Happy Birthday America!

I don't know why that every time I think about the 4th of July, Bill Pullman's words in Independence Day come to mind and I always say in my head, in his voice "We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence!"

By the way, I totally had to make sure that was Bill Pullman and not Bill Paxton. I think there's a game called Pullman or Paxton because they are in soo many movies and kind of look alike. Bill PULLMAN was in While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and Bill PAXTON was in Twister with Helen Hunt. Oh and Bill Paxton is in the HBO Show Big Love. I don't know what Bill Pullman is doing now. :)

It's weird as this is the first 4th of July in a long time that I'm not going to my parents. Five years ago I went up to H's, and we had a great time. Granted, the reason I am not going is because my friends Erin and Matt are getting married here! I'm super pumped. Please pray for no rain on Saturday. The best part about it, is that Erin's new last name and first name will officially rhyme. She'll be like Julia Goolia. . . but cooler.

I have 2 major groups of friends that I have here. The 1st one is my Friday Sand Volleyball group and are the people I first became friends with when I moved here. They are all pretty much married and were coupled up when I met them except for like a few single ones. The 2nd group is my Kickball/Softball group who I met after I had lived here a year. They were mostly all single guys and gals. That's where Matt falls in, and like a year or so later, Erin came into our friend picture. They are the first group of the singles to get married here. And coincidentally are marrying each other. It will be nice to see everyone dressed up too as we are usually playing sports or meeting out at night in dressed down attire. I guess sometimes we might be dressed up from work and meeting for happy hour, but usually we're in jeans or something.

Speaking of marrying. . . my friend Christine last weekend brought up the fact that I need to get back into dating so I can get married and have kids. She even went so far as saying that I should do online dating, and if I did, she would actually do all the leg work for me. As in, she would screen all the guys that were interested in me and then talk to them and find out more and then narrow it down to potentials. I think this sounds like an excellent idea. That's what happened the ONE time I did it. I didn't really screen the super persistent guy that was wanting to go on a date. I mean, I should have known going into the date the guy was 5'4 and not into athletics. And this would cut into the awkward "Hey you're meeting my friends" thing because she has already approved him. I think it's a Win/Win situation here.

Who knows?? I mean, I do know I have very entertaining dating stories. :)

I hope everyone has a safe and fun 4th of July!!

If only I. . .

I am always trying ways to improve myself. Improve my well-being, my mind, etc.

I'm always working on my weight which I think every girl (and some guys) do.

However, there is one thing that I can never seem to gain:

Confidence when it comes to guys.

I can't.

And I try and try and try. If you were to meet me in person, you would never know that deep down inside, I'm a little shy. You would never know how I absolutely hate going places by myself. I hate it. It makes me absolutely nervous. But after travelling alone on an airplane for the first time, you get over that a little. I travel all the time for work alone. But I hate meeting people at bars or restaurants by myself. It gives me great anxiety. I'm always afraid they will never show up.

I've never had that happen to me either. It's just always a fear. I mean, yes, I did date a guy who would make plans with me weeks in advance, and then bail, but never at a restaurant. He was always set to pick me up. . . and then didn't. I guess it only happened twice and after that, I quit taking his advanced plans seriously. I was never abandoned as a child. Although, my Mom on 2 separate occasions did forget me at piano lessons.

Today I was at lunch with 2 of my guy friends. And they were talking about this girl who one of them referred to as a "Butter Face." Meaning she has a rocking body, but her face. . . Then we started talking about another girl they had talked about the last time we were all together and they said "well I guess she has a cute face, but she's fat."

Now, you might be thinking these guys are jerks and well, I think in a way they are. But I said "Ummm. . . I would hate to think what you guys say about me when I'm not here!" And they both said "We like you though!"

I emailed my bgf and told him the story and he said "They say those things about you because they don't think that about you. . . and neither do any guys in IL."

I cannot explain why I have zero self-confidence in the guy department. I have no idea why I feel this way about myself. I may very well be prettier in the face than I think I am. I'm chubby, no where near skinny that is or at my optimum weight. I am not someone you would look twice at if you saw me on the street. I would say I am average looking in the face. I have been told I am pretty. And yes, I see other girls and I think to myself "Well I am prettier than that girl, so why does that guy like her more than me?" And thus, probably why I feel the way I do.

