Why I have been in a mood. . .

My friend is dying. I hate saying that. Maybe she isn't. Maybe there will be some miracle.

I still have this hope that it is “might be” dying but alas the last time I saw her I can’t shake the image of the person I saw. The same sweet smile, the same bubbly personality, the same optimistic attitude, but alas not the same strong body I was used to seeing.

I guess here is the long story quasi short:

Josie was diagnosed with breast cancer at the age of 25 in Feb '05 and then was in "remission" for almost a year or so. Then in October '07, she was going in for a check up. She was literally walking out of the office with a "alls good!" when she made the comment to the doctor that she had had a cough for 2 months. The Doc ordered a CT scan and that's when they discovered she had cancer in her right lung, rib cage lining, and liver. Her lung was filled with fluid and for about 2-3 months kept collapsing because the cancer had caused a hole in her lung.

In Feb '08 they thought the cancer in her liver was rotting from the inside only to discover it was metastasizing at an alarming rate, however, the cancer in her right lung and rib cage lining had disappeared. Her doctor that she was with through the breast cancer said she couldn't do anymore and that Josie should think about Hospice. Josie said "Hell no! It's gone 2 out of 3 places!" So she then switched drs since the other one wanted to put her on Hospice.

For 10 months the liver cancer tumor shrunk to 1/2 its size. Then they put her on a chemo "holiday" for a month in November. It was a month later though the tumor grew back to over double its size and ever since then no other chemo treatment has seemed to control it. They couldn't put her back on the old chemo treatment because it had seriously depleted her bone marrow. She's hoping to qualify for a trial that might help. But she's very weak and super sick now. I was with her in March, and if you didn't know she was sick, you wouldn't have guessed it. In April, when I saw her for her 30th bday, she had lost some weight, but nothing too major.

So it was very hard to see her now. But I'm glad I went. She is nothing but skin and bones now and a 6-month preggar belly. The preggar belly being caused by all the fluid she is retaining now. 2.5 Liters a day. And so she doesn’t have to go to the hospital everyday like she has the last month, they inserted a catheter so she can drain herself. Before we ate she had to drain so she could have room in her stomach. My friend is nothing but a trooper. She honestly said to me "So I guess you know it's not good." Like I couldn't tell by looking at her.

She had to go into the hospital on Friday. Her electrolytes were out of whack. She slept mostly. Today she'll find out more. More about the tumors. More about how her life will change.

I cried all weekend. I got home from my friend's birthday and I bawled. I can't stop. I can't sleep. And I know if she knew it was affecting me this badly, she'd hit me. Tell me to snap out of it. Tell me, she's still here, living life. So I shouldn't cry now. Cry later. But it's hard. It's hard to be so far away from her. It's hard not being able to talk to her. She was never much of a talker on the phone anyway, but now she's too weak to even text back. Her husband tried to answer her emails but she gets to many he said and it would be a full time job to answer them.

Did I mention, she's still working her job?? Yeah. That's her.

The whole time I was with her a week and a half ago, I pretended she didn't look different. Pretended she didn't look sick. I pretended everything was okay. Until I left her. That's when I cried.

I watched my grandparents slowly die. And it was painful. But for some reason, for me anyway, it's soo much harder to watch my friend.

**UPDATE-Josie now has a tumor in her brain. :( But the bone scans came back clear, so that is really good. She's a fighter, and is ready to fight the brain tumor head on too. No pun intended.