When Will I Learn?!?

So last night after our awesome 12-2 victory in our first Kickball game. . . and yes, we 10-run ruled them in the 5th. . . we went out for some beverages at one of my favorite dive bars. Which by the way, is the same bar where I gave the 45-year-old bartender my number to prove my point that Dean and I weren't dating nor hooking up. But guess who never called?!? Okay, so I wasn't too upset that he never called, but still. . .it's the principle of the matter! Oh and said bartender was working. . . anyway. . .

My friend who I will call Moon and I were talking about his girlfriend and how when they broke up back in January, they never changed their Facebook status and if you don't change your Facebook status it means it's not really "official" you know?!? Sorry this is an inside joke with a bunch of my friends and I, but in reality, it does seem to hold true. . . So then he just lets out this big sigh in the midst of talking about her. And I'm like "what's the big sigh for??" So he starts telling me all these things. All these negative things. And he says how they've been together for 2 1/2 years and how it's like do or die now time.

I then tell him that it's not really do or die time if you can see yourself marrying her and being with her forever. To which he responds that he doesn't know and isn't sure. I then start going on about how when you're in college or high school and you've been dating someone for 2 1/2 years or 6 years and it continues into your adult world, it might take longer than 2 1/2 years into your adult world* to determine if that person is the one or the person you've just grown comfortable with them.

In the adult world, it's different. You should know in 2 years now. It shouldn't take that long to realize this is "the one." So I go into the stories of my friends who dated the same person since high school and got married years after college. Or the ones that started dating their junior year of college and now just got married. And with all of them it took them the year or two into their adult lives to realize that who they were with were "the one." And then I told him of my 2 high school friends who dated all through high school and all through college only to break up their first year out of college. Dustin ended up meeting his wife Kristin later that year and married her with in 3 years of meeting her. Because he realized right away she was the person he couldn't live without. I told Moon that you just know. When you start to be a grown up, I fully believe you just know.

So he contemplates this and says "Oh so I should break up with her then??" And I say, "Wait. . .NO, that's not what I'm saying. I'm saying you need to think about all these things before you make any decisions." Which I would like to believe he's been thinking about these things for awhile now. Then Moon says "Yeah, thanks for telling me I should just break up with her. I think that's what I'm going to do." And then Dean says "Way to tell him to break up with his girlfriend!!" I hate myself now.

The problem with this: I like Moon's girlfriend. I really like her. She's really nice and sweet. But with all the things he was telling me with regards to their relationship, maybe it isn't good for them to be together. And as a girl, if I could have a relationship for over 2 years, I would like to think that this was the person I would be thinking about spending my life with. Granted, I don't go into first dates thinking this. . .but after a few dates, the thought crosses my mind if this is someone that's going to annoy me years down the road. Maybe this is why my longest relationship has been 6 months and I have a problem with commitment and lean towards awkward friendships. . .but that my friends is a different post.

*Adult World to me is when you start to make your own money and don't have to rely on your parents anymore or not as much for money to live on. . .

Random Thought for the Day

Why do I keep getting Male Enhancement spam to my email junk folder?

I am a girl. That doesn't have any plans to switch genders. . . .

And why do I keep getting spam about increasing my sexual experience??

Does my computer know something I don't?!?!?!?

My thoughts on celebrities this week. . .

First off, I want to say that I am saddened by DJ AM's death. I didn't know this until Monday morning which shows how I didn't watch nor read anything this past weekend while home for the services. DJ AM has come here a few times and DJ'd. I'm also sad that he died from an apparent drug overdose. I think that's what saddens me the most especially since he had just done a show about kids doing drugs. It's sad. But I know Josie is up there dancing with the beats he's throwing down.

Okay, I know I said I wasn't going to say anything about him anymore, but Wonderwall on MSN keeps sucking Speidi into my eye space, and I can't seem to look away from reading about them. Reasons I know you're a douche in real life and aren't just faking it: You want to change your name to King Spencer Pratt, you said you would divorce Heidi if she got pregnant and didn't give it up for adoption, and you got mad at Al Roker, to just to name a few. Here's your sign and it says that not only are you stupid, but you're a douche.

