I finally understand! Well kind of. . .maybe. . .I think. . .

I realized after all my years of being 'one of the guys' that I don't understand them. Mainly when it comes to guys dealing with me. I am told by my sister and a lot of my friends, that I have this keen ability to see clearly both sides of an issue and then have the ability to offer insight into both. Except of course, when it comes to matters that involve me. Then I just seem to think the worst or nothing at all.

I've read the book He's Just Not That Into You and realized that just perhaps I let some great guys go because I thought they weren't into me when they actually were. Or held on to guys that I shouldn't have. Or perhaps my biggest thing: making guys my friends instantly as opposed to being open to a relationship. I don't know why I do this. I try not to. But apparently, even people that haven't known me for eons are starting to notice this.

Take for instance last night. There's this guy who I think I've referred to as Kickball guy. And he called me when he got off work and invited me to his house for dinner. Which seeing as we haven't known each other that long could be construed as a date. However, it wasn't just he and I. It was him, his new roommate, one of their best girl friends who also happens to be married to one of their best friends, and me. I should also state, all three of these people minus me have known each other since middle school. So I don't consider this a legitimate date, but then I am told by some people well, he invited you over to his house to hang out with people that he obviously doesn't need extra company to hang out with. And while H did say she'd give me that it wasn't a date, she did say that I would have to admit it was a "I definitely want to be more than friends with you" dinner. I can perhaps give her that. Maybe.

But then that leaves me at other moments of pondering. Are these other 'hanging outings' quasi dates, or are they "I definitely want to be more than friends with you" dinners? I mean where do you draw the line between friends and wanting to be more than friends or wanting to get to know someone as more than friends? I don't know. It's the same thing as what happened on Saturday. Dean Cain ran into my friends on Saturday night while I was back at Wyatt's wedding yet I had a missed call on Saturday night from him wondering where I was at. I called him back of course and while on the phone Wyatt's friend Zach yelled "Quit messing with her!!" And while Zach was only yelling that because he wanted me to go the bar, it was rather entertaining because he didn't know the importance of his statement with regards to who I was even talking to. But then I can't figure out, why not ask my friends where I'm at? They would know. And the thing that ponders me the most is: Why are guys so confusing? And is it me that makes them more confusing??

Good Times, Even Better Memories. . .

My best guy friend* Wyatt got married this past weekend. I can't describe the joy I felt in this moment. I was utterly so happy. I love his wife Kendra. (In a strictly platonic way, of course!) I will admit, when they first got together, I wasn't exactly thrilled. I had only met Kendra a handful of times and at the time, she was dating a guy I worked and hung out with who wasn't known for his good choice in ladies. I automatically assumed Kendra fit into this type of woman, so when Wyatt said that he was going on a date with her, my first thought was that he could do so much better. He is, after all, my best guy friend.
And I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that I was jealous that I was no longer #1 in Wyatt's life. But you see, Wyatt and I would not classify as Julia Roberts and Dermot Mulroney in My Best Friend's Wedding. We would have literally killed one another had we dated. And many people over the years have asked why Wyatt and I never got together, and I guess the simple fact remains, had we gotten together, we wouldn't have been friends. He's the one guy friend I call when I have guy problems because he tells it like it is. And he often tells me just how wonderful and attractive I am which also helps. I don't necessarily believe him when he tells me I'm hot, but it's the thought that counts. And Wyatt and I do get along like a couple. We finish each other's sentences, read each other's minds, and think alike. We also always have to be right, which is hard in a relationship when one person, mainly myself, usually is.
The moment I got to know Kendra, I liked her. She wasn't the person that I thought she was at all. She is a very sweet and caring individual. Plus she didn't care that Wyatt and I talked (and still talk) all the time. She didn't care if Wyatt and I had Wyatt and A time. She wasn't a jealous girlfriend like his last one. Who liked me and who enjoyed hanging out with me one on one ,but did not like Wyatt hanging out with me by himself. Plus Kendra was fun to hang out with on her own. I think that's a true test of girlfriends for your guy friends. If they can (and will) hang out with the other girl in their life they are keepers. Anyways, their wedding day just made me happy.

