Wednesday, January 16, 2013

It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to. . .

I went to go write a blog post and that's the phrase that pops in my head. . . awkward.

I've been busy people.  Busy.  I think I'm going to state something I've been noticing as a trend. . . when I first started reading blogs. . . everyone was blogging and updating their blog like every day. . . sometimes numerous times and I would be soo excited to read them.  Then more and more people I think joined Facebook and less blogging happened. . . then I'm guessing these same awesome writers joined twitter so then they had all these other outlets to pour out their hilariousness so then they don't update their blogs every day.  That or they got married and had kids, and apparently kids are time consuming. . .

I've never been a daily updater. . . so I'm at least safe from ridicule, right??

I turned 33 yesterday.  I feel old.  Man, do I feel old.  I'm getting to the age where I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me my future. . . because honestly at 22, I thought my life would be different.  It also makes it pretty obvious I am not in control of my life.  If I was, Channing Tatum and I would be happy together with like 3 kids.  

My New Year's Resolution was to "not sweat the small stuff" and to not take things personally.  If you're a long time reader, you will remember that I like to make my resolution rhyme with the year, but you try and rhyme thirteen with something creative.

I realized that I take things way to personally.  This really became apparent while doing online dating and it only made me feel ugly and undateable.  I instantly went with "why am I not pretty enough for this guy" or "what's wrong with my profile that he won't respond" or "what's wrong with me."  And then my guy friend said something to me as we were driving to the bar (and as a visual, he poked me in the head) "Your problem isn't with the guys that don't want you and what's wrong with you.  It's in your head (which is when he poked me) because you don't see what all the rest of us see.  You don't see how funny, pretty, and caring you are, and you can't expect a guy to see that if you don't."   This was the same guy that was mad at me for doing online dating in the first place.  I tried telling him how I grew up with everyone always telling me how beautiful my sister was and I was always this fat, ugly version of her.  I showed him a picture which then caused him to hit me and say "Oh my God. . . you look exactly alike you idiot."   As I type that out, I'm starting to realize he might be an abusive friend.  :)   But he's right.  I was telling Wyatt about it and he said "Umm, thanks for listening to someone you've been friends with for a few years and not listening to me for like the last 10."

So that's basically what I'm working on this year.  I do take things personally and automatically think "what's wrong with me" when it's really "What's wrong with that person??"  I really don't know what happened to the little confidence I did have.  I'm thinking the weight I gained the last few years ate it.  I realized that I never work on myself either.  It's a habit.  I'm always wanting to help other people and not help myself.  So I'm doing that too.

I'm also really beginning to see the reason certain things happen.  And happy they happened that way.  If, 6+ years ago, I would have told the guy I was in love with, I was indeed in love with him when we asked, would  my life be different??  I've seen the way he's changed and not in a good way.  And I couldn't imagine being with the person he's become.  All the guys I've "dated" over the years have each taught me something about what I do and don't want in a guy.

I'm also stuck in a job that I love but without any love back from my company.  Yet, yesterday I got an email that said "You are a miracle worker and a blessing to me. Thanks for all you do for the youth, and for answering all my questions."  I know I'm good at my job and I know the people that really matter know that.  Now if they could give me raises, that would be nice, but. . . baby steps.  They do send me jobs I might be interested in from time to time because even they hate my boss.  I'm sure what I do could definitely be leading me somewhere else. . . we shall see.  

Happy New Year everyone. . . hopefully I can keep my resolution all year!  :)