What to do. . . What to do. . .

My dear friend asked me today what I was wanting to do for my birthday. . . the dreaded 30th Birthday. And the truth is. . . I don't know.

What I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

She said that she needs to know so we can start planning something. She doesn't want my birthday to come and go and me wish that I had a party and be disappointed that I didn't.

I can't even figure out what to be for Halloween, let alone figure out what I want to do for my birthday. I don't even know what to do with my life!

I feel bad that in recent months I've been a Debbie Downer on this blog. I can't help it. But as I grow closer to my 30th bday, I realize more and more that my life is no where, where I thought it would be. I am doing nothing that I thought at the age of 21 that I would be doing when I reached 30.

What I thought I would be doing:

• I would be a Dr in Sports Medicine.
• I would be happily married to my prince charming.
• I may or may not have a kid or 2.
• I would be happy in life.
• I would be happy in my career.
• I would be settled.

In case you were keeping track. . . my life isn't anywhere near that. I think the important thing is that on the first one, I realized that I am pretty sure that's not where I want to be. The other 5, I'm pretty sure that's what I want. Maybe not now even. And I know when I was 25, and I saw my former prince charming getting married. . . I realized that's not what I wanted at the time, so maybe that's good. I would just take being happy and settled. But. . . I'm not even feeling that lately.

I do know H said that she feels I am doing surprisingly well for my recent circumstances. And I say thank you. I'm glad to know that it's perfectly normal to cry almost every night albeit a lot more recently.

And as much as I complain about my life I am so thankful for those people that are in my life. I'm thankful for my wonderful family, my wonderful friends (well some of them are more wonderful than others lately *cough, cough), and that I am in good health (knock on wood). I am thankful for the people that I had the chance to know that are no longer with me, and I think that because of them I am a better person.

And maybe it's hard because Josie won't be here to celebrate my birthday like she had for so many years. I don't know. And maybe it's hard for me because I'm not that person that thinks about myself. I think it's sort of a fault of mine. I'm so used to thinking of other people and used to doing things for other people rather than myself, that it's hard for me to think of things for myself.

Would just telling her to surprise me be appropriate???

Eh?!?

So. . . I'm going on a 3rd date. . .after the not so promising 2nd date. . . maybe 3rd time's a charm??? Or am I just that desperate to find love?? It could be a combo of both. But I also think it's because everyone keeps saying maybe one more time. . . . My friend also said "Well hey, Free Meal, right??" To which I replied. . . "He didn't even buy me frickin ice cream after I made him dinner. . . so not really sure that whole "Free Meal" thing would exist!!"

But back to more important things. . . like this. . .

In case you're lazy and don't want to click on the button. . . here is the Cliff's Note version:

This kid started stealing around age 12/13 and now is 18 years-old. In 2007, he was sentenced to a juvenile facility and was doing well so they released him to a half-way house where he escaped. And now, for the last 18 months he's been stealing money, etc and now has started to steal airplanes and take them for joy rides. The cops have been unable to catch him.

But just in case you were wondering. . .here is what his Mom had to say about her child's behaviors:

His mother said she doesn't see anything wrong with what he's suspected of doing. "I hope to hell he stole those airplanes — I would be so proud," Pam Kohler told a reporter, noting her son's lack of training. "But put in there that I want him to wear a parachute next time."

And then this gem:
Kohler hopes her son makes his way to a country that won't extradite him. She said she sometimes talks to him on the phone, but she won't let on if she knows where he is.
"I figure I'll spend my time with him in a positive way," she said, "because who knows if he'll be shot tomorrow?"

Well, maybe it's just me. . . but while it sounds fun what he is doing much like the movie, shouldn't your parental instincts tell you, "Hey, I want to spend my time with him in a positive way and not be shot, so maybe I should just have him turn himself in so it doesn't come to that." Or say so he doesn't DIE in a plane crash?? I do understand jail isn't what you would call "positive" but still. . . I bet his Mom is getting some of this money he's stealing . . .

The 411 on my date. . .

I feel bad that D$ and I have been playing phone tag and that she said "Well you haven't even updated your blog either and I'm dying to know!!" So. . . here it is. . . (Hopefully you'll read this after work tonight. . .)

To say I was disappointed in my date would be an understatement. And maybe I'm too picky and expect too much for the 2nd date. . . but also, isn't the 2nd date where you're trying to win me over??

Here's what we did:
He was already at my place when I got home from work. I made the cheese bread/tomato thing that I had talked about on Date #1 that he wanted to try. We ate it. We talked. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said "I don't care." And since I didn't want to just sit around my house on the 2nd date, I suggested going to the bar and playing pool, darts, or SilverStrike. So we went to one of my favorite dive bars and played 6 games of darts in which I beat him in every game. :) I'm really not the type to let people beat me. . . unless it's children. I'll usually lose to children. We went and got ice cream then came home and he left around 9ish because he had to be at work at like 7am the next day. So. . .