Also the wedding day was a great time for me getting to hang out with my friends and Wyatt's friends who I used to hang out with all the time. And who I may or may not have randomly kissed at some point in time. Those are always good memories. And as we all sat around talking and catching up I realized, I have a lot of blackmail type things on Wyatt. For only knowing him for 7 years, I had a lot of things on him. We had become instant friends when we worked together. I was around for a lot of "Oops" times. And I was around for a lot of his friends' "oops" times. And sometimes, I was involved in the "oops" times.

My next post will have to be the funny things that happened on that day. But today, I'm just reflecting on the memories. . .


*I know I may say my best guy friend to describe an array of guy friends but I think I rank them in terms of a top 10 or top 5. This way it can be 'best guy friend from high school' or 'best guy friend from college' whatnot. Wyatt's in my top 10 friends, let alone in the top 5 of guy friends. And seeing as I met him at the end of my senior year of college, I can't really attach him to anything besides guy friend and that's all.

Ahhh Memories. . .

Reading how Flenker of TPOL fame is moving and now has officially moved to Austin, it brought
back memories of me moving here. On Sept 7, it has been 3 years! It seems like yesterday! I remember slightly crying as I said goodbye. And right when I got out on the Interstate, I heard the Kelly Clarkson song "Break Away" and started singing it and crying at the top of my lungs.

I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly. Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye. I gotta take a risk. Take a chance. Make a change. And breakaway. Out of the darkness and into the sun. But I won't forget the place I come from. I gotta take a risk. Take a chance. Make a change. And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway.

Everytime I hear that song, I think of that day. And how scared I was. And I remember pulling into the apartment complex and walking up the stairs and Emily had put a sign on the door that said "Welcome A" It made my day.

And now I'm cheating a little bit but here is one of the first emails I sent from here. I've deleted certain things of course!!

Hey everyone!! Sorry to do the whole mass email thing, but it was recently brought to my attention from a few concerned folks that were worried that [my new state] was indeed a black hole and had swallowed me up. I guess I forgot to let some people know that I have made it alive and that [My new state] did not in fact kill me. So the mass email is so I don't forget anyone, and probably some of you might just not care anyway. . . but tough!!! And for those of you who didn't know I was even moving. . . I moved.

It was quite hectic and all before I moved considering I stayed and worked 2 weeks longer than I had liked plus also being homeless for about a month. I wasn't actually homeless I stayed with my buddies and old roommates Sarah and Meredith for about three weeks. I miss them so much now!!! Sniff, sniff. . . I'll try and control myself. . . Anyways here's just a little brief update on me...

I moved out here the week after Labor Day to live with a friend of the family (Emily). She and I were supposed to be roomies the entire year, but she got engaged in May and is getting married in December. Which sucks, but I guess I will survive. Her lease is up in her apartment in two weeks, so at the end of next week I am moving in with my cousin's wife's cousin. Confusing?!? She seems really nice and has a good heart, but she seems to tell me stories of guys she's dated and then they have some huge falling out and don't speak anymore. Which sort of leads me to believe she may be one of those stalker types. . . and thinks every guy is in love with her. She does know a TON of people so I'm hoping I can steal some of her friends! ;) I've gone out a couple of times with her and I'm sure to state that I know her because our cousins married one another. I really want people to give me a chance and not think I'm psychotic right off the bat and all. I really think that's something people should find out by themselves like you all have. I'm still hoping that the girl from the temp agency decides to move out of her parents house and be my roomie.
Oh temp agency you're wondering. . .Well the fourth day I was here I was at the library and asked this woman a question about where something in [my city] and we started talking and I told her my story about just moving here, and the girl across from us overheard and said she worked at [this agency] which is a temp agency. Well I went and applied on Wednesday and they had a job for me that Friday!!! Also on that Wednesday I went and applied for a job at the SuperTarget Starbucks and left with one that day too!!! Target was the only place I knew how to get to my first couple of weeks here. So basically I did temp work and worked at Starbucks for the first month. I was hoping to meet some people working at Starbucks, but at night I only work with junior and senior high school girls. I guess I could buy them alcohol or something. Great, then I'd be that creepy old girl who buys them alcohol. . .

