Crawling out of the hole. . .

PJ had mentioned that she doesn't read my blog anymore since her notifications got turned off, and well. . . I realized she hasn't missed anything as I haven't written since February.  I would like to sugar coat my whereabouts and why I've been busy, but honestly, my life basically went spiraling out of control and I'm slowly starting to get a grip on life. Seeing my last post, made me sad.  

At the end of March, my Uncle Larry died suddenly of an embolism.  Jamie and I were in St. Louis visiting Sarah at the time.  D$ called me around 7am and apparently my sobbing woke them both up, and they thought I was dreaming.  I miss him a lot.  I saw him and my Aunt Cynthia quite regularly so it's weird to not have him around.  When I moved to Iowa, Aunt Cynthia and Uncle Larry always treated me like one of their own and invited me to Family things with them.

The strangest part was on the way down to St Louis that weekend, I realized I needed to fire one of my employees.  And then when I got back from the funeral, a different employee gave me 2 weeks notice.  So doing what I thought was a good idea, I gave the girl I was going to fire, a month to get her act together and give her a letter of recommendation or just leave now so she would be leaving on her own terms.  Well a week later, it became obvious that as much as she told me she wanted her job, she wasn't doing it.  And the she just up and left one day without a goodbye to anyone in the office while I was at lunch!  So from the April 12th to June 6th, I worked about 107 hours of overtime.  I was stressed to the max and couldn't see the light and definitely thought of running out into traffic, but I didn't have the time. . .  Finally in May, I hired someone, so by June. . . life had seemed to calm down. 

But then, my Grandpa broke his back.  He walked on it for 2 weeks broken before he was no longer able to walk.  And then the Friday of Father's Day weekend, he had spinal surgery to connect his spine back together.  He came out marvelously after a really intense 8 hour surgery to repair it.  He was doing really well and a month after surgery when he was in rehab, they realized they had nicked his spinal column.  He had 2 surgeries in 2 days to add tubes to drain all the fluid and still was a champ.  A week later, he got MRSA.  He came out of that really well and even got to go back to a rehab place.  Then he got double pneumonia, his breathing got way down, and he went into an almost septic shock.  They didn't think he'd make it 12 hours, and he did.  He was doing great but a few weeks later, his body and the antibiotics were working against him and his heart gave out.  I got the chance to say goodbye and hold his hand and kiss him.  He was even able to say "I Love You" to me.  

It was a rough summer.  So many ups and downs and never really ever wanting to let him go.   A lot of people adored him. . .and miss him still.  The saddest part is that the day before my Grandpa's Celebration of Life, my Great Uncle Mike had a stroke.  He was doing well too, but then exactly a month later after Grandpa passed, he did too.  I have a lot of memories with both of them.  

I spent almost every Saturday, going up and having lunch with my Gramps for the past 9 years.  I do not regret missing out on times here to spend those times with him.  I spent the majority of my summer in the hospital spending time with him as well.  I miss him.  Luckily, I had a bunch of weddings this fall.  Plus I had a group of friends who always called me on Saturdays to make sure I wasn't alone.  They'd invite me out to watch football, just to get me out.  I called my Grandpa every Saturday morning at 7:30am even if I wasn't going up to see him.  When life slowed down in December, I really felt the loneliness and the loss.  It was like I lost a best friend as well as my Grandpa.  

In the New Year, I'm really trying to see the big picture and live in the moment.  You really do have to not let the moment pass you by.  I can't even have a catch New Year's Resolution because nothing really rhymes with fourteen. 

Belated Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays and Happy New Year to one and all!

Before the Moment just. . . passes you by. . .

Yeah. . . I quoted "My Best Friend's Wedding". . . sue me.  :)

It's funny. . . I don't know how often lately I've heard "Man, life just gets in the way sometimes."  And it's true.  Life seems to just fly by now and then.  We move away, we lose touch with people, and we forget what kept us together to begin with.

