I want to go back.. .

I was listening to the radio
I heard a song that reminded me of long ago
Back then I thought things were never going to change
It used to be that I never had to feel the pain
I know that things will never be the same now

I wanna go back

And do it all over
But I can't go back I know

I wanna go back
Cause I'm feeling so much older
But I can't go back I know



Thank you Eddie Money. Thank you! I always think of that song when I hear things that make me wish I could go back in time.

One of my best friends is moving. She was the third friend I made here when I moved to this great state. I literally cried the minute she told me. I had to run to the bathroom and grab some toilet paper. It will be weird not having her around. I've known her for almost 7 years now. She's been to my parents house. She's hung out with my IL peeps. I dog sit their dog, Max. My life slightly revolves around hers. I mean, we work in the same building (which is how we met) so we go to lunch weekly and sometimes every day. We do happy hours. We've played volleyball for 6 years together and kickball for the last 4. Now a lot of my routine will change.

I also realize I have a lot of friends moving coming up. Booo. We have a month or so. . . so I will make the best of it. I'll miss her. I finally understand what it was like for my friends. And at least she's doing it with her husband, so she's not entirely alone like I was.

I miss back home all the time. I miss my family and my close friends. I miss my parents or my sister just dropping by. And every day I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't gone and where I would be. I've made some great friends here that I know have helped me grow and maybe that wouldn't have happened where I was at.

I know I can only live in the moment. Maybe my Prince Charming is here. . .I guess I'll wait and see. . .

**Original post written on 7/7/2011. I didn't post it because not everyone knew she was moving yet and then just noticed I hadn't ever posted it.

MTV--I think I'm over you too. . .

Apparently Adam Levine made the comment how he's over the VMAs because MTV really doesn't care about music anymore.

And, well, he's right. I just looked up the schedule for MTV and there's no music on there until like 3am. Then at 7am, non-music programming starts again. 4 hours of music--and that's it!

I remember when they had TRL at least. . . and played music videos in the mornings until like 11am. . . what happened???

Doesn't the "M" in MTV stand for Music?

They were innovative when they aired "Video Killed the Radio Star" but really it should be called "Bad Reality TV killed the music videos" or something like that. They had funny shows about music and comedians who had their own 30 minute shows. Then The Real World and Road Rules. Then. . . somewhere. . . it went horribly wrong.


Do they really make that much money off of the shows that it's cost effective to no longer play music videos?? You can find music videos on their website though. . . or you know. . . just go to You Tube.

I guess I can go online and watch music videos. . . and maybe that's what they want you to do. Or have we as a society become too dependent on our computers and they just expect us to do that?? I don't know. I do go to my On Demand and watch music videos and sing and dance around my house. That's totally normal by the way. . .

Even VH1 only has music from 6am-11am. I guess that's 5 hours at least. But still. . .

I miss the old days. When music television played music videos. I miss when sitcoms were well written and quirky. I miss when people were famous for doing something great in movies or television or for having been musically talented, and not for a sex tape. Does that make me sound old???

My latest Gripe.

I hate to really say anything controversial on my blog, but my friend and I last night go into quite the talk about it last night. We were on the same side, but I looked at the numbers today and well. . . yikes.

College Athletes

I'm not sure if you're an avid readers of sports news, but do you notice how often college athletes get in trouble?? I'm also not sure if the news media only mentions the college level football and basketball players who get in trouble and never seems to mention the lesser money making scholarship athletes.

What made us the most sad, are the college athletes who feel entitled to everything when they are there playing. They think girls should just fall all over them and that people should bow down to them. (Not all college athletes are this way, but I've met quite a few as had Liz.)

Anyway, with the recent news where 9-11 Hurricane football players are being suspended because they took money from a donor. Reggie Bush lost his Heisman for taking money from a donor. See also Ohio State Athletics. And recently even Tim Tebow made a comment about how college athletes SHOULD be paid because of all the work they do.

Hey Tim Tebow. . . you're on an athletic scholarship correct?? You're getting your school for FREE. How is that not getting paid??

I took out financial aid and had academic scholarships to help pay for my college education.

I looked at current amounts for the University of IL and the University of Iowa. I am going with the highest amounts on the ranges they provided.

The University of Iowa is one of the least expensive colleges to attend in the Big 10 and the University of IL, is in the middle range according to things I saw.

Also, keep in mind that some college athletes with full rides get Room and Board paid for as well as books and supplies. The University of IL used to let students ride the bus for free. . . well when I was there anyway.

At the UofIL
Tuition and fees: $19,238 for in state and $33,380 for out of state
Books and supplies will set you back: $1,200
Room and board with 10 meals/week in the cafeteria: $10,080
Other expenses you might incur: $2,510
Total Estimated Costs: $28,204 for in state and $47,170 for out of state

At the Uof Iowa:
Tuition and fees: $7,765 for in state and $25,099 for out of state
Room and board: $8,750
Books and supplies: $1,090
Personal expenses: $2,625
Transportation: $890
Estimated total costs: $21,120 for in state and $38,454 for out of state

Let's go with the University of IL's estimated tuition since they are in the median. I know several college athletes on full scholarships who also received free clothing and apparel and shoes that were university initiated. They get free warm up clothes and work out clothes. I had to buy mine with the University logo and I'm pretty sure there wasn't a Nike logo on them. I also know people who worked in college to help pay for their schooling and sometimes it was 2 jobs. I know people who were on full ride academic scholarships who had to keep a certain GPA or they would lose their scholarship and they had a job.

