeks ago. (And yes I said Kickball. I actually even play in a kickball league that will be starting up again in the next couple of weeks.) I played with a couple of people that I didn't know but everyone else had played on the kickball team and league last fall. Well one of the guys on the team the Tuesday after the tourney called me after getting my number off of Facebook and in his message said, he wasn't stalking me but noticed that I had my number on there and thought he'd call me to see if I wanted to do something. He ended up coming over and we went for a walk. Then last week he called to see if I wanted to go out to dinner but I couldn't because I was with my boss already. Then today in an email I was telling him how a story came up about my sister that I was just telling him and it came up again with all my cousins and I was telling everyone that I had just told someone that story. He emailed me back and said "So I'm just a 'somebody'. I can't believe I don't even get a name in the stories you tell your family. I'm just kidding... I would have said the same thing." How cute is that?!?

Happy is as Happy does. . .

My cousin Brian got married this past weekend. I really don't think I've ever seen Brian as emotional as I saw him that day. But it wasn't that sad emotional it was that happy emotional. It was the "this is the happiest I've ever been" happy emotional. I'm so happy for him. And I hope (and pray) that someday I will be that happy. Congrats Brian and Luba!!!

Yep, that's me. I'm pretty much a BIG Dork. . .

So. . . Dean Cain is on vacation this week. Which in a way is good because it really makes me think less about him. Mainly because I know he's on vacation with his family up in the boondocks so I don't have to sit around worrying why isn't he calling me. Which don't worry I'm not actually sitting around waiting for him to call, I'm metaphorically sitting around waiting and wondering why he hasn't called. . . :) And I know we are just friends, but friends with a weird relationship nonetheless. But lately, mainly after church on Sunday, I realized that he's the one I have a spark with. WHICH I HATE. However, there is a guy I have great chemistry with who did call me on Tuesday to see if I wanted to go out to dinner. I couldn't though because I was already out with my one boss. No spark, but some definite chemistry.

Anyways, I think God is trying to speak to me through musical lyrics. The radio station I listen to is known for never really playing the same music two days in a row unless it's the popular stuff, and then I only hear it once MAYBE twice a day. Well anyway, the moment I got back and was contemplating my stuff with Boatman the Colbie Calliet song, Bubbly came on and I realized that's what I want to feel and I just don't feel that with Boatman. So two days ago, my favorite U2 Song came on, With or Without You, and I was just slowly jamming to it at my desk. Then yesterday, it came on again. And then today as I had a moment where something happened and I knew it was something Dean would appreciate, the song came on the radio. And I was like, is this just shear coincidence, or is it God telling me that when Dean gets back from his vacation, perhaps you should just tell him how you feel?

Now this to any other person would probably be it's a coincidence of songs three days in a row. And I, too, would normally think this, but this is my movie montage song. And by movie montage song, I mean if my life were made into a movie this is the song that would be playing in it. Specifically it would play just as I realized that I was in love with my best guy friend and he was moving clear across the country after telling our friends that he was in love with me but that I obviously wasn't in love with him, so he had to move on and move away. And as I'm running after his taxi that just left his apartment (up a hill no less), I finally give up and admit defeat, and walk slowly back down the hill. Then I hear "Hey idiot, Why are you running after an empty taxi??" and it's him. And I start babbling and saying how I thought it was him and how I realized I was in love with him and then we romantically embrace. AND scene. :) I've only told dear friends about my movie montage songs. Mainly because I think it's one of my quirks, but also because they might steal it and actually make a movie about it. I know when writing this in cyberspace I should worry, but only maybe three people read this and I'm related to them all, so no worries here. :)

Anyway, one Saturday I was over at Dean's and he was telling me how he was playing tennis and soccer by himself working on his skills. Then he says, "This may sound weird but do you ever think that sometimes your life should have a narrator or something. That there's that voice saying, 'Look at Dean's skill with the soccer ball. Or look at Dean making toast.' Or something like that." And I believe I must have gave him that strange, 'I think I'm falling in love with you' look because he then says, "That's really weird, huh." I tell him it's not that weird and he asks if I ever think that stuff. And I whip out the movie montage songs. And I directly tell him I have a specific example but it might just weird him out but he wants to hear it anyway. So I tell him. And he still talks to me people He STILL talks to me. :)

