That's the title of one of my favorite Eddie Money songs. Josie loved 80s music as do I, and often in college we would rock out to Eddie Money's greatest hits. It's strange when something you know is probably going to happen but you somehow have this hope that it won't turn out the way you think it will.
My friend Josie passed away on Saturday. Words cannot express the heartache that I feel. I can't seem to quit crying. I don't do it as much when people are around me, but when I'm alone I just bawl. I'm not a big cryer in front of people. But I guess that's what happens when you lose someone you loved so much. My friends have been absolutely the best though about making sure I'm not alone too much. Which is nice that they put up with me getting silent and grabbing a Kleenex. I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take sometime.
I'm so happy that I got to see her a month ago. And hug her. And tell her that I love her. I will miss her trying to always get me to do things that made me really uncomfortable. She always made me step out of my box of comfortableness. I will miss her raw energy. Her strength.
I bought a card last Wednesday that I never sent. It said:
"I believe in mind over matter. I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small. I believe in the human spirit to prevail. I believe in possibilities. I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us." And in the inside it said "I believe in you."
I thought it was a great card for her while she started her radiation treatments for the tumor that was now in her brain as well as the pesky one that was growing in her liver. My heart hurts especially for her husband. They were only married for 2 years. It's not fair. Finding your soul mate and then losing her so soon. I have so many memories of her and the both of them. Her Mom wrote on Facebook that she was happy that she didn't wake up sobbing today. I can't imagine the hurt they are going through when I hurt so bad.
Josie sent updates every month or so in mass email so she wouldn't have to write different emails. Sometimes when there was no news really, she'd just text me with the results. So John that night she died, sent out something that I'm sure broke his heart. Here's John's words and Josie's last email:
Hey all, it’s John. I hate to tell everyone this way, but my wife was always prompt and organized so she would want me to get this out asap. Josie died today after 5 years of battling this shitty disease. She woke up and told us she couldn’t fight anymore and spent the rest of the day comfortable and surrounded by loved ones. Josie was in the middle of one of her famous “updates” to let everyone know what she has been going through the last few weeks and I attached it below. In true Josie form she didn’t get to finish it because she didn’t have all the information needed to give a complete (4 page) update. My wife is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and it was the honor of my life to be married to her and hold her hand through this long journey. The void she left is immeasurable and luckily we’ve had the chance to talk about her legacy the past few nights. You all were her strength and she loved having you in her life. She wanted to be cremated and some of her ashes spread in San Diego (Sunset Cliffs in OB) but the rest we’ll decide this week. Love JD
From Josie:
Goodness, goodness where to start… First of all, we don’t even know how to thank you all enough for your support, prayers and everything good you have all been sending our way – even when many of you have had very limited information over the last couple of weeks as I’m sure many of you have heard just bits and pieces of random info. As many of you know, John and my Mom admitted/took me into the hospital on Friday, August 7th, after many days of being incoherent and nodding off while working, texting, driving :)Physically, we received pretty immediate bad news. Many of my symptoms seemed to be pointing towards issues of confusion so they got me in right away for a scan of my noggin/brain and unfortunately learned that there has been metastasized disease spread to the brain – which they truly haven’t scanned for until this point. They immediately got me in for 3 radiation treatments to my brain on Wed, Thurs & Friday, and now will start the final 7 of the 10-total radiation treatments that they think may have some chance of stopping their growth and buying me some lucid quality time. I go in this morning for first of the combined brain/liver chemo.This is by far the hardest and most honest email I’m going to have to send everyone, as they have been very honest with us this time that my body can’t handle what it could even just a month ago, and it could only be weeks that I have left… Wow… what a strange thing to have to put in writing. I just want everyone to know I’m feeling better and love everyone so much. Love,Josie, John and Barker
I know my life won't ever be the same without her in it, and I can't imagine where my life would have been had she not been it. She was a ray of sunshine. I will miss her deeply.
A
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