It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to. . .

I went to go write a blog post and that's the phrase that pops in my head. . . awkward.

I've been busy people.  Busy.  I think I'm going to state something I've been noticing as a trend. . . when I first started reading blogs. . . everyone was blogging and updating their blog like every day. . . sometimes numerous times and I would be soo excited to read them.  Then more and more people I think joined Facebook and less blogging happened. . . then I'm guessing these same awesome writers joined twitter so then they had all these other outlets to pour out their hilariousness so then they don't update their blogs every day.  That or they got married and had kids, and apparently kids are time consuming. . .

I've never been a daily updater. . . so I'm at least safe from ridicule, right??

I turned 33 yesterday.  I feel old.  Man, do I feel old.  I'm getting to the age where I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me my future. . . because honestly at 22, I thought my life would be different.  It also makes it pretty obvious I am not in control of my life.  If I was, Channing Tatum and I would be happy together with like 3 kids.  

My New Year's Resolution was to "not sweat the small stuff" and to not take things personally.  If you're a long time reader, you will remember that I like to make my resolution rhyme with the year, but you try and rhyme thirteen with something creative.

I realized that I take things way to personally.  This really became apparent while doing online dating and it only made me feel ugly and undateable.  I instantly went with "why am I not pretty enough for this guy" or "what's wrong with my profile that he won't respond" or "what's wrong with me."  And then my guy friend said something to me as we were driving to the bar (and as a visual, he poked me in the head) "Your problem isn't with the guys that don't want you and what's wrong with you.  It's in your head (which is when he poked me) because you don't see what all the rest of us see.  You don't see how funny, pretty, and caring you are, and you can't expect a guy to see that if you don't."   This was the same guy that was mad at me for doing online dating in the first place.  I tried telling him how I grew up with everyone always telling me how beautiful my sister was and I was always this fat, ugly version of her.  I showed him a picture which then caused him to hit me and say "Oh my God. . . you look exactly alike you idiot."   As I type that out, I'm starting to realize he might be an abusive friend.  :)   But he's right.  I was telling Wyatt about it and he said "Umm, thanks for listening to someone you've been friends with for a few years and not listening to me for like the last 10."

So that's basically what I'm working on this year.  I do take things personally and automatically think "what's wrong with me" when it's really "What's wrong with that person??"  I really don't know what happened to the little confidence I did have.  I'm thinking the weight I gained the last few years ate it.  I realized that I never work on myself either.  It's a habit.  I'm always wanting to help other people and not help myself.  So I'm doing that too.

I'm also really beginning to see the reason certain things happen.  And happy they happened that way.  If, 6+ years ago, I would have told the guy I was in love with, I was indeed in love with him when we asked, would  my life be different??  I've seen the way he's changed and not in a good way.  And I couldn't imagine being with the person he's become.  All the guys I've "dated" over the years have each taught me something about what I do and don't want in a guy.

I'm also stuck in a job that I love but without any love back from my company.  Yet, yesterday I got an email that said "You are a miracle worker and a blessing to me. Thanks for all you do for the youth, and for answering all my questions."  I know I'm good at my job and I know the people that really matter know that.  Now if they could give me raises, that would be nice, but. . . baby steps.  They do send me jobs I might be interested in from time to time because even they hate my boss.  I'm sure what I do could definitely be leading me somewhere else. . . we shall see.  

Happy New Year everyone. . . hopefully I can keep my resolution all year!  :) 

Still Here!

I wish I could tell you that I was on some awesome adventure. . . I haven't been.

I'm just finding time now and then to catch up on life.  Kickball started and we're losing.  I am not used to this. But I'm also playing with a team full of people who haven't played kickball since grade school and don't know how to appropriately run the bases to win games.  ;)  But we're having fun and that's the important thing!

I discovered some things from the last time I wrote:

• The Lumineers--Seriously where have I been that I just NOW know who they are.  I love them. 
• My nephew Caden keeps getting cuter.  He keeps "kissing" me on the phone.  
• The one thing that's good about the upcoming election is that I keep getting political emails which I fact check before I form an opinion being an Independent and all.  I also discovered that all of those emails hold no truth, but I learned something like actual facts, so that's good.  I also can't figure out why others don't fact check such things before they hit Forward.  (On a complete side note, most of these non-factual emails are all against the current administration which I also found to be really odd.) 
• Things that make me think the actual President isn't all that bad. . .in Sioux City, IA on a stop, he stopped at a local dive bar to just have a beverage and talk to people.  He held up some friends of friends going to a wedding reception by doing so as they had just stopped in for a drink between the wedding and the reception.  He ended up writing a congratulatory note to the Bride and Groom AND a "I'm sorry your friends are now late to your reception" note as well.  The best part:  He was at a dive bar and not like an upscale bar.  Also, while in Des Moines recently, he was at another stop and incidentally held up a wedding.  Turns out he and Michelle sent a gift to the Bride and Groom and a "I'm sorry note." The Bride was a Republican and said while she was most annoyed, it was very thoughtful they sent her a beautiful gift.  But she still wasn't going to vote for him.  haha!   It doesn't matter what affiliation you are, you have to admit that is pretty cool on 2 levels.  
• One thing my Dad and I do agree on politically at the moment is that everyone in Congress needs to not be re-elected, and we should just start over there.
• I watched this show on Starz called Boss.  Claire from 90210 is in it but if you're expecting innocent, be prepared to see her boobs at least 3 times every episode.   Kelsey Grammer stars in it.  He plays the mayor of Chicago.  I asked a friend is it's somewhat close to accurate to which I was told, some of it for sure!  If you like corruption, mob like stuff, and pure "woah" factor, this is the show for you.   

Until we meet again! 

I'm about to piss some people off. . .

I have to vent. . . and stand up on a soap box.  We are all entitled to an opinion, but lately. . . things have gotten out of control. . . especially with this upcoming presidential election and honestly, I haven't seen anything but the other side bashing the other side.  When did we stop becoming a Government for the People by the People?  WHEN???

And what really bugs me are issues that each side takes up and honestly, while it's an important issue, it really shouldn't be the issue that it is for one reason:  Our Fore Fathers established a Separation of Church and State for a reason and it's written in the First Amendment which states:  Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof.

Marriage quit being a religious issue when you could be legally married by a Justice of the Peace.  Or when state governments started recognizing common law marriages.  Or even better yet, when you could become an ordained minister online for $19.95 just to officiate a ceremony.  Did you know you could be an Atheist and be an ordained minister online?

Back when my Mom was in college. . . and this was the late 60s. . . It was almost unheard of that people of different religions got married.  My own Grandma had a problem with my Mom dating a Catholic. . . because we were Lutheran.  She didn't approve and couldn't support it if they were to have gotten married.  Now my Lutheran cousin is married to someone who is Jewish.  GASP!  :)

I think this all got me thinking a lot this last week because I have gay friends who are in committed relationships (and I just saw the play Rent on Friday), but you shouldn't dislike/hate someone because of who they love.  I, of all people, know you can't help who you love.  How many times have we really pondered why someone we know is with a certain someone???  I usually am just attracted to douche bags.  :)  But that's why you should dislike/hate someone. . . because they did something horrible to you and treated you like crap and killed your puppy.  That's a good reason to not like someone.  They are a jerk.  It makes sense.

I just don't understand how these so-called "Christians" speak of all this hate when they talk about how marriage is only between a man and woman because it's in the Bible.  The Bible also says you should love everyone and says to forgive.  Maybe people should start putting THAT on the signs back to those people.

I just think that same sex marriages should be legal. . . and leave it up the church to decide if it should be religious.  Because in America (and I'm guessing all over the world) not all marriages are religious ceremonies anymore.  So if we are supposed to have this separation of church and state, and kids get in trouble for praying in school before tests because of religion, then we need to take the church out of marriage because it's not there anymore anyway, and let the Church decide what they want to do with it.  And let our government get back to being for the people and for equality for all.

And end rant.  

Oooh Kobe. . .

Did anyone see that Kobe Bryant made the comment that the '12 USA Team could beat the '92 USA "Dream" Team?

I'm sorry Kobe Bryant. . . You guys are admittedly good.  But there's one thing that you're forgetting:  This '12 Team is a bunch of pre-Madonna, cry babies.   You will never play as good as they did since most of you have huge egos.

The Dream Team had talent and they worked well as a team.  They played with heart. . .they cared about the game and the love of the game.

I loved how Michael Jordan laughed about what Kobe said.  I would too.  Kobe Bryant will never be as good as Michael Jordan.  Michael Jordan was larger than life before the internet, before social media, heck, before the media tuned in on every single thing.

They were legends, not because they were holding press conferences of their next move, but because of their talent.  They were talented plain and simple.  The guys on the '12 Team, learned things from watching the guys on the Dream Team.

His statement his team would beat them, proves how arrogant Kobe is.