So what's weird is that I have never told any guy the movie montage theory besides my bgf. He's the only one mainly because girl's don't seem to think it's as weird as guys would. And what's even weirder is that I've heard that song, every day he's been gone. EVERY DAY. I talked to him on his way Monday night. So everyday I haven't talked to him, I've heard the song that reminds me of him. It's rather creepy honestly. And in my overthinkingness, I have pretty much determined that I'm a big dork!

Great at being quick is NOT my specialty. . .

So last night I took my bosses to the state fair. . . which also happens to be the 2nd most fun place in the United States to go behind Las Vegas. . . thank you. . . thankyouverymuch. . .

I did not have near as much fun at the fair last night as I had in times past however. For one, it was HOT and HUMID. I capitalize so you know it just wasn't the normal hot and humid. You sweated just standing still. And it was after 6pm at night and with complete cloud cover. Ridiculous I say. RIDICULOUS!! The other reason could be because I was with my bosses. One I enjoy hanging out with most of the time. The other says things that make me really question him as a human being, and I wonder if he even has a soul. Why do I continue to work for him?? I only see him once a month and sometimes not at all. And after a couple of comments he made last night, I'm really starting to even question that.

Anyway, as we made our way after we got some beer and listened to live music, we were cutting through to go see the butter cow and all of a sudden this cop and like an entourage of black SUVs come up behind us. Now if I was thinking like a normal person, I would have thought, "perhaps I should get my camera out and take a picture because this is likely someone important." However, I just stood there with my beer in my hand looking at all the SUVs. So as I just stand there staring, I see Hilary Clinton. I was less than 50 feet from her and I think she made eye contact with me as she was getting out of her car. And her bodyguard did wave to me. I had to just look retarded at that instant and I'm pretty sure had I made any sudden movements to go into my purse to grab my camera, the bodyguard would have shot me on the spot. Oh well. Next time I'll be ready BEFORE anyone parks. :)

And the Loser is. . . .

One of my best guy friend's is getting married in September. I'm super excited and can't wait!! Mainly because I am just excited to get to hang out with all my friends. And secondly because since I've moved away, I don't get to see his friends from high school and college who I used to hang out with all the time, and now I will!! And maybe some unrequited love from long ago will spark between some of his single friends. . . :)

Anyways, my bgf emailed me yesterday and asked if I had any group pictures of our friends for the slide show they are going to do at the wedding. I first started looking at the ones on my computer from New Years and whatnot. And there is a great group picture of all of us. But the weird thing about the picture?? I'm 30 lbs lighter and two almost three sizes smaller now from when that picture was taken. I'm hoping to be maybe 10 lbs lighter in time for his wedding, but I'm not sure if that will happen. But still. It's just weird to think about.

When I moved initially 3 years ago in September, I gained some weight. The weight wasn't as noticeable, but then I started to balloon out. In January '06, I started to work out again plus I was in a wedding that June. I went down almost 2 sizes but after the wedding, I started eating really bad again. I still kept the working out regular but not enough to lose any weight. So at the end of January this year I started Weight Watchers and kept my working out routine and the weight has come off nicely. I could probably have lost more weight, but I don't want to deprive myself of things I like. I still eat those occasionally but just try to watch my portion control. It's just weird to think that I've lost that much weight when it didn't take me that long to put it on in the first place!!!

Are you there God?? It's me. . .

One of my favorite books of all time when I was in 3rd grade was Judy Blume's "Are you there God? It's me, Margaret." I cannot tell you how many times I read that book. In fact, I read a lot of Judy Blume books growing up. (I heart her.) I think as you get older though that sometimes you stop and think back and wonder will life ever turn out like it did in the books of yesteryear.

