How Do I Love Thee?? Let me count the ways. . .

There are many songs on the radio (or on CD in my car) right now that basically describe how I feel about Dean Cain.

1) Rhianna and Neo's "Hate that I Love You"
2) Colbie Caillett's "Magic" and "Realize"
3) Alicia Key's "No One" (I'm sorry H but the lyrics are what I'm talking about and not the actual song because we've already discussed how the song gets on my nerves a little bit too. Especially when it's play 13,000,000 times a day.)

It probably doesn't help that everyone and their mother keeps asking me "what's up with you two?" or "Can you explain to me why you two aren't dating?" or "Can you tell me how you two don't notice how retarded you are for each other?" I wish I could answer these questions, but I can't. I did decide, well okay, I didn't decide, my friend decided that if I didn't say anything to him before her birthday in February, she would. So. . . I'm thinking that I would finally get enough courage up to say something after my birthday. That's my deadline. That's what I'm giving myself. What prompted the whole deadline was a number of things. One-we keep holding hands in public. Two-we're overly reliant on each other for comfort. Three-we have sleepovers regularly and I do realize that normal friends don't do that. And the fact that said friend last year sometime made a comment that she thought I was just going to get hurt by him and thought I was just a lost puppy. But now she said these last four months she can tell just how close we are and sometimes when she's out with us, we seem to be in our own little world, and it sort of makes her vomit in her mouth just how much we do admire each other. :) She feels that we're both sort of wasting our time if we do want to date each other and keep playing the "not say anything" game. Plus it doesn't help how supportive and there for me he has been this past month. And not to mention in the last month, I met his mom, dad, younger brother, and a best friend.

I met his family inadvertently though. One of his friends died and he was back at home. I was driving through on my way home back to Illinois and called him to see if he wanted to meet for pie. And he said that he didn't drive back home, but I could come there if I wanted to. After going back and forth for like 5 minutes with me saying "Do you want me to come over?" and him saying "If you want to come over you can." I finally just said "DO YOU WANT ME TO COME OVER?" to which he replied, "It would be nice to see you." So I drove to see him at his house to which his mom and brother were at home. Did I mention they both had vehicles he could take to come meet me?? I am trying to not over think this though, but it's tough.

This past month, life in general has been rough on me. Besides having to be super busy and working like a chicken with her head cut off, I got bad news. My good friend Josie, who was diagnosed with breast cancer when I first moved here 3 years ago, found out that her breast cancer that was in remission, had actually spread to her lung, liver, and chest cavity. It's treatable, but not curable. And her lung kept filling up with fluid and collapsing. And then on Friday she had surgery to attach the hole in her lung caused by the cancer nodule, to her rib cage in hopes that her lung would quit collapsing. The part that sucks is not being there for my friend. And the worst part is the inevitable that awaits. I can't imagine life without her. All of my memories of college include her. And every St. Patty's day, I go and stay and hang out with her. So needless to say, I only want to stay positive and not think of the what if. However, my father knowing that I tend to internalize things, the Sunday before Thanksgiving, brought up the fact that I need to at least be aware of the what if in case it happens. And at that point in time, we didn't know if she would be able to be in the wedding of one of our college friends the next weekend. And the sad part was, we were sharing a hotel room and we were in the wedding together. So, around 7ish I have a mini-breakdown and called Dean to see if he would be able to come over and hang out for awhile if he wasn't sleeping. And around 9ish, after he woke up from taking a siesta, he came over to give me a hug. And stayed until 11ish on a Sunday night. I do know this isn't normal "just friends" stuff, but not until after my birthday!!!