Anyways, as luck would have it, I started a full time job last Wednesday at [my now current job]. You can look it up on the web if you would like. We review cases of children birth to 18 years that are in and out of custody and determine if their case has merit enough to receive money from the Federal SSN Office. This is judged on physical and/or mental disorders. Now the first question you might be asking is can't you just pretend you have mental disorders, and the answer is one probably could, but seeing as itmust be documented by a psychiatrist and reviewed every 6 months, I think the act would have to bepretty good. Where do I fit in to all this? Well, I am the one who reviews the cases and calls the doctors, case workers, foster care providers and see if the claim has merit. It's actually not too bad thus far. I just feel so horrible for some of these children though. There are quite a few sick adults/parents out there for sure. I actually feel I am doing something good for humanity with this job. Some of the cases though aren't children being abused, but the parents being abused by their children and the kids are taken out of the home. I definitely have some stories... anyway, hopefully my time there will be done in August so I can start Osteopathic School next September. I think that's about it. . . I haven't made any new friends really. Which is sad. How can I possibly replace the friends I've made?!? And in case any of you were wondering is 4.5 hours away from most of you, so if you would like to take a long road trip, I would love that!!! Emily works nights and on the weekends goes home to plan the wedding, so pretty much every weekend I go to my grandpas and hang out with them, my aunts, and uncles. Which I guess sounds pretty pathetic, but it is the first time in my life that I have been this close to them (an hour and a half), so I am taking full advantage. My aunt said that after I move in with [douche bag, psychotic ex roommate] I am only allowed to make friends with people my own age. I promise my life really isn't that hopeless right now. I'm settling fine. I've only been here a little over a month. . .
I guess I do have to take that back about the friends. I did make a new one on Sunday night. . . She's 70 and I met her at Starbucks. I know my aunt told me to start making friends my own age, but this was one neat 70 year-old. She actually told me I was her new best friend and is only going to come in when I am working. She actually just moved here two years ago and lives with her son and his family, so she said she knows exactly how I feel about not having friends. . . Well I guess that's it with the depressing, sob story about my life. (I'm really not all that depressed about it by the way...) I hope everyone is doing well. Feel free to drop me a line. I'll have time to read it!! ;)

It's weird how much life has changed since then. I've lost a grandpa since then. I cherish absolutely every moment I got to spend with him too. I'm not sure, but I think maybe God had something else in store for me. I didn't go back to school, but maybe I'm not supposed to yet. We'll see. We'll see. . . .

Why my Friends ROCK!

This past weekend I went over to my friend's house to watch a big rivalry college football game. These are also all the people I went out with when Boatman was in town. When I get there, I do make the announcement that I hope no one is too upset that they won't be seeing Boatman around anymore. To which Tim replies, "He was kind of a douche. And I didn't like him all that much. Plus you need someone much cooler. And outgoing. And quite frankly, you're a hottie and he's not. He's not even remotely cute. You can get someone much cuter. Plus later on in the evening I kind of just wanted to punch him in the face for being such a weirdo." This is why I LOVE Tim. Plus Tim had already pretty much told me this minus the said punching plan on Sunday when I called him and Jamie to tell them what happened after we got home.

During halftime, Robb and I went to get more gas for the grill and Robb says to me, "I know we're not that great of friends yet and all, but that guy last weekend, I didn't like him the moment I saw him. He didn't go out of his way to say hi or get to know us. And he should have especially if you're trying to date some girl. He just sat there all not talking and being kind of creepy. You can do a lot better. Whatever happened to that other guy I met who was really cool. The one that came to Jamie and Tim's that one night. I really liked him. " Thanks for bringing up Dean Cain, Robb! The one person I'm wanting to try and move on from since he can't seem to move on from his ex right now. Oh and who I haven't hung out with just the two of us since August 5th. THANKS!