I guess at this point in time I consider myself an adult. Well adult-like persay. I think in the last year or so I've been waiting for these signs to sort of tell me what exactly my destiny is. I've waited, and waited, and waited. . . AND waited. And while talking a class called Alpha at my church things just kept coming up on how you need to listen for God and let him in when he knocks and whatnot. All these people in my group kept saying things like how they were having a bad day and something just kept coming up in their mind and they would open their Bible and right there would be the perfect verse to what was happening. And I just kept thinking, "Am I not listening??" And I guess the other question would be, should I start opening my Bible??

I know my Mom and Dad say how I don't always listen, but I think it's more of a tune them out type thing than me not really listening. Well I think I heard God yesterday as opposed to my apparently tuning him out. And it was strange. I am definitely struggling in my love life. And I met this great guy, Boatman, who on all accounts is a great catch. And he obviously likes me a lot. (And who wouldn't really?? hehe) However, I felt no attraction to him whatsoever. No spark, no chemistry, no nothing. I keep thinking maybe I should give him one more shot. (Actually, it's more coming from my mom because she feels I need to give him another shot and sometimes sparks just don't come right away. She of course is completely lying since she told me she had instant sparks and chemistry when she met my dad. And then she says, perhaps you shouldn't always go with the sparks. . . My mom, the jokester. . .) So on Sunday when I was at Church the pastor not once, not twice, but three+ times made the comment on how you can't become lazy in things such as love. And how you need to have that initial spark, that passion, when you love something. Granted she was talking about the initial spark of God's love and our love for him, but in a way I think it was also God talking to me saying, perhaps you should go for the spark. And also go for someone who say is 5 hours closer to you even though they may like you a lot, you can't like them the same back. God also spoke one another time to me a few months ago at Church. I had a song in my head and during a clip in the sermon, guess what song was played??? You're right, the song in my head! And it wasn't a Christian song, it was "This Woman's Work." So, I think I'm going to listen to God this time. Or try to at least. ;)

Random thoughts. . .

Why is it that everytime I hear Richard Marx I find myself singing outloud in my car?? He doesn't sing upbeat songs either for the most part. I was rocking out and singing at the top of my lungs to "Right Here Waiting for You."

Whatever it takes, or how my heart breaks, I will be right here waiting for you. . .
some other lyrics here between
And in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance. . . Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you. . .

Wait and now that I actually look at the lyrics. . . they're kind of stalkerish. . . like he's following her everywhere or something. . . hmmm. . .

Oh well. I will still sing them!! :) Which is actually kind of funny considering this morning my cousin H referred to me as a stalker. Hmmm. . . .

Chemistry, Sparks, but not of the bunsen burner kind. . .

Recently I just find it strange. Love, Chemistry, that whole 'spark' with someone thing. This morning we got to talking at work about how you can have chemistry with someone but not necessarily have that 'spark' with them. And the guy that I work with didn't see how there is a difference. I'm glad the other girl and I had the same thought.



The 'spark' is the whole butterflies and stomach somersaults that you get when you are with someone. Sometimes that spark isn't always there instantaneously, but usually you have the chemistry there.



The chemistry can be of different varieties. It can be the hate chemistry where you seriously hate that person yet are oddly attracted to them. The friend chemistry is where you just sort of click with a person and it feels like you have known them your whole life. The love chemistry is the one that's the most dangerous. It's the one where sometimes you just want to take the other person in the back room and have your way with them and don't really care. There is also the drunk chemistry which sometimes is like the love chemistry except when you wake up in the morning or see that person again, you realize there wasn't even the friend chemistry and alcohol played a very mean experiment on you while you were just minding your own business and having fun.



Maybe I'm picky. I want the chemistry and the spark. I would prefer the spark right away though. I have often thought of calling up sparks of past and seeing if they could answer this question. Like did they have the spark right away or was it just me?? But then after further thought, I thought I'm pretty sure their wives wouldn't appreciate me calling and asking this question.



When I first time, I met Dean Cain, I had the chemistry. The first time we hung out alone together, I had the spark. I had the butterflies and the somersaults in my stomach every time we made eye contact. I still get those and often have to look away from him when making eye contact for too long.