My sister tells me all the time that I'm the glue that keeps our extended family together.  I live in Iowa where it's easier to do that I guess. . . who knows?!?  When my Grandpa and Grandma R died, after that first year anyway, we sort of quit getting together for Christmas and other holidays.  But we also sort of quit doing that after my Grandma J died.  Gramps doesn't seem to make a big deal out of the holidays although, deep down he loves to be around all of us.  He's just that silent type who doesn't want to make a big deal out of anything or ask for help.  He's 88 and he's been able to do everything up until this point so why stop??  The man had a catheter in a few years ago and thought it was a good idea to MOW HIS LAWN.  Well I didn't want to bother your uncle. . . Sometimes, I wish my other cousins and even his own kids could see how much he enjoys them and appreciates them.  I was telling my Dad how much Grandpa loves when he calls from Texas and tells him how the fishing is.  Dad was surprised because he said Grandpa always made it seem like he was interrupting something.  So now my Dad calls him almost daily and tells him the fishing report.  And then Gramps tells everyone "Well Michael says in Texas. . . .

I was going back to finish a post and came across this one that I never posted. . . which makes me sad. . . I miss him so much.  But I'm posting this anyway. . . I don't remember what I was going to say after this. . . but thought I'd share anyway.

**I just realized this post was started 2 weeks before Uncle Larry passed too.  I got busy on Uncle Larry's birthday and forgot to call him.  A week later he passed.  The moment just goes by so fast!

Secrets, Secrets. . .

First a few awesome updates:  

• My friend and her best guy friend are officially dating now.  I haven't talked to her since it's been official, but seeing as I haven't heard anything bad. . . I'm going with it has worked out.  
• Apparently the bar I was a bartender at for BaconFest served and went through the most liquor.  We were the most successful bar.  I am not surprised by this at all.  ;) 
• The snow storm we weren't supposed to get shifted 100 miles and I ended up with 7-9 inches of snow. . . I use a dash because when I left for work this morning it was still snowing and I had 8 inches of snow already on my deck.  
• I got to see my friend Jared who I haven't seen since 2007!!  He was one of my first friends outside of the girls I lived with in college.  He was definitely my first guy friend.  He lives in Hawaii now and was in town for work.  I wish we would have gotten to catch up more.  

This last weekend I had a Girls Night with my friend Christine, or as AJ pointed out to me "a typical Monday" for me anyway.  I had won tickets to the Symphony and Christine was needing to have a night out.  She's a stay at home Mom, so she was needing to have some drinks.  We ate at the new sushi place downtown and then went to the Civic Center.  This should have been the biggest indicator of how our night was going to go: Our drinks were more than our sushi AND we were pretty much still buzzed when the symphony ended.  

We, of course, decided to have a drink at Cooney's on our way home.  Well my roommate had a date and after dinner they decided to watch a movie, so Christine and I decided to stay for another one at 11pm.  Well. . . pretty much that lasted until close.  Ooops!  Robb texted me at 2:30 and asked where Christine was and I said "Ooh her phone died. . . she just left my house."  

As Christine was telling me she's going to set me up with her brother once his divorce goes through, we start talking about all the bad dates I have been on and weird guys I've dated.  And about how over protective my friend Tim is of me.  Well then she brings up "Boatman".  I've told the story a long time ago on this blog, but he was a friend of my friend Josie and John's.  I didn't necessarily want him to come here and visit, but he persisted and basically that night told me he was in love with me.  

Anyway, she tells me that my friends were all so concerned after we had hung out that night, that they followed me to my place and sat outside all night in case he murdered me.  I was shocked that they instantly went with him murdering me, but I guess Robb and Tim after having alone time with him at some point in the night, just got this really weird vibe about him.  So Jamie, Tim, Robb, and Christine sat outside my place all night to make sure I wasn't going to be axed to death.  I made the comment "Well, after I told him there was never going to be anything, he got really mad at me, and I'm not even sure what time he left in the morning.  He was going to leave right away, but I reminded him that he had been drinking a lot and shouldn't drive back to Chicago."  Well then Christine says "Oh he left about 4-4:30am."  I was like "WHAT??  You guys seriously sat outside all night???"  And she said "Yes, we were really concerned.  The lights kept going on and off too, so we just kept waiting for a scream or for him to drag out a body.  Don't get me wrong, we did pick up a 24 pack and some cigarettes so we weren't just sitting there doing nothing."  I seriously just started laughing uncontrollably.  