Then as the boys were grilling, Christine brings up the fact that I just seemed a lot more perky and outgoing than Boatman. He was just not like that at all. Then Jamie says something about how my aura is huge and his is tiny and that just doesn't work out. And then Dean Cain is brought up again about being almost near perfect for me. Then later on Tim says something about how he just has this kind of feeling that Dean Cain and I are going to be getting married, but Dean just doesn't realize it yet. I think I need to make a memo to my friends on subjects not to bring up when I'm drinking. :)

The funny thing was then last night my neighbor (who also ate lunch with us that Saturday with Boatman) says she's happy I didn't settle because Boatman was just lame. Lame. I love it!!

At least I know I made a good judgement call on not giving that one a third shot. And I'm happy with that!!!

Yeah. . . My niceness has kicked me in the arse. . . Part Two

Boatman came, he saw, he left very sad and probably cussing me out all the way home. . . and I feel absolutely horrible about it!!

I think what started to first annoy me was the fact that as he was driving he started making fun of the state I live in. Don't do that. I grew up in the state you are coming from I know why it has a lot more to offer, but it also has the 3rd largest city in the US, so it's going to have more things. Then he texted me to see if I was going to take him to the Beverage.* I wasn't sure what exactly he meant so I said "Beverage*?? And no. It sucks. It's for young girls who like to dress slutty except on Fridays for happy hour. " And he said one of the guys he works with was talking about it. This should have been a clue. You see, Beverage* was my ex douche bag, psychotic roommate's favorite bar. So I told him, my friends are out a some different places, so we'll see when you get here. (On a side note, like right after his text, I got a text from some friends to come up to Beverage* for Happy Hour. And I did. HAHA!! You can't beat free food and 1/2 price drinks people!) Anyway, I might have had like 3 double rum and diets while there and ate some food. So by the time I get home, I'm sleepy and need to clean. After I clean (not very well mind you b/c I had been drinking), I decide to lay on the couch and watch TV in which I became very sleepy. Then when he finally gets here at 10:30, and I'm tired and really don't want to do anything. I was lucky that he didn't want to do anything either!! Friday night I did get out of having to sleep in the same bed with him seeing as he snores. . . and really I can't sleep when that happens! haha!!

So Saturday morning the day started off with us going to go to the the Farmer's Market. But you know what?? He's never heard of a Farmer's Market and apparently they don't have them in Chicagoland. Yeah. . . Pretty sure they do. And I found out he doesn't eat breakfast. I could eat breakfast for every meal of the day. Literally. He did enjoy the Farmer's Market though which was good. We went to one of my favorite places that also happens to be a bar that serves really good food and sat outside. This, however, was a sneaky plan on my part because A) my friend Jamie met us out and B) we started drinking at 2pm. So then around 3:30 my other friends Jamie and Tim met us out and then we just basically kept drinking until about 12 or 1am. I was not near as drunk as everyone else seeing as I paced myself the entire day/night so I could drive and be on the best defense. :) But really basically the jist of Saturday was that this man made fun of the state I lived in, yet I found out did not even experience the things that made the city he lives near so great. So why on earth are you mocking my city??? It just really upset me. Plus the fact that he seems to live in his own little bubble and chooses not to experience life.

Anyway, Saturday night we get home and decide to finish watching the movie we started on Friday night, House of Wax. Now, the only thing that made this movie great was that Paris Hilton dies. The woman cannot act to save her life, and I'm actually very sad that she wasn't the first person to die. Anyways, so please picture with me if you will, two people sitting and watching a horror movie on the couch. Then he turns to me and says, "so you want to kiss?" Now a number of things are running through my head at this point.

1) I've really been dreading this all night and have been trying to figure out what to say in case this moment came up.