Here's why I'm not sure there will be a 3rd date:

• He said he wasn't hungry for dinner after we had the appetizer which was fine, but I might have still been hungry. (Am I wrong??)
• I gave him a Laffy Taffy. . . and he didn't read me the joke. I had eaten mine after he ate his and read him my jokes yet he didn't even make mention that he didn't read me his. They are Laffy Taffy's. . . they have frickin jokes! (Not necessarily a deal breaker though.)
• While he did buy the pitcher and 3 out of the 6 games of darts, he did not buy my ice cream when we went to get ice cream. Even though I made him dinner AND gave him the leftovers to take home. He did not spend the $2.94 for my ice cream. I thought this was weird. We were on a date. My guy friends buy me pitchers.
• He didn't even try and dress up for the 2nd date. He wore a hooded sweatshirt. Which really isn't a big deal to me what you wear and say if I knew you already and it wasn't our 2nd meeting. I mean TRY a little for the 2nd date. I should have just put on a sweatshirt too!
• He didn't hug me goodbye and I had at least been consciously trying to flirt all night!!
• I'm still not feeling the physical attraction to him.

Of course, these might seem pretty petty in not really liking someone. But I'm thinking that if I was physically attracted to him that maybe it wouldn't matter. But even my friend Jeremy said that he should have bought the ice cream. I think that's the one that gets me the most. And Jeremy is the one that asked what he wore on the date. Haha! I think he was just seeing if the guy was trying everywhere else. Jeremy also didn't get the not reading of the Laffy Taffy. As did the complete random stranger in the bathroom at the bar on Friday night after Jamie followed me into the bathroom basically yelling at me. But that's for later. . .

What also gets me is how some of my friends feel it's okay that guys don't try on dates. If you're trying on the date, shouldn't the guy try?? I mean, if I was dating someone where I knew he was tight on money, would I expect him to buy the ice cream? No. But he's got a lot of money. He's a pharmacist. And he's been living with his parents the last 3 years saving up to build a house. So yes, he's got money. And I'm the one that made the dinner. He brought the tomato from his Dad's garden and a loaf of french bread. I supplied the cheese, miracle whip, and seasoning as well as made and cooked the meal. So I basically contributed the most to the original "meal." Am I wrong?? Do I not deserve some wining and dining?

Now for my Friday night. . . I was out for Jamie's birthday and while pretty much everyone told me that I should wait and see if he calls me (which by the way he did. . . on Friday night. . . a day later) Jamie basically got mad at me for not even really wanting to try a 3rd date. Her husband agreed with me, especially because I wasn't feeling it. But Jamie felt (very firmly) that I needed to have a 3rd date because she doesn't want me to be alone anymore and wants me to get married and have babies. Then she followed me into the bathroom and brings up Dean. As in Dean is the reason that I'm not attracted to this guy. Which probably didn't help that Dean brought the new girl he's seeing out. And I said "Well I can name on both hands, guys that I am attracted to that I have met in the last 4 months, and I'm not attracted to this guy at the moment." And she said "Whatever" and walked out of the bathroom. So that's when I apologized to the person in the other stall and told her what was up. And she agreed with me. Her actual deal breaker was the Laffy Taffy! hahaha!!!!

So that's it. That's all I have. Any advice?? I'm going to call him back and try a 3rd date. But if I'm still not feeling it, I don't think that I can go out with again. And maybe it's because I'm not in the same frame of mind I was 2 months ago. But I would think that I would still feel love if it was around me you know?? Plus I keep going back to Wine Rep and although he was a full blown douche bag, he really did wine and dine me. Literally. I would get meals, drinks, and cases of wine. Sometimes, I would just get wine. Whenever. By the case. . . so. . . perhaps I'm just wanted to be treated like a princess for awhile. Is that wrong??

Date #2

Tonight is Date #2!! Or did you not get that from the title??

Well I'm hoping it goes well. . . I also love the things my friends' have given me for advice.

My neighbor and friend Mike just emailed me with this "Hope you have fun tonight, our game got canceled so I'll be sitting on my deck having a PBR and holding my softball bat in my lap when he comes to get you..." That's sooo sweet!

There are a few things that exist though with this guy.

One is that I'm not 100% sure I'm physically attracted to him. But am assured that this might not happen right off the bat. I hope so. The girls told me to wait until after the 3rd date to see. My guy friends said the 5th. Do you notice something different???

Two is that I suggested cooking but really wasn't wanting to cook. He is bringing me tomatoes so I can make the tomato thing I was telling him about. I was told that I should make that as an appetizer and then make him take me out to dinner. I tend to agree. Do I really want to sit around my place all night on the 2nd date??? No.

Third is that I have no idea what to do. It's raining outside and cold. I guess no walks outside tonight. Perhaps we can go to Karaoke somewhere.

Fourth is that Mac brought up that I should not mention Dean whatsoever. I did already pre-mention that I have a lot of guy friends as I have noticed that this can be a problem with some guys. I did not mention Dean. I guess Dean and I have some sort of weird friendship that other guys might find threatening. Whatever.

