What to do. . . What to do. . .

My dear friend asked me today what I was wanting to do for my birthday. . . the dreaded 30th Birthday. And the truth is. . . I don't know.

What I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and crying myself to sleep.

She said that she needs to know so we can start planning something. She doesn't want my birthday to come and go and me wish that I had a party and be disappointed that I didn't.

I can't even figure out what to be for Halloween, let alone figure out what I want to do for my birthday. I don't even know what to do with my life!

I feel bad that in recent months I've been a Debbie Downer on this blog. I can't help it. But as I grow closer to my 30th bday, I realize more and more that my life is no where, where I thought it would be. I am doing nothing that I thought at the age of 21 that I would be doing when I reached 30.

What I thought I would be doing:

• I would be a Dr in Sports Medicine.
• I would be happily married to my prince charming.
• I may or may not have a kid or 2.
• I would be happy in life.
• I would be happy in my career.
• I would be settled.

In case you were keeping track. . . my life isn't anywhere near that. I think the important thing is that on the first one, I realized that I am pretty sure that's not where I want to be. The other 5, I'm pretty sure that's what I want. Maybe not now even. And I know when I was 25, and I saw my former prince charming getting married. . . I realized that's not what I wanted at the time, so maybe that's good. I would just take being happy and settled. But. . . I'm not even feeling that lately.

I do know H said that she feels I am doing surprisingly well for my recent circumstances. And I say thank you. I'm glad to know that it's perfectly normal to cry almost every night albeit a lot more recently.

And as much as I complain about my life I am so thankful for those people that are in my life. I'm thankful for my wonderful family, my wonderful friends (well some of them are more wonderful than others lately *cough, cough), and that I am in good health (knock on wood). I am thankful for the people that I had the chance to know that are no longer with me, and I think that because of them I am a better person.

And maybe it's hard because Josie won't be here to celebrate my birthday like she had for so many years. I don't know. And maybe it's hard for me because I'm not that person that thinks about myself. I think it's sort of a fault of mine. I'm so used to thinking of other people and used to doing things for other people rather than myself, that it's hard for me to think of things for myself.

Would just telling her to surprise me be appropriate???