Maybe part of it is that I have really pretty friends and relatives. I've always had pretty people in my life and have always felt like the ugly, fat one. And if you knew my sister, you know why I feel this way. Up until about her junior year of college, she was a size 2 and I was a size 12 my junior year of high school. My 2nd cousins were blessed with these tall, skinny blond hair jeans. I mean, really, how can one compete with that? My friends from high school, all are gorgeous and still are. It really isn't fair. I mean, Steph--you're reading this now--and you look smoking hot for having a baby a month ago. If you saw my old roommate Sarah, you'd understand too. Seriously, why don't I hang around ugly people?? I really am starting to think this is a fantastic idea.

Almost every time one of my guy friends meets a friend of mine from high school or college or sees a picture, they all say "Woah, your friend is hot! Is she single?" Every time. Luckily at this point in my life, I can honestly say "No, she's married. Just like almost every other friend of mine." ;)

Maybe my lack of self-confidence is the reason I don't notice when a guy is hitting on me. I only ever notice the weird guys. And maybe the reason I automatically make guys I meet my friends is due to my self-confidence. Or maybe it's because when I was feeling great about my body, the guy I was in love with, still didn't want me. How do I break that feeling or pattern?? Rachel yelled at me the other day when I said something about being fat and then stuck out my belly to really drive my point home in my fatness. :) And yes, I do know that eating right and working out play into the whole losing weight thing. I just apparently don't like eating right and working out at the moment.

Sorry to be all self-reflective and whatnot, but today's lunch conversation really bothered me. I am not meaning to be a Debbie Downer as I know we all have things that bother us about ourselves. We don't always look in the mirror and see what others see. And yes, I do know I have a very bubbly personality and a nice smile and guys should really fall in love with that part of me.

I know my friends didn't mean anything bad towards me when they said what they said, but when you feel that way about yourself and then your guy friends are talking about girls like that, it makes it hard.

Plus, I'm 31 and no one has swept me off of my feet, Darn it! So I can't help but wonder that maybe this is why. My Dad says it's because I'm perhaps too picky and the fact that I always have to be right. I told him to tell me a time I was wrong, and I would gladly accept that I am not always right. He couldn't tell me a time, but I had a few for him. My Mom laughed hysterically. :)

Don't you want to stay??

Seriously, I am really happy I listen to music at work because it has made it easy finding titles to my posts.

I would like to state for the record that "You're Welcome." Mainly because I spared you guys some posts. I was going through my posts and apparently I went on a tangent of Paris Hilton after her Piers Morgan interview. And then followed that with my disgust of the View interview she apparently had. So you're welcome I never uploaded that one. :)

The other one was apparently written in December when I was feeling lovey dovey. And the opening line was "Why is it when you finally find someone that makes you laugh until it hurts, smile for no reason, brightens your day with a "hi" that you can't for the life see yourself with that person and am not even sure you're attracted to them?"

Again. . . you're welcome.



Also, I found that whole "Stats" button on my blog like 6 months ago. Yeah, I know, I really delved into the blogger functions when I started my blog. :) Anyway, it really worries me that the main thing that sends people to my blog is "I want to kill my neighbor" or "neighbour" because a) I'm pretty sure that post will not give you great directions for that and b) they are probably severely disappointed once they read the content. In a close second though is "I think I just vomited in my mouth. . ." Oh the things people apparently google!

I finally saw "Bridesmaids" and I thought it was pretty funny. I snorted like 5 times, which is usually a good sign. The funny part was that I could totally sympathize with Kristen Wiig's character. I've been in weddings like that where one person is trying to trump the other girls in the wedding as being the closest. I never tried to top the other girl, but it always cracked me up. And also felt her pain as everyone else around her is married.

I really want to see the movie "Bad Teacher." It looks awesome. I hope it doesn't disappoint!

And on a side note, I have a huge crush, and I pray that it turns into something. The more I talk to him and hang out with him, the more and more I find out how adorable he is. Then my roommate brings me back from Cloud 9 by reminding me that he said the phrase on Saturday "I'll be rolling up with my friends" and then I came back down. Randomly, he throws out gangsta phrases, and where as I often throw out "A to the izzo" on a sign off, he's doing it straight up in conversation. I usually do it to be funny because I am as far from hip hop as one might get. If that's his only flaw though, I'll take it. Because right at the moment, I see none.
I do appreciate her bringing me back to reality. It keeps me grounded.

This weekend I'm heading home for Father's Day. . . and my friend's wedding. . . and my nephew's Baptism in which I am the Godmother again. I also am picking up my friend's dog from her in laws so it saves them a 4 hour trip. I don't think I could pack anymore into a weekend.

Enjoy the beautiful weather!!!