I love that my friends were that concerned about my well being.  It also makes me realize that my fears of worrying that my friends won't like who I am dating are pretty founded.  This happened like 5 years ago too.  I can't believe it took that long for me to find out.  It's also both sort of creepy AND completely sweet.  

My Gramps turns 88 on Saturday.  I have had so many good times with that guy.  Granted, he wishes that 7 years ago he wouldn't have made the pact with me to not die until I get married. . . but I'm happy. :) I am soo excited to give him his gift.  He has a thing for the weather gals on a certain TV station here.  So being that I'm good friends with one of their husbands, Megan so nicely got me signed pics of her and of Jeriann.  I put them in a frame and wrapped it up for Gramps.  He is going to be soo surprised.  

Happy Hump Day everyone!!!

Do as I say. . .not as I do. . . or had done. . .or whatever that saying is. . .

Have you ever given people advice and then think "Oh I hope that it turns out exactly opposite of what happened when someone gave me that same advice and I took it?"

I also don't know why people come to me with love advice.  Ummm. . . we're friends, so you're completely and utterly aware that I have no love life right??  

Anyway, I tend to get myself in these awkward friendships with guys that ultimately turn into this "Will they? Won't they?" scenarios.  The latter usually being "They won't."  I always had friends say to me "you guys should date.  Would you date him??  If so, just tell him how you feel (especially in the case when feeling were there).  However, I seriously gave my friend the advice of not losing something that seems so great due to a friendship because it's far worse than not knowing what could have been. 

I. Completely. Lied.  

The one time I actually came out with "I have feelings for you," I was shot down faster than it took me to get the words out.  Well maybe not that fast. . . but pretty quickly.  I was so heart broken.  It crushed me.  I mean literally crushed me.  I have no idea why I gave her this advice either.  I know that I really think it will turn out differently than my situation. . . although hers is very similar to what mine was like.  It's probably the optimistic romantic in me.  I am the exception to the rule in all cases and I've learned to accept that.  :)

However, I did run into this guy on Saturday, and he was telling me about something sweet he did for her. . . so I'm thinking she will fair better than I did.

And on that note. . .

I feel that everyone should volunteer.  If not for the benefit of knowing you helped someone less fortunate, but for the sheer value of just helping. . . or in my case, I volunteered at Baconfest this past weekend.  And they stuck me and my friends at a bar so I ended up bartending for like 5+ hours.  It was awesome.  The guy in charge of our bar didn't want us to leave, which is why we worked a few hours after our shift.  I am pretty positive I will volunteer next year as well.  We definitely contributed to the intoxication of hundreds if not thousands of people.  Wait. . . I can actually say thousands because it's an over 21 event AND the 8,000 tickets available for purchase sold out in under 4 minutes.  It's insane.  If you don't like bacon, I would probably not go to this event.  If you love bacon. . . you will actually get sick of it by the end.  But it's delicious.  :)  I had the best slice of pizza with the oddest combo on it imaginable.  It was called "the Elvis" from Gusto here, and it had a peanut butter sauce, topped with bananas, bacon, and cheese.  It sounds absolutely horrible, but before we started we gave them some Bloody Marys in exchange for some slices, and let me tell you, that was the first thing I went back for when I was finally able to walk around because I only got a bite the first time.

I also think I missed my calling in being a bartender.  I was a barista in college at a small cafe and then was a barista at Starbucks for almost 3 years.  I do have the innate ability to have people yell 3+ mixed drinks at me and be able to make them without question.  Granted, most of the ones made were Bloody Marys but we had regular, bacon (bacon Bloody Mary mix) , or bacon bacon (Bacon vodka, bacon Bloody Mary mix).  But I mean sometimes people wanted to try the cucumber vodka with the Bloody Mary instead.  I had about 7 Pearl Vodka flavors and often people would ask what is good with them.  My favorite was part blueberry vodka, part orange vodka, and lemonade.  It was really refreshing.  Oh I might have gotten to drink on the job. . . in fact, our manager encouraged it.