I hope that Deron Williams takes Kobe aside at some point and says "Dude, you're an idiot."  Deron Williams, while he might not get the hype that Kobe does, I feel is a better player inside and out.  And you know why??  Because he actually realizes there is no "I" in Team.  Because if you ever watched him play college ball, he passed almost as much as he shot.  And when someone else wasn't hitting shots, he took over making them.

I'm sorry Kobe Bryant but you will never be as good as Jordan. . . can you make an MLB baseball team too???

I'm Weird. . and I know it. . . .

To people who are normal readers of this blog and/or know me in person, you know that I am not quite right. . . but in a good way.

I act like I'm a 12-year-old girl around the guys I like.  I get nervous and either get diarrhea of the mouth or just say really awkward things.  It's a sickness all much.  Maybe I should call it "12-year-old girl Syndrome" or something.

I know random Pop Culture facts and can surely kick your ass in "Six Degrees of Separation of Kevin Bacon."

These are facts.

But lately, I've been a believer of some weird things. . . especially my dreams.  The other day, I'm pretty sure that I half-way controlled my dream.  I was in my house getting ready in my bathroom and at some point I said to myself "This is a dream!"  And the next thing I knew, I had a pool in my backyard.

I'm also had this weird six sense which I've talked about a few times on here.  But on Wednesday night, I dreamt of my Grandparents who have passed away.  We were in their old house.  My Grandma, sister, and my Mom were all laying in my Grandparents bed which is something we all used to do when Grandma was putting something away or looking for something.  We'd sit or lay on their bed and talk to her.  Anyway, my Grandpa comes into the room and I get up to give him a hug.  As he's hugging me, he asks me how the dating thing is going and I said "Ugh!  Disappointing!  No attraction to any of the guys I've gone on a date with."  And then he tells me that it will be okay and that I just need to have patience.  "It will happen.  I promise," he said.

Cut to yesterday when this guy I had been talking to on Match, all of a sudden emailed me out of the blue saying he was officially moved back and wanted to meet if I was still fishing.  It was just weird.

Sometimes dreams have meanings in them like when you dream of being pregnant (when you aren't).  Which was also my dream on Sunday night.  Apparently when you dream of being pregnant (and you aren't) it symbolizes an aspect of yourself or some aspect of your personal life that is growing and developing.  It could also represent the birth of a new idea, direction, project, or goal.  I do hope it means something and it's something about my personal life.  :) It's just a lot of weird coincidences that I find it hard to believe it's not something. . . .

 

Same old, Same old

I was going to title my post "Call Me Maybe?" but perhaps having my title be the same as the #1 Song on Billboard right now would not be the greatest idea.  Then people I didn't want to read my blog would just by Google-ing the song.  I do appear smarter than I look sometimes.  ;)

I had to download Google Chrome to even be able to write this here post today.  Not sure how I feel about this.

My work computer died over a week ago, and honestly nothing has gone right since.  :) I've been soo busy at work up until that time too, that I haven't gotten to read anyone's blogs.  People are having babies and getting married. . . or just having fun in general and I'm missing out living vicariously through everyone.

The former love of my life is getting married on Saturday.  It didn't really bother me until last night coming home, Ray LaMontagne came on the radio.  We used to listen to that on our way to sleep or when we woke up in the morning and we'd just lay there and cuddle.  For me, I've realized that it's completely possible to not miss the person, but miss the "being" of not being alone.  Having someone to sing randomly with you or dance at sometimes really inappropriate times for a laugh is what I miss.  I don't miss the actual person, but the constant warm body.  And I'm pretty sure I can say that he's not the person with his wife that he was with me.

I've actually had this conversation with a lot of different friends lately about how certain friends of ours are no longer the person we know when they are around their significant others.  There's just this change in them.  Some of the change is good, but the actual change in the personality isn't good.  The change in habits--yes.  The change of not being as much fun anymore--No.  Usually it's just when the significant other is around.  I applauded 2 of my friends on our road trip and said "Thanks for always being who you have been, even when you're together."  And I gave them full permission that if I start dating anyone and change that they are allowed to hit me.

I've actually sort of given up on dating as of late.  I realized that if you are boring me in email conversation, you are most likely going to bore me in real life.  I feel like I need to ask them "Do your friends think you're boring??  Or are you the life of the party?" before I meet them.  I've never been accused of being boring.  Wait. . . I take that back. . . I have a few times and it's not actually been boring. . . it's "I can't believe you're going to suck and go home early because you're tired" or if I quit drinking for no apparently reason.  That's usually when my friends say I'm being not fun or acting old or that I've suddenly got sand in my vagina.