Chris Brown temporarily forgot what he did to Rihanna?? Well I guess I have heard of people blacking out in complete fits of rage but still. Yikes.

I was also saddened to hear that John Krasinski (Jim Halpert, the Office) is getting married to Emily Blunt. I like Emily Blunt, but first she was with Michael Buble and now John!! This makes me sad. Maybe I need to move to LA or something to meet these guys. . .

Also David Boreanaz had another baby with his wife. I'm happy for this. And can't wait for Bones to start up again. I love that show!!!

Leann Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have apparently made their relationship go public. That's nice. . . Does anyone else find it weird that their relationship was made public before their Lifetime Movie and then now they've "come out" before CSI:Miami starts, which is the show that he is going to be on now?!? Anyone?!?

I think that's all I have.

Smile

There's that song that says:

Smile, though your heart is aching.
Smile, even though it's breaking.
Though there are clouds in the sky, you get by... If you smile through your fears and sorrows. Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through.
If you just light up your face with gladness, Hide every trace of sadness.
Although a tear may be ever, ever so near.
That's the time you must keep on trying.
Smile, what's the use of crying?
You'll find life is worthwhile
If you'll just smile, come on and smile.

That's what I'm trying to do everyday. I did that a lot this weekend. I would laugh and then cry and then smile just thinking about her. It was good to see some old college friends and friends from high school. It was nice that all of us college girls got to hang out again. It just massively sucks that the reason we all got together was because Josie died. And we all talked about how sick she had gotten the last couple of months. And we all knew it wasn't good. But none of us ever thought she wouldn't beat cancer. She had beaten breast cancer once already. We really thought she could do anything. That's why all of us were soo surprised. She woke up on Saturday (I originally thought it was Friday) and she said that she couldn't fight anymore. She was ready. And two hours later she died in the arms of her husband and her Dad.

I guess sometimes you never realize the impact your friends have on you until they're gone. I am just lucky to have known her. Blessed to be able to call her a friend. I do promise that most of my posts following this will be happier. I thought I'd let you see this about her if you'd like. Or read about her here.

I Want to go Back. . .

That's the title of one of my favorite Eddie Money songs. Josie loved 80s music as do I, and often in college we would rock out to Eddie Money's greatest hits. It's strange when something you know is probably going to happen but you somehow have this hope that it won't turn out the way you think it will.

My friend Josie passed away on Saturday. Words cannot express the heartache that I feel. I can't seem to quit crying. I don't do it as much when people are around me, but when I'm alone I just bawl. I'm not a big cryer in front of people. But I guess that's what happens when you lose someone you loved so much. My friends have been absolutely the best though about making sure I'm not alone too much. Which is nice that they put up with me getting silent and grabbing a Kleenex. I know I'll get through this. It's just going to take sometime.

I'm so happy that I got to see her a month ago. And hug her. And tell her that I love her. I will miss her trying to always get me to do things that made me really uncomfortable. She always made me step out of my box of comfortableness. I will miss her raw energy. Her strength.

I bought a card last Wednesday that I never sent. It said:

"I believe in mind over matter. I believe in miracles and blessings both great and small. I believe in the human spirit to prevail. I believe in possibilities. I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us." And in the inside it said "I believe in you."

I thought it was a great card for her while she started her radiation treatments for the tumor that was now in her brain as well as the pesky one that was growing in her liver. My heart hurts especially for her husband. They were only married for 2 years. It's not fair. Finding your soul mate and then losing her so soon. I have so many memories of her and the both of them. Her Mom wrote on Facebook that she was happy that she didn't wake up sobbing today. I can't imagine the hurt they are going through when I hurt so bad.