I'm looking forward to a calm weekend for sure.

Have a good one everyone!  :)      

Just stating the obvious. . .

I am a hopeless romantic.  HOPELESS.  Those who know me, know that someday, I keep hoping my life will be that rom-com.  I do know that now, well into my 30s, my life will not turn into a rom-com.

However, after having a conversation with a good friend, I realized. . . I might actually get my rom-com.  Or at least my romance/tragedy movie.  You see. . . I made a pact with one of my good guy friends that we would get married when I was 34.  Which I thought seemed so far away. . . until I realized I am frickin 33.  I haven't seen Jake in huge YEARS.  I'm talking like 6 years.

What are the odds that he remembers this?

I mean, in my head, this is how my rom-com would play out:

I am randomly minding my own business and my phone rings from a number I don't know.  I answer it, and he says "Hey, we haven't talked in a while, but I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to marry you."  Then we start this long distant talking back and forth.  And we pick up where our friendship left off.  Then my 34th birthday comes, and he comes to see me.  He gets down on one knee and proposes. We marry and live happily ever after.

However, my life has never been this simple.  I don't ever realize when a guy is interested in me, let alone, think I would ever have a chance with a guy I could possibly be interested in.  These last couple of weeks, I keep running into a guy who I had the biggest crush on.  I hadn't thought of him in ages and BAM! I literally run into him everywhere.   It's really starting to creep me out.  Like what if Fate is telling me "Hey, don't forget about him."  haha!  If only it worked like that.

Then on Tuesday, a friend of a friend needed a euchre partner and I said I would play with him.  Ummm. . . he is gorgeous.  And tall.  And Funny.  And he actually knows where my hometown is.  And people from my hometown.  And I know pretty much his entire life story in those 3 hours we played.  I, however, did forget to say get his last name.  Who does that?? I do.  My flirting consisted of me high-five-ing him after every hand we won.  I don't have game anytime, let alone playing euchre.  I do know where he works, where he went to college, and where he lives.  So I'm sure I could easily find him.  But how creepy would that be?
I hadn't watched HIMYM yet this week and they had a whole episode about it.  When does the action go from Dobler to Dahmer?  When are you John Cusak in Say Anything and when are you being Jeffery Dahmer?  With internet these days, there is definitely a fine line.  And there's always this peace of me when I meet someone, I wonder if they are googling me like I am googling them.

And now I'm starting to ramble and my friends who read this are starting to wonder if they should worry about me and get restraining orders for any future men in my life. . . ;)

It's my Party and I'll cry if I want to. . .

I went to go write a blog post and that's the phrase that pops in my head. . . awkward.

I've been busy people.  Busy.  I think I'm going to state something I've been noticing as a trend. . . when I first started reading blogs. . . everyone was blogging and updating their blog like every day. . . sometimes numerous times and I would be soo excited to read them.  Then more and more people I think joined Facebook and less blogging happened. . . then I'm guessing these same awesome writers joined twitter so then they had all these other outlets to pour out their hilariousness so then they don't update their blogs every day.  That or they got married and had kids, and apparently kids are time consuming. . .

I've never been a daily updater. . . so I'm at least safe from ridicule, right??

I turned 33 yesterday.  I feel old.  Man, do I feel old.  I'm getting to the age where I wish I had a crystal ball that would tell me my future. . . because honestly at 22, I thought my life would be different.  It also makes it pretty obvious I am not in control of my life.  If I was, Channing Tatum and I would be happy together with like 3 kids.  

My New Year's Resolution was to "not sweat the small stuff" and to not take things personally.  If you're a long time reader, you will remember that I like to make my resolution rhyme with the year, but you try and rhyme thirteen with something creative.