2) He's a horrible kisser. I remember this from the last time which I have regretted ever since.

3) This is probably the perfect moment for me to tell him that he annoys me and I'm not the least bit attracted to him.

4) What kind of line is that anyway?!? I mean I could see if we were watching something funny and something like that came up on the TV or somethhing. And it was like the perfect moment to say a cheesy line such as that. But no. We're watching a horror movie (a slightly cheesy one but still) and in the middle of someone's death scene you ask me that?!?

It is at this point in time that I tell him it wouldn't be a good idea. When he asks why I simply state that I would hate to do anything with you because I don't want to lead you on. And when he asks what do you mean I simply state that I told you that I didn't think I wanted a long distance relationship and I'm pretty sure now that I don't. And then after discussing things over and over again he keeps telling me that having someone live close is ideal. IDEAL to have someone live like an hour and a half away. Right then I realize he doesn't use common sense or judgement and that reality is not a world he sometimes lives in. So I still chicken out of course and never say it's really him except I do add in there that he's not one to change persay and that would be a problem with the whole distance thing.

And I did tell him in an email 2 weeks before he came that I wasn't sure how I felt and I didn't think I wanted a long distance relationship. So he should have had some inkling. Well he says he knew this was going to happen anyway yet he still came here to see me. And as he's telling me he doesn't want to be my friend "because he has enough friends" he basically says that he knew the minute I sat down by him on the couch at the hotel after the reception that we just clicked and that he could tell how wonderul and great I was. I, of course, respond with a thank you. And he says, "Didn't you feel it?? It was so strong!" To which I reply, "No. I wasn't feeling much of anything to be honest. I had just been molested/groped by my friend's husband, so that's pretty much what I was feeling." (I do realize I may or may not be going to hell. But it was the truth.) To which he replies, "So the only reason you sat by me on the couch was to get away from your friend's husband?" Me: "Yes." He then tells me that he thought we had something great and that since he has enough friends I was more someone he was looking to marry. We've known eachother for maybe 2 months, hung out twice (3 times if you count the 20 minutes sitting by him on the couch) and he thought he was going to marry me and we weren't even dating. That's just nuts!!!

Basically he then turns into a complete baby about everything which I can kind of see because he probably drove all the way here to get some from me. (No one should expect that though!)But seriously, when someone sends you an email telling you, they're not sure how they feel and you respond that you feel the same way, shouldn't you at least have an inkling?? He acts as though my response came out of nowhere. So as I am somewhat honest and say I wasn't sure. . . He's completely sure he wants to marry me. This is not the same thing. He should have known.

I still feel bad about it. Almost. I know I should have told him before he drove all this way, yes, but I did honestly think that maybe, JUST MAYBE, perhaps something would happen. But really what happened was that he annoyed me completely and I found him to be a spoiled brat and a big baby. And I still felt no attraction towards him. I guess it's a learning experience for the future. And I can pretty much tell my mom "I told you so" which is always nice.

So now back to the dating game. . . .

*This name has been changed to pretty much try and protect my whereabouts in case someone stumbles across this and realizes I am actually talking about them. I do know at the moment the 4 people who read this blog, know who I am and where I live, but you never know when celebrity might strike!

Yeah. . . my niceness finally has kicked me in the arse. Part One.

So. . . Boatman is coming this weekend. Can you tell how excited I am about this?!? No?!? Oh that's right. I'm not. And I have no idea why I agreed to it in the first place. And first thing this morning I get an email (right when I think I am going to write him an email reiterating that I don't know how I feel about him in hopes that would change his mind from coming) that says "How are you doing today? I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend."

Okay I do know how I feel about him--I don't feel about him. No spark, no chemistry, just annoyance. That's what that is. And how can you write an email reiterating you don't know how you feel when someone tells you how much they look forward to seeing you? You can't. It's mean either way. JUST MEAN.

And then later I get an email saying that I never commented on his second comment. I'm sorry, I didn't realize I needed to.

I just hope I don't kill him this weekend.