If only I. . .

I am always trying ways to improve myself. Improve my well-being, my mind, etc.

I'm always working on my weight which I think every girl (and some guys) do.

However, there is one thing that I can never seem to gain:

Confidence when it comes to guys.

I can't.

And I try and try and try. If you were to meet me in person, you would never know that deep down inside, I'm a little shy. You would never know how I absolutely hate going places by myself. I hate it. It makes me absolutely nervous. But after travelling alone on an airplane for the first time, you get over that a little. I travel all the time for work alone. But I hate meeting people at bars or restaurants by myself. It gives me great anxiety. I'm always afraid they will never show up.

I've never had that happen to me either. It's just always a fear. I mean, yes, I did date a guy who would make plans with me weeks in advance, and then bail, but never at a restaurant. He was always set to pick me up. . . and then didn't. I guess it only happened twice and after that, I quit taking his advanced plans seriously. I was never abandoned as a child. Although, my Mom on 2 separate occasions did forget me at piano lessons.

Today I was at lunch with 2 of my guy friends. And they were talking about this girl who one of them referred to as a "Butter Face." Meaning she has a rocking body, but her face. . . Then we started talking about another girl they had talked about the last time we were all together and they said "well I guess she has a cute face, but she's fat."

Now, you might be thinking these guys are jerks and well, I think in a way they are. But I said "Ummm. . . I would hate to think what you guys say about me when I'm not here!" And they both said "We like you though!"

I emailed my bgf and told him the story and he said "They say those things about you because they don't think that about you. . . and neither do any guys in IL."

I cannot explain why I have zero self-confidence in the guy department. I have no idea why I feel this way about myself. I may very well be prettier in the face than I think I am. I'm chubby, no where near skinny that is or at my optimum weight. I am not someone you would look twice at if you saw me on the street. I would say I am average looking in the face. I have been told I am pretty. And yes, I see other girls and I think to myself "Well I am prettier than that girl, so why does that guy like her more than me?" And thus, probably why I feel the way I do.

Maybe part of it is that I have really pretty friends and relatives. I've always had pretty people in my life and have always felt like the ugly, fat one. And if you knew my sister, you know why I feel this way. Up until about her junior year of college, she was a size 2 and I was a size 12 my junior year of high school. My 2nd cousins were blessed with these tall, skinny blond hair jeans. I mean, really, how can one compete with that? My friends from high school, all are gorgeous and still are. It really isn't fair. I mean, Steph--you're reading this now--and you look smoking hot for having a baby a month ago. If you saw my old roommate Sarah, you'd understand too. Seriously, why don't I hang around ugly people?? I really am starting to think this is a fantastic idea.

Almost every time one of my guy friends meets a friend of mine from high school or college or sees a picture, they all say "Woah, your friend is hot! Is she single?" Every time. Luckily at this point in my life, I can honestly say "No, she's married. Just like almost every other friend of mine." ;)

Maybe my lack of self-confidence is the reason I don't notice when a guy is hitting on me. I only ever notice the weird guys. And maybe the reason I automatically make guys I meet my friends is due to my self-confidence. Or maybe it's because when I was feeling great about my body, the guy I was in love with, still didn't want me. How do I break that feeling or pattern?? Rachel yelled at me the other day when I said something about being fat and then stuck out my belly to really drive my point home in my fatness. :) And yes, I do know that eating right and working out play into the whole losing weight thing. I just apparently don't like eating right and working out at the moment.

Sorry to be all self-reflective and whatnot, but today's lunch conversation really bothered me. I am not meaning to be a Debbie Downer as I know we all have things that bother us about ourselves. We don't always look in the mirror and see what others see. And yes, I do know I have a very bubbly personality and a nice smile and guys should really fall in love with that part of me.

I know my friends didn't mean anything bad towards me when they said what they said, but when you feel that way about yourself and then your guy friends are talking about girls like that, it makes it hard.

Plus, I'm 31 and no one has swept me off of my feet, Darn it! So I can't help but wonder that maybe this is why. My Dad says it's because I'm perhaps too picky and the fact that I always have to be right. I told him to tell me a time I was wrong, and I would gladly accept that I am not always right. He couldn't tell me a time, but I had a few for him. My Mom laughed hysterically. :)