I realized that I take things way to personally.  This really became apparent while doing online dating and it only made me feel ugly and undateable.  I instantly went with "why am I not pretty enough for this guy" or "what's wrong with my profile that he won't respond" or "what's wrong with me."  And then my guy friend said something to me as we were driving to the bar (and as a visual, he poked me in the head) "Your problem isn't with the guys that don't want you and what's wrong with you.  It's in your head (which is when he poked me) because you don't see what all the rest of us see.  You don't see how funny, pretty, and caring you are, and you can't expect a guy to see that if you don't."   This was the same guy that was mad at me for doing online dating in the first place.  I tried telling him how I grew up with everyone always telling me how beautiful my sister was and I was always this fat, ugly version of her.  I showed him a picture which then caused him to hit me and say "Oh my God. . . you look exactly alike you idiot."   As I type that out, I'm starting to realize he might be an abusive friend.  :)   But he's right.  I was telling Wyatt about it and he said "Umm, thanks for listening to someone you've been friends with for a few years and not listening to me for like the last 10."

So that's basically what I'm working on this year.  I do take things personally and automatically think "what's wrong with me" when it's really "What's wrong with that person??"  I really don't know what happened to the little confidence I did have.  I'm thinking the weight I gained the last few years ate it.  I realized that I never work on myself either.  It's a habit.  I'm always wanting to help other people and not help myself.  So I'm doing that too.

I'm also really beginning to see the reason certain things happen.  And happy they happened that way.  If, 6+ years ago, I would have told the guy I was in love with, I was indeed in love with him when we asked, would  my life be different??  I've seen the way he's changed and not in a good way.  And I couldn't imagine being with the person he's become.  All the guys I've "dated" over the years have each taught me something about what I do and don't want in a guy.

I'm also stuck in a job that I love but without any love back from my company.  Yet, yesterday I got an email that said "You are a miracle worker and a blessing to me. Thanks for all you do for the youth, and for answering all my questions."  I know I'm good at my job and I know the people that really matter know that.  Now if they could give me raises, that would be nice, but. . . baby steps.  They do send me jobs I might be interested in from time to time because even they hate my boss.  I'm sure what I do could definitely be leading me somewhere else. . . we shall see.  

Happy New Year everyone. . . hopefully I can keep my resolution all year!  :) 

Still Here!

I wish I could tell you that I was on some awesome adventure. . . I haven't been.

I'm just finding time now and then to catch up on life.  Kickball started and we're losing.  I am not used to this. But I'm also playing with a team full of people who haven't played kickball since grade school and don't know how to appropriately run the bases to win games.  ;)  But we're having fun and that's the important thing!

I discovered some things from the last time I wrote:

• The Lumineers--Seriously where have I been that I just NOW know who they are.  I love them. 
• My nephew Caden keeps getting cuter.  He keeps "kissing" me on the phone.  
• The one thing that's good about the upcoming election is that I keep getting political emails which I fact check before I form an opinion being an Independent and all.  I also discovered that all of those emails hold no truth, but I learned something like actual facts, so that's good.  I also can't figure out why others don't fact check such things before they hit Forward.  (On a complete side note, most of these non-factual emails are all against the current administration which I also found to be really odd.) 
• Things that make me think the actual President isn't all that bad. . .in Sioux City, IA on a stop, he stopped at a local dive bar to just have a beverage and talk to people.  He held up some friends of friends going to a wedding reception by doing so as they had just stopped in for a drink between the wedding and the reception.  He ended up writing a congratulatory note to the Bride and Groom AND a "I'm sorry your friends are now late to your reception" note as well.  The best part:  He was at a dive bar and not like an upscale bar.  Also, while in Des Moines recently, he was at another stop and incidentally held up a wedding.  Turns out he and Michelle sent a gift to the Bride and Groom and a "I'm sorry note." The Bride was a Republican and said while she was most annoyed, it was very thoughtful they sent her a beautiful gift.  But she still wasn't going to vote for him.  haha!   It doesn't matter what affiliation you are, you have to admit that is pretty cool on 2 levels.  
• One thing my Dad and I do agree on politically at the moment is that everyone in Congress needs to not be re-elected, and we should just start over there.
• I watched this show on Starz called Boss.  Claire from 90210 is in it but if you're expecting innocent, be prepared to see her boobs at least 3 times every episode.   Kelsey Grammer stars in it.  He plays the mayor of Chicago.  I asked a friend is it's somewhat close to accurate to which I was told, some of it for sure!  If you like corruption, mob like stuff, and pure "woah" factor, this is the show for you.   

Until we meet again!