Fifth is that my friend told me today that I haven't been myself. I'm not my happy, chipper self which she knows why and says that I'm allowed to be that way. Which I know I'll grow out of and H said that she's sure my bubbly self will pull through when I'm on my date. I hope so. I hate to think he's meeting the downer me. Or the fake happy me. Which I know I am not myself right now, but do you really tell the guy on the 2nd date "Oh hey, by the way, my close friend died about 5 weeks ago. I'm not really myself right now. Hope you can deal with it!!" Yeah. . . probably not.

I don't have a sixth. Let's hoping it goes well!!!

My Thoughts Exactly. . .

So I'm sort of stealing the title from Chelsea Lately. . . but. . .

I read this and I thought. . . wait one second. . . wait. . .

We all know how I slightly despise The Hills. And how I just don't understand how people on this show become famous. But after reading this I almost fainted and vowed right then and there that I will quit reading Gossip columns and whatnot. I know. I know.

You see, Lauren Conrad "wrote" a book. And I was reading somewhere that it's exactly like her show The Hills.

Here is a review of the book L.A. Candy:

Now, though, what Conrad really wants to do is write: L.A. Candy, her first novel, is also the first fruit of a three-book deal. In it, 19-year-old California girl ''Jane Roberts'' becomes famous for living her life on a reality TV show called...L.A. Candy. She works as an intern in L.A. She has boy troubles, a falling-out with a girlfriend, and a sweet, stunned affect. So far, ''Jane'' hasn't gotten a three-book deal. But then, there are still two books to go.

And another from Amazon:

Obvious excerpts of her life and deliciously entertaining. I read through this book within 24 hrs, true Hills fans will adore it. The ending...leaves possibilities for a continuance just like the shows. LC great job for your first book, i loved it and hope to read more of such lives of your characters. Great and entertaining book.

As for whether the book is based on Lauren’s own life, well, a peek at the copyright page reveals it is filed under ’self-perception: fiction’. So basically if I'm reading everything correctly, it's basically a book about her life which was basically played out on The Hills.

So what I am understanding is that they are making a movie based about this book which is based about The Hills. Why are movie people putting money into this?? Don't they know that most TV shows don't do well on the Big Screen?? Guess which movie I won't be going to see??

Also, I am slightly shameful as in that I watched 5 minutes of The Hills last night just to see. I used to watch it every now and then when they had those marathons on the weekend. And well. . . I never can get those 5 minutes back.

I need your help. . .

Okay. . . so some strange things are a happening with me lately.

And I don't know how to explain them.

I think I've talked about my sixth sense before on this blog. . . and I hate it.

Lately, especially lately, I can't sleep. I miss Josie soo much. I hate that I have a date and I can't call/text/email her. I hate that something will happen and it reminds me of her and I can't call her. I hate that she was supposed to come and visit me in September, and she couldn't anymore. I hate that. So last weekend, luckily I had plans to go home for my friend/old roommate Sarah's shower and spend time with my family. I needed that time. I was slowly sinking.

My sister was busy working on her Master's homework, so I went and hung out with her for a couple of hours and we started talking. And I told her how I had these goosebumps all the time lately. And I couldn't explain it. At Stacey's wedding, goosebumps when we were dancing. The wedding Josie was supposed to be at. Goosebumps randomly sitting watching TV. Goosebumps at work. Goosebumps driving. Goosebumps the day she died. MAJOR Goosebumps. And then my sister tells me how 3 days before Josie died she had a dream that we were all out to eat and while Josie was there, we were all talking about her like she had died. She was a ghost in her dream. She never told me because she didn't want to be right.

Flashback 9 years. When our close family friend Matt died, the 2 mornings I was home from college after it, the door bell rang and the fax machine went off at the same time at around 7am each morning. It was 2 days later we discovered that the fax machine wasn't plugged in. Only the phone jack was plugged in. The fax machine shouldn't have turned on. Then for 4 months after Matt died, in the middle of the night, my sister's bedroom door would open. And one night, she saw a dark figure come down the hallway after her door had opened. She thought it was my Dad, so she got up and went into my Mom and Dad's room only to discover my Dad laying in bed snoring. She sprinted back to her bed and covered her head and said "Matt, I'm okay." And her door never opened in the middle of the night again.

So. . . if these goosebumps I'm feeling are Josie, I keep wondering if there's a way that I can talk to her. If there's some way. I don't know a lot about spirits. I know they exist. I'm just wondering how I can talk to it, if it's her.

I hope this doesn't become me. . .

So I read FMYLIFE on like a regular basis. Pretty much when I feel down about life, which apparently is like every day. Well I came across this gem and I cried a little inside.

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML.

FML indeed. And then I fear this will be me. What if this happens to me?? I thought it might happen to me when the love of my life got married (as did my friends who were afraid I would stand up and say "I object!!" is that the right word? Object?? It doesn't seem right, but you all know what I mean, but then I realized that while I loved him, I couldn't see myself standing up there with him. Which is good. And while I do still get giddy when he calls me and when I get to see him, it's a different kind of giddy. Anywho. . . let's hope this doesn't happen to me!!