You're Fired!!

I might have to turn into Donald Trump and fire someone. . . I am not looking forward to this. I've done everything I could to help her out too. And after my mentor/consultant was here this week, she thinks she's on drugs. So do I test for that?? And if so, how do I go about that?

Here's H's suggestions:

1)"Um, [girl I need to fire]...could I maybe borrow a cup of your urine? That would be awesome. Thanks."

2) Or you could take her out to dinner and be like, "I have to go to the bathroom. Wanna come?" And she'll be all like, "What?" And you'll say, "Here, can you pee in this cup for me please and screw the lid on tight?" And she'll be all like, "What?" And you'll say in a hushed voice, "Please don't tell anyone, but I have this fetish where I like to keep people's urine in cups on my dresser. I'm not going to drink it or anything. I just want to look at it. Besides, I was thinking about firing you, but if you do this for me, then I won't." And she'll be hesitant, but she'll pee in the cup, and you'll get to fire her AND she'll think you're a freak for the rest of time.

And then my friend Dan suggested this:
You could also grab a sample of her hair. Bring a brush to work, tell her that her hair looks pretty and ask if you can brush it. When she allows (because who would deny that? it feels way good to get your hair brushed) you can collect multiple samples to be analyzed... and then make a voodoo figure from the leftovers.

If only these things would work!!!