Somewhere Else

Sorry, I couldn't think of a title and that's the song in my head. It's Toby Keith. It's a great song. :)

Anyway, it's pretty official in my life that I am now "Good Luck Chuck." I found out Friday at Happy Hour, that the guy I dated last year, the guy that was dating me and another girl at the same time and broke up with me, is engaged. To that girl. Granted, I didn't necessarily want to marry him, but still. It's a little dagger. I do want to get married. Just wondering where my Prince Charming is I guess.

All weekend my roommate referred to me as Chuck. We're very nice to each other. I told her yesterday I was thinking that I was going to quit hanging out with her and start hanging out with "ugly" people with no personality so I looked prettier and would stand out. She's pretty and has big boobs, so I think I need to increase my chances of meeting a guy, you know??


But honestly, I don't want to dwell on it. Yes, I'm old, but I want to be happy, too, and not settle. H and I talked about how I could have been married to Boatman if I really wanted to be. And pushed aside my feelings of being happy, really enjoying the other person's company, and not having good conversation. Basically she told me I made a good decision and not pursuing that one. I also brought this up with Robb and Christine on Monday night and Robb said "Oh man, the only thing good about that guy was that he bought us a round of drinks."



Anyway, on to bigger and better things in no particular order! I do use the term "better" very loosely here. . .



I feel that Reese Witherspoon and I would be best friends. I'm totally basing this off of her comment at the MTV Movie Awards which I didn't watch but heard about later. She said exactly what I think about some of the "famous" people nowadays. Plus, we also both apparently find Jake Gyllenhaal attractive.



A few weeks ago, I asked the roommie to mow the lawn when I was back in IL. She did and then one of the neighbors asked me later if I let a kid mow the lawn. I had noticed it was patchy, but sometimes the shade does some weird things. Later that day she made the comment, "Woah, that is a super bad mow job." I guess if I can't get to the lawn, I will pay the neighbor boy $20 to do it. Plus he picks up all the sticks and mulches. What a great kid! I guess he'd be a better kid if he just did it without getting paid, huh?

I hate how at the beginning of May, I thought "Man, my summer is going to be nice and relaxing and I only have one wedding." Yeah, I am trying to find a free weekend now. Booo! I will enjoy every last minute of it though.

I am dying to visit my friend Steph and baby Vinnie, but we kept going back and forth with dates and either I was busy or they were. :( But it made me think. Steph and I have been friends since the age of 3. And Vinnie and Caden are a week apart in age. It's just too funny! That should be my kid not my sister's!

I think it's funny how friendships change over time though. Or how at one time, you were almost inseparable from a person, and now, you don't even know if they still work for the same place or are dating someone but you did a year ago. But I do like how you become expectantly closer to other people, and the highlight of your day is when you hear from them. Like last night when I got a text that said "I hope your popcorn tonight was better than my popcorn at volleyball. It was terrible. . ." An out of the blue and random text yes, but earlier in the day I had told him that I hope he has fun sweating his arse off at volleyball, while I am sitting in the nice luxury of air conditioning and eating popcorn at the bar.

Or how you can be good friends with someone and not talk all that often, but it's like nothing has changed. That's what I love the most about friends. Being good friends and not needing to talk all the time and still knowing you're good. And it's those friends that you always know are there for you and you're never far from their mind. Like when they text you and tell you that they saw someone trip on the street and fall, and it made them think of you.

Happy Hump Day!

With or Without You

That's the song playing on the radio right now.

And you give yourself away, and you give, and you give, and you give yourself away. . .

I think that almost describes me sometimes. Giving myself away. I was always told I was a giver (not that kind dirty, dirty, minded people) but a giver of things in life.

Giver of Hugs, giver of smiles, giver of my time and energy. . .

My parents taught me very strong values that when I look back, I didn't realize they were inadvertently teaching me that in my adult life and in my personality. My Dad can be slightly selfish (Sorry Dad, you know it's true) but at the same time, he's one of the most giving and caring people I know. If you are a good friend of one of his good friends or a family member, he would do anything for you. He'd drive to Ohio (2 States over) and pick up my Mom's best friend's Son whose car broke down on a road trip and tow it back. Even if you're a good friend of mine and need something and my Dad has never met you, he'd do that. That's just how he is.

Sometimes I wish he hadn't have taught me that, you know?? I really want to be that mean, cranky person who people don't expect stuff from. Just once I'd like to say "Nope, sorry" and be done with it. But alas, that's not who I am, and I'll never be that overly selfish person.

Man, that wasn't even the topic I was going to write about. . . .stupid, stupid song. . .