What are college athletes asked to do? They are asked to go to practices, do schoolwork, perform on game days, and lead by example. They did this in high school and didn't get paid? What is different now? Now, they have the opportunity to perform well in hopes that it might turn into a professional career and subsequently, make millions of dollars.

Not all college athletes these days are doing that. They think because they are a good athlete that at the college level they are entitled to anything and everything. Who cares if someone offers them money to sign merchandise? They need the extra money.

So I ask Tim Tebow why he decided to play at the collegiac level? Was it to get paid later on for your talents as an athlete? Because technically you did. Your JOB in college was to be a football player. You were paid with a top notch education and the $28,000 you received to live and attend Florida.

Oh, the places you'll go!!

I love Dr. Seuss. I always have. . . even when I was little.

It's weird though how things that he wrote can have such an impact as an adult as opposed to when you are 5 and learning to read.

I miss Josie soo much sometimes. It's been 2 years and there isn't a day that goes by sometimes that I just want to call her or text her and say something. I know that goes away. . . but it hasn't yet.

One of Josie's favorite quotes was "Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter, don't mind."

It always amazed me how in life everything always seemed to work out for Josie. I mean, minus the whole getting breast cancer at 25 and subsequently dying at 30 from it. Monday it was 2 years, and I thought about that. I wonder if things always seemed to work out because somewhere else, someone else already knows our story. And hers wasn't supposed to be that long, so that's why she loved life even before she got sick.

Of course, then you see those people like Paris Hilton or Lindsay Lohan and you keep thinking "Why is life working out well for them??" I digress. . .

I was going to talk about how disappointed I am in all the coverage of Kim Kardashian's wedding and it almost sickens me that she spent somewhere between $10-$20 million on it (and that's with apparently much of it donated) and was going to be making around $18 million from it and also had a wedding registry for her guests to get her a gift. Think about how many people you could have helped forgoing a gift and just asked people to donate the money for a gift to a charity??? That's what 2 of my friends did. And they don't make the big money that she does.

I always thought marriage was about being happy with the person you're supposed to marry and spend the rest of your life with and being surrounded by the people who love you the most. Yet you're forced to cut people from your wedding, so you cut your step-father's family. Like 50 of them. Nice.

Sorry, I digress again. It just irritates me how some celebrities go on and on about how charitable they are, and how you the average person should donate money, yet, look at what you just did??

Anyway, I wish that I really took to heart the things that I learned from Dr. Seuss when I was 5.

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened." --I really need to remember this one. A lot. Especially with my friends moving. It makes me sad but life goes on.

"You know you're in love when you can't fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams."--I'm waiting on this one. . . :) Actually, I know that I've had great days with someone that I adore and I don't want to go to sleep because then the day was over.

"I like nonsense, it wakes up the brain cells."I'm 31 and I love to fly kites. . . this is nonsense really. . . but it's fun. I also like to pretend I have my own theme music now and then. . . sue me.

"I'm afraid sometimes you'll play lonely games too. Games you can't win because you'll play against you." --It's sad, but I play against myself all the time. It's hard to not get down on one's self from time to time. . . it's the rising up out of it, that's the key.

"I'm glad we had the times together just to laugh and sing a song, seems like we just got started and before you know it, the times we had together were gone."

I think that's my favorite one. It makes me think of Josie the most. And really it makes me think of other friends I've lost and of friends who moved away, or of the friends I moved away from. I'm a firm believer that people don't happen into your life by chance. There's a reason, a season, a purpose. Maybe you help someone grow and maybe they helped you. Maybe you got into some trouble and learned a lesson. Maybe you got someone into trouble and taught them a lesson.

I often think how different my life would have been how I not went to college at Illinois. What my life would be like had I not moved here? I miss my family and I hate they can't just come down for lunch or supper or a Saturday shopping trip. I miss happy hour with my old friends.

There's a reason I'm here. . . I just have to find it. . .

Awkward Moments. . .

I just have to share this because. . . I am 100% positive I am not the only one who has done this. . . and well my life is really just a long standing awkward moment.

Anyway, we're under a heat advisory because, well, it's effing hot here and with 100% humidity, you might as well just take it for what it is. . . and sweat along with everyone else.

I'm sitting here at work and all of a sudden, I smell this "onion" smell that is well very familiar to what one's armpit would smell like when your deodorant isn't quite working like it should be or you have that odor smell that is attached to the armpit of your favorite shirt. . .

So I do what any normal person does and smell my one armpit (and really I don't even have to be nonchalant about this as I work in a cubical) but the one smelled good, so I check the other, still smelling good, but there's that "onion" smell.