Last weekend we had a family reunion and I realized that on my Grandma's side, I really have no idea who my 2nd cousins are, except for like 2.  But it was cute to see all the little cousins play together.  And also a few times I had a few awkward moments with "Man, my cousin is really good looking" then found out it was my cousin's husband.  Whew!  I'm happy that Caleb knows his 2nd cousins soo well on both sides though so that won't ever happen to him.  I will say one of my 2nd cousins is really good looking and a very good athlete. . . and my cousin's friend tells me all the time the bad things she wants to do to him.  Which is gross considering he's my cousin and I've never in a million years thought of him in that way!  I guess that's what happens when you have a spread out family.  I'm pretty close with one set of 2nd cousins on my Dad's side.  I have no idea though who the other ones are.  I was talking to a guy with my Mom's maiden name and I had to ask him if he was related to anyone I might know, just so I wasn't dating a 2nd or 3rd cousin.  I know all the great aunt and uncles though, so maybe that's okay??  

I'm trying to think what else might be new. . .My new roommate is moving in at the end of the month.  I just got used to living alone and now am not sure how I will manage living with a roommate again.  I will like the extra money.  And really with my house, it's not like we are all up in each other's grill. . . she'll have the downstairs, and I'll have my space upstairs.  The dive bar by my house is looking forward to me having a roommate again because they said they miss me.  The regulars and the bartenders miss me.  I don't know if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  Rach and I did usually make up a good portion of the entertainment there though.  Like anything new, it will just take getting used to.

Happy Summer everyone!!!

You've Got a Friend in Me

I think as I age, I definitely have started to reflect back on my life more.  And especially as I do this online dating stuff. . . I think. . . what if I meet someone and fall head over heels, will they get along with my friends and will my family like them??  And then I actually think about my friends. . .

I'm lucky to have some awesome friends (and family) in my life that always make me feel better.  It's funny because they really do counteract the people who I thought were friends who turned out to be sort of shitty.  Last year, I had a friend basically tell me what a horrible person and friend I was.  It really upset me because I had always thought of this person as a friend.  And it didn't really matter that other people told me that she was wrong, it mattered to me that she thought that as I never act in malace. 

But then other day when I came into work, it was pouring rain outside.  One of the lawyers was leaving the building and I made the comment about him going out there and I felt bad for him.  He then made the comment, that he too felt bad, and he didn't have an umbrella.  So I gave him my umbrella and told him just to put it on the 2nd floor reception area.  The funny part was that I didn't remember his name and when I went and got my umbrella, he hadn't remembered mine either.  But the Office Manager said "he didn't remember your name, but when he said it was a girl that has worked in the building for a long time, I knew you were the only one who would even do that."   And that's when it hit me that I shouldn't focus on what one person's bad perception (who was my friend) thought. . . but what someone who sees me from afar thinks.  Because that's what really shows your character. . . it's common practice to treat your friends well. . . it's how you treat someone when no one is looking. . . .

It also struck me on Saturday night what a good guy friend I have.  I had been out for a Bachelorette Party all night and when it was time to leave, I decided that I would just walk to the hotel 4 blocks away after my other 3 friends had their guys coming to get them.  Well, Vince said "Are you walking by yourself to your car?"  And I said "Yeah." And he said "Are you sure?"  To which, honestly, I knew I probably shouldn't and no one offered me a ride, so I said "Yeah.  I can just walk with these people that just left the bar in a huge group."  Well he said "No, I'm walking with you."  And luckily (for his wife) he decided to just have me give him a ride home and not wake her up after we got to the car.  This is also the same guy friend who has helped, not only me move, but friends of mine move.  AND he came a few weeks ago to remove brush from my backyard to my friend's timber.  He's just that nice. 

I had yet another date this week. . . which still no butterflies, but at least fantastic conversation. . . like we were old friends. . .and I was telling my cousin, D$, about him and she told me that I deserve the best person and everything I want in a person because I am a good person.  And she might be right! 

It's so easy to focus on the people who take you for granted and the people who don't appreciate your friendship and get down about it.  But now, I'm just going to start focusing on the people who I matter to.

I also want to say Congratulations to Sarah and Jon on their adorable baby girl, Lillian Rose.  I can't wait to meet her!!!!!  Two wonderful friends. . . who I wish lived MUCH closer.