Josie sent updates every month or so in mass email so she wouldn't have to write different emails. Sometimes when there was no news really, she'd just text me with the results. So John that night she died, sent out something that I'm sure broke his heart. Here's John's words and Josie's last email:

Hey all, it’s John. I hate to tell everyone this way, but my wife was always prompt and organized so she would want me to get this out asap. Josie died today after 5 years of battling this shitty disease. She woke up and told us she couldn’t fight anymore and spent the rest of the day comfortable and surrounded by loved ones. Josie was in the middle of one of her famous “updates” to let everyone know what she has been going through the last few weeks and I attached it below. In true Josie form she didn’t get to finish it because she didn’t have all the information needed to give a complete (4 page) update. My wife is the most amazing person I’ve ever met and it was the honor of my life to be married to her and hold her hand through this long journey. The void she left is immeasurable and luckily we’ve had the chance to talk about her legacy the past few nights. You all were her strength and she loved having you in her life. She wanted to be cremated and some of her ashes spread in San Diego (Sunset Cliffs in OB) but the rest we’ll decide this week. Love JD

From Josie:

Goodness, goodness where to start… First of all, we don’t even know how to thank you all enough for your support, prayers and everything good you have all been sending our way – even when many of you have had very limited information over the last couple of weeks as I’m sure many of you have heard just bits and pieces of random info. As many of you know, John and my Mom admitted/took me into the hospital on Friday, August 7th, after many days of being incoherent and nodding off while working, texting, driving :)Physically, we received pretty immediate bad news. Many of my symptoms seemed to be pointing towards issues of confusion so they got me in right away for a scan of my noggin/brain and unfortunately learned that there has been metastasized disease spread to the brain – which they truly haven’t scanned for until this point. They immediately got me in for 3 radiation treatments to my brain on Wed, Thurs & Friday, and now will start the final 7 of the 10-total radiation treatments that they think may have some chance of stopping their growth and buying me some lucid quality time. I go in this morning for first of the combined brain/liver chemo.This is by far the hardest and most honest email I’m going to have to send everyone, as they have been very honest with us this time that my body can’t handle what it could even just a month ago, and it could only be weeks that I have left… Wow… what a strange thing to have to put in writing. I just want everyone to know I’m feeling better and love everyone so much. Love,Josie, John and Barker

I know my life won't ever be the same without her in it, and I can't imagine where my life would have been had she not been it. She was a ray of sunshine. I will miss her deeply.

A

Why I won't be on Reality TV anytime soon. . .

So I've been following this because true crime stuff fascinates me. I wrote a report in high school on serial killers and then couldn't sleep for weeks. But it interests me. I often wonder why people do the things they do. But this guy is CRAZY. I mean seriously. It really disturbs me. And the weird part is he was on a dating show. Don't they screen these people better??

If I was going to be on a Dating Reality show say like the Bachelorette or something, I would hope that producers would screen my dates pretty good. Like one of the questions on the application should say "Name and numbers of the last three people you went on dates with" so then they could call them and at least find out if the guy was verbally or physically abusive to them. Granted I'm pretty sure Megan Wants a Millionaire or whatever the name of the show is, probably didn't have a great quality of contestants because what self-respecting guy would want to date someone that was on the Rock of Love. I do watch that show in small increments because I have such a hard time believing there are actually people out there in society that function like that on a day to day basis.

In happier news, I got to see this really hot bartender that I have a HUGE crush on last night. Our softball team played his team and he was the pitcher, so yes, I saw/stared/gazed longingly into his blue eyes the whole night. He's so f'ing cute. I mean seriously. I also got to see hot player from my friend Tim's team, although Tim wasn't playing. There is just something about ball players. I swear!!!

If you think you're having a bad day. . .

It could be worse. . . This could be you.

I actually wish I had words for this, but really it might be a lose/lose situation. Plus, they said the tests are really time consuming. Like they can't just check to see if the person has male/female parts. And the bad thing, I can't tell by the picture.

I bet that's what people say about me too. Except I did get a "You look a lot like your Mom!" this weekend. To which my Gramps says "Yeah, she looks a lot like her other Grandpa." Thanks Gramps. Thanks buddy. He also said it like 3 other times to other people when asked which one I was.