I decide to blurt out if anyone else smells it and sure enough my coworker decided at 10am to warm up 2 Salisbury steaks. And for some odd reason, I take that moment to share with the other 4 people in the office that I am happy it was his food and not my arm pits.

You're welcome!

I should just share this as well while I'm embarrassing myself. . . I have a HUGE crush on this ridiculously hot bartender. He's not a bartender for a full time job, just on Saturdays at this hole in the wall place by my house. Anyway, last week for the SECOND time, I mistakenly text him when I meant to text my friend Heath. BOTH times I scrolled down to an old text and texted from there. And BOTH were meant for Heath as he was staining my deck.

I was just happy I wasn't sexting anyone. Then I really would have felt awkward. . .

Damn you Beyonce!

I always find it funny, not "haha" funny how the lyrics to a song hit you and then BAM!

Dean Cain and I haven't been friends in a long time. Basically I lost him as a friend when Josie died. The last few months she was alive, I started to notice little things. . . his lies, his dependence on me, and the fact that our friendship was one sided, with me being the one that was always giving.

I couldn't kick him off my Volleyball team this year even though I hadn't talked to him since Kickball got over with because some of the team members didn't want that. He was only a sub anyway. . . and by "sub" I mean he's only subbed once. . . the game I wasn't there. He played money to sub. My sister and I were talking about it this weekend and she said "Sometimes you have to let friends go. . .and sometimes they let you go. . . but in your case, I know it's something he's going to regret the rest of his life."

Recently, I was telling a guy friend my annoyance on how as our sub he can't get back to me when I ask him to actually sub and only gets back to me after I get a hold of another person on our team to ask him when she works with him. Then miraculously that day he gets back to me. It's not mature really. You're an adult. . . you made a commitment. . . how hard is it to respond in 24 hours?!?

Anyway. . . Beyonce's new song "Best Thing I Never Had" is starting to come on the radio now more frequently. . . and I've finally listened to the lyrics.

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Which is soo true. My friend plays on a softball team with his ex, who he dated for 5+ years. She slept with one of his sport's teammates. . . numerous times. My friend had planned on proposing to her. Anyway, he said you just have to get over it and pretend he's not there. Which is easier said than done since Moon is really wanting him to be on our kickball team and went so far as to text him and ask him. I don't want someone there who can't respond to emails or texts about if he can play or not.

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good looking out

I know there was a time when I was madly in love with him. I know there was this time when I thought his flaws were perfect. But it's true, when you start to see someone's annoyances, sometimes it's all you see and you can't get over them. Which is what happened to me.

I wanted you bad
I'm so through with it
Cuz honestly you turned out to be the best thing I never had
You turned out to be the best thing I never had
And I'm going to always be the best thing you never had

He's engaged now and getting married and as my Dad said "You fixed him." And he's right.

Sometimes I need to be fixed. . . :)

Happy Birthday America!

I don't know why that every time I think about the 4th of July, Bill Pullman's words in Independence Day come to mind and I always say in my head, in his voice "We're going to live on! We're going to survive! Today we celebrate our Independence!"

By the way, I totally had to make sure that was Bill Pullman and not Bill Paxton. I think there's a game called Pullman or Paxton because they are in soo many movies and kind of look alike. Bill PULLMAN was in While You Were Sleeping with Sandra Bullock and Bill PAXTON was in Twister with Helen Hunt. Oh and Bill Paxton is in the HBO Show Big Love. I don't know what Bill Pullman is doing now. :)

It's weird as this is the first 4th of July in a long time that I'm not going to my parents. Five years ago I went up to H's, and we had a great time. Granted, the reason I am not going is because my friends Erin and Matt are getting married here! I'm super pumped. Please pray for no rain on Saturday. The best part about it, is that Erin's new last name and first name will officially rhyme. She'll be like Julia Goolia. . . but cooler.

I have 2 major groups of friends that I have here. The 1st one is my Friday Sand Volleyball group and are the people I first became friends with when I moved here. They are all pretty much married and were coupled up when I met them except for like a few single ones. The 2nd group is my Kickball/Softball group who I met after I had lived here a year. They were mostly all single guys and gals. That's where Matt falls in, and like a year or so later, Erin came into our friend picture. They are the first group of the singles to get married here. And coincidentally are marrying each other. It will be nice to see everyone dressed up too as we are usually playing sports or meeting out at night in dressed down attire. I guess sometimes we might be dressed up from work and meeting for happy hour, but usually we're in jeans or something.

Speaking of marrying. . . my friend Christine last weekend brought up the fact that I need to get back into dating so I can get married and have kids. She even went so far as saying that I should do online dating, and if I did, she would actually do all the leg work for me. As in, she would screen all the guys that were interested in me and then talk to them and find out more and then narrow it down to potentials. I think this sounds like an excellent idea. That's what happened the ONE time I did it. I didn't really screen the super persistent guy that was wanting to go on a date. I mean, I should have known going into the date the guy was 5'4 and not into athletics. And this would cut into the awkward "Hey you're meeting my friends" thing because she has already approved him. I think it's a Win/Win situation here.

Who knows?? I mean, I do know I have very entertaining dating stories. :)

I hope everyone has a safe and fun 4th of July!!