The first time I met Boatman. I didn't have any of that. I didn't even have that when we may or may not have kissed that second time we hung out when I was drunk. I am definitely comfortable with him. But where is the spark??? Where is that love chemistry?? It was more like we were cousins or something.



When I hang out with another guy--I'll call Hollywood--I have the chemistry and a slight spark.



And last night when this guy that I met Saturday called me to hang out, and he came over to my house to go on a walk, I felt the chemistry. We just kept talking and talking,and I felt the chemistry and maybe a potential spark.



But the one guy I know for sure likes me, I don't feel the chemistry with or how the chemistry should feel. Why?? Why does God like playing these cruel jokes on me??

WTF?!?!?!?!

Do you sometimes feel that because you're nice, people feel that you're a great person to take out ALL their frustrations on?

Oh you don't??

Well maybe we could switch places. This way if someone is in a bad mood they can take it on you as opposed to me and make me feel less like crap. Thank you! :)

My cousin is evil. . .

My cousin informs me on a regular basis how much she dislikes my ringback tone. So I changed it to apparently another song she can't stand. H then tells me that, well, everytime she calls me, she sings the song and may even be singing when I answer. And for that she hates me.

And do you know what my dear cousin did to get back at me??

She now has a specific ringback tone set for yours truly. It's the Barney theme song. Barney the big, purple Dinosaur theme song. I may never call her again. . .

Thanks H. Thanks.

Am I really THAT Stupid???

Sometimes when you ponder these types of questions the answer seems rather obvious. No I am not THAT stupid. However, lately a barrage of people have been asking me this question. I'm not sure why either. But it does make you just sit back and think.

So I have a weird relationship with a guy friend. So we act like a 'couple' and do 'couple' like things. So almost every Sunday night we have a dinner and TV show ritual or at least a TV show ritual. The 'couple' things we don't do. . . kiss. So we've slept in the same bed on numerous occasions and haven't done anything. That doesn't make it weird. Is he heterosexual you ask?? Yes, yes he is. Oh so that's what makes it weird. Because guys don't normally sleep in the same bed with girls they don't want to hook up with. So guys don't usually spend almost every weekend with some girl that they only want to be friends with. So normal guy friends don't just come and spend a Saturday night hanging out with your sister, mom, and nephew when they are in town so he could meet your sister. Normal guys would have maybe just come over and met your sister and just stayed for a bit and then left, you say. Normal guy friends wouldn't have called you at 1AM to tell you that they were sorry they didn't get to meet your sis the night before. Oh so most guy friends wouldn't just go to church with you on a Sunday when he's Catholic and you're Lutheran and at dinner afterwards tell you he's going to have to go a couple of more times so he can get used to it. Normal guy friends wouldn't answer their phone in the middle of a concert and then later call you back when they're still out and be chatty with you. But normal guy friends would tell you that they've ruined past relationships with girls because they thought they would always get back together with their ex (who just happens to be psychotic and a jealous freak in this case). Oh wait but normal guy friends wouldn't feel the need to tell you they're ready to move on, you say. You say, they'd just move on and quit spending all that time with you if you were just friends.

So YOU go to another city and visit a guy who's been calling you and seems very interested. So YOU sort of forget to tell your friend this. You don't have to because technically you're just friends with this other guy. And really your other guy friends feel you don't have to say anything because you really aren't anything, so you're okay. So then why do you feel guilty for just telling the 'friend' on Sunday that you went boating this weekend with some friends. Why didn't you just tell him you went with some friends AND with a guy who seems to really like you. So why do you feel guilty b/c you may or may not have kissed the guy you went to visit when you don't really feel anything for him. So the spark that you should feel for the guy who obviously likes you a lot, you feel for your 'friend' who you spend all this time with who may or may not feel the same way and be just as scared as you are.

So what you're saying is that I need to say something to my friend. That just seems silly. So you would rather go on never knowing what could be out there for us, you say. So you like the thought of not knowing as opposed to the rejection of the question that needs to be asked, you ponder to me.

So yes in regards to your question. . . I guess I really am